January 6, 2013
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Living with Your Parents and Trying to Date
A friend called me recently with a serious dilemma in her life that must apply to many 20-somethings in the dating world. She's a couple of years out of college, and while working to earn enough money to move out, she's living with her parents in their apartment. She started dating this guy who, by some unfortunate fate, also lives with his parents right now. For them, this is a real problem.Her question for me, specifically, was: how is it possible to have a relationship while both parties live with their parents? A huge part of every relationship is the sexual aspect of it, and when you are under the same roof as your parents, engaging in that could be difficult. She doesn't have a basement. He does. Her parents work during the day, but so does she. Can they only have sex regularly at his house, in the basement? Is there some other solution?
On the one hand, this situation is temporary. Hopefully, my friend or her potential boyfriend will move out soon, and they will be able to progress normally. But for now, the living situation can be tough and put real tension on the fragile and new relationship.
Do any of you have experience with this situation? What would you do if you and the person you were dating both lived with their parents?
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Comments (23)
I can't say I've ever been in that situation before. I only dated one guy that lived at home and his parents were reasonable enough to accept that we were both adults and we might be having sex. If I were in your friends shoes and couldn't afford a room...I'd stick with the basement sex. It's not like it will be forever.
If the only major problem for this couple is the inability to have sex as often as they would like I'd say they should be in good shape. Sex is a huge part of a relationship but certainly not the most important and the inability to be intimate shouldn't be a deal breaker unless someone is very shallow. For about the same cost of a movie and dinner you can rent a cheap motel room for a night if it's really an issue.I was in that situation about eight years ago when I was in my early twenties and the girl I was dating was fresh out of high school. We spent A LOT of time in my bedroom which was on the ground floor only about 20 feet away from the tv/living room where my parents spent most of their time. It never stopped us from being sexual and I'm sure there were no doubts of what was going on even when we tried to be quiet but my parents were cool like that I guess, knowing how people are and trusting me to be smart and safe about it, which I was. We had sex twice in her house when her parents went on vacation, the rest of the time it was in mine, often when everyone else was asleep. You can sacrifice a full night's rest for some lovin' especially at that age.I'm one of those people who believes there is a solution to any problem and while not everyone might have the same luxury as I enjoyed there's always a way around it. A solid relationship does not have to be overly sexual and in fact, if you are unable to romp as much as you'd like, it makes it that much better when you can.
I was once in that situation. We eventually saved enough money to move in together. Since we were in love, living with our parents was pretty much a non-factor. we still went out on dates. sex happened when no one was in the house. it's relatively easy to get around that.
What @chaosandtranquility@xanga said. Being in a relationship can put tension on a fragile new relationship. That's the whole point of being in a relationship... accomplishing together what you otherwise couldn't or wouldn't alone.My brother and his girlfriend live with my parents and have their own room, and sometimes they stay with her parents while they're saving up to move. It's just something you work through. A relationship is made up of people who determine what they want to do together, not external circumstances that dictate what happens between them.
What the other people have said. I've only had relationships while living at myparents place beacause I moved on just recently and it was never a problem for me. Yes, it's a bit awkward but my parents have always been awesome about stuff like that, and it's not like you're gonna go have sex in the kitchen or something haha just be a bit more reserved about the sexual part of things and you'll be fine. If you're living with parents that won't let you do anything under their roof, then go somewhere else like a hotel room, or whatever. It's so sad...I can do whatever I want now but don't have anyone to do it with
haha
get a motel room. I was in that situation with my boyfriend a few years ago when we were both fresh out of college. we did car sex, park sex, friend's house sex...all kinds of interesting places and that was fun and exciting but sometimes you just need a bed. so yea the motel near our house became our go to spot because you could pay by the hour. it was fine and actually got me to realize not all motels are seedy and gross.
When I came back to my home state, I stayed with my parents. My husband (then boyfriend) was living out of state with his older brother helping them watch their kids while they work (he works at home, btw, so he can watch his four years old niece). So, whenever he came to visit me, we'll rent hotels for the weekends and do our own thing. When I went to visit him, I stayed at his brother's house. We went out, eat, came back to his brother's house, and just watched movies in his room all weekend. It was fun. Other than that, OP, your friend can always just go hang out at her boyfriend's house until they both find a place of their own. It is pretty tough living with your parents and dating when you're much older. I feel her pain.
When I still lived with my parents and had a girlfriend at the time, what we did was drive somewhere secluded and then did it. Of course, that is if you are adventurous and sure nobody would be around that area. Another option would be to rent a room at a motel or hotel nearby if you want a little more safety.However, if they are able to move out soon, it shouldn't be a problem. Sex is great, but shouldn't be the very thing holding a relationship together. Besides, wouldn't waiting until you have all that time and privacy be a great release when it happens?
I'm in this situation right now. While he's 19 and going to the military next month, that's okay. But I'm 21 with a full time job, finished with college since last year. It's difficult. I wanna move out soon, I do. Student loans are kicking my butt right now and I'm only making $11/hr. Either I need to find a better job or wait until my loans are all cleared up. I still have other bills, like my phone bill, car insurance, and car payment to worry over, but all that I'm okay with. I guess we'll just wait and see what happens.For the sexual activities, it's always at his place in his room (coincidentally, in his basement). His parents never come down when he has company. We handle it pretty well, usually all our clothes don't even come off to get the job done.
One word: hotel. And... Done
like everyone else has said, sex shouldn't be a problem just because the parents are around, otherwise how would teenagers (who, in a typical situation, both live with their parents) be able to be sexually active? you find ways. either go somewhere not in either of their houses, or just do it and hope the parents are cool enough to turn the other cheek. it might be slightly odder being past high school age and having to deal with it, but you do what you gotta do.
I don't see this as being a problem. I work, but I still live with my parents, and my boyfriend, who lives four hours away, lives with his nan to save money while he's at university. We've been together eight months and it's just not a problem. We normally meet halfway and get a cheap hotel, or, he'll come to mine for a weekend when my parents are away, or vice versa with him when his nan is away. If your relationship is struggling because you're a graduate living with your parents, you probably shouldn't be together. It's not that difficult to get around.
I'd be turned off if he invited me over to have sex in his basement. I'd also be turned off if his mom and/or dad was home and he invited me over to his room for sex. mood killer. if he borrows his parent's car and wants to have sex in his parent's car, omg, all of this is just making me want to date someone else, who has his own place, because sneaking around to have sex due to living with his parents is just creepy. you can still have sex while the parents are there at another room, but knowing they are nearby, is enough to ruin my mood. maybe some people get a fix out of having sex in their parent's home or bed, but I don't find it appealing at all. it would be different if we were sneaking around and he had a roommate that could hear us, but parents is a different situation that I don't want to be in.
I ask this question a lot. I live in a country that's too expensive to move out of your parents house at all... and the government only allows you to sign a lease for an affordable apartment when you have proof you're married (or are over 35 years old)....As an american who started dating in college where the appropriated answer is to hang a sock on your door nob, else rent a room in a flat with the same aged roomies, I had never had this problem. So I'm completely turned when my co workers tell me they're getting married to whoever whatever... while both parties live with their parents (and possibly their grand parents). Guess this gives life to the meaning of 'honeymoon'. Most I know rent hotel rooms. Or just don't do that stuff at all. Or they go out in the city for dates.I think though, at some point, your parents ought to just know that you're old enough to have your own privacy. if you're over 20 and making your own dough, they prolly know they couldn't control you-- and if they don't then you really SHOULD just leave the house.
Hmm well they have the basement, so I don't see much reason to complain until they get their own place (you have to work with your circumstances and think of it through your parents eyes; you wouldn't wanna think about how your kid might be having sex in your house this very moment..), but I would honestly get creative. Park a car in an isolated place, go camping (obviously when it's warmer lol), rent a hotel room for a couple days and create their own romantic weekend, or even explore the kinkier aspect of things; public bathrooms, storage closets, showers. Make it a fun experience, full of things they can laugh about later on in their relationship, when they have a nice, comfy bed to do it in.
Im in the situation right now but im singel someone was wanting me to hang out with him it was a guy he came over but before he got to the door my mom went out to his truck to talk to him and my mom came in and so you can do better then that low life guy wtf he made mistakes in his past yes we all have.But She was cool when a guy i meet off of myspace showed up for thefirst time back in 2010 I dont meet off of any sites unless thier in my hometown im iffy like that ok He was the coolest guy but we are fwbs now and when he gets out of prison hopefully more then just fwb.Then I have older dude after me hes 45 im 32 and I want to see were this ends up I have yet to hang with Him again hes friends with Tim My Fwb.Im so wanting to find that one guy who will put up with me.
I wasn't living with my parents but was staying with close family friends who were very conservative. I had just graduated college and was waiting to start a job out of state for several months, and was dating a girl who lived with her sister. Everything had to be done at her sister's house, and even better, in the living room because her sister didn't have anywhere else for her to sleep. Lets just say that they thankfully had a very good relationship.
This is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Relationships don't need sex involved in order to work out. I thoroughly don't understand this generation. I don't see how sex should play a roll outside of marriage. Call me old fashioned. I don't care.
You could always rent a motel room or 'do it' in a car...if all you are after is the sex..Sex is not the 'be all' and 'end all' of any relationship.. Believe it or not, sex does NOT sustain a relationship.. You can have sex with ANYBODY. It is the relationship OUTSIDE of the bedroom which will determine whether the relationship thrives or not. AND it is the relationship OUTSIDE of the bedroom which will determine whether the relationship in the bedroom will be a good one or not. I'd suggest concentrating on the NON SEXUAL part of the relationship first. To do anything else...putting sex first...is to invite disaster. Speaking from experience !!!
it's not like it's not possible to have a relationship without sex. our ancestors have been doing it for centuries and they got lower divorce rate
Sex is a big part of a relationship, but it does not make up a whole relationship. My boyfriend & I have had this problem up until about 2 months ago. He lived with his family and (even though we are both adults) we were not allowed to be home alone together or alone in his room with the door closed. My family is extremely religious, so the same went for my house. We just had sex in the car a lot or outside, lol. We've been together for over 4 years.. it can work. Sex is not everything - if they get along & have a good relationship, it can be done. My relationship is proof.
I live with my parents. My girfriend and I have been dating for about a year, and over the last 6 months or so, she's spent more and more time at my house and with my family. She's slowly eased her way into our lifestyle here, and in a lot of ways, become part of the family. We have sex whenever she's over and we have the place to ourselves. Otherwise, we fuck at her place.
I guess it's time to go back to those high school sneaky basics. When I was in that situation here's the things we did:- Sneak in the basement while my parents were fast asleep- Find a secluded park. Just make sure it's before dark. You don't want to get caught by any cops (not that it's ever happened to me. >>)- Find a secluded place anywhere. Tinted windows at night help.- Hotels/motels are always an option, but cars are cheaper.Best of luck to your friend and may the odds be ever in their favor.
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