January 7, 2013
-
The "One-Year Rule"
For those of you who have ever listened to Dr. Joy Browne's radio show, you're familiar with the "one-year rule." In case you're not, Dr. Joy Browne has one of the longest-running therapy radio shows today. She answers listeners' calls and gives the advice that she, as a clinical psychologist, has to offer. Often times, the call-in questions have to do with relationships. Dr. Joy has become known for her "one-year rule," something that she stands firmly by.
Essentially, the "one-year rule" says that anyone whose relationship ends, be it from a divorce or a death, must wait one full year before dating. According to Jr. Joy, it doesn't matter when the sex stopped, or when someone got sick, or when you fell out of love. All that matters is the exact date that the marriage ended, and then waiting one year from that day. Instead of attempting to understand Dr. Joy's rule through my paraphrasing, you can read why exactly she thinks this rule is so important.
"One calendar year, first and most importantly, gives you the time to know that you can do it on your own. You can use the time to figure out how what seemed so right could go so wrong so that you don't have to feel guilty about it anymore or feel terrified that it could happen again. A year without dating doesn't mean you have to be on house arrest You can have same-sex friends, work, work out, take courses, take walks, take seminars, and so on. This is the time to invest in your future. And when the year is up, you'll have your confidence and your equilibrium back, and you can be your best self." -Dr. Joy Browne
Upon considering the "one-year rule," as logical and sound as Dr. Joy's explanation is, I can't help but wonder if it is a little too concrete. Perhaps this rule doesn't apply to everyone. If someone truly moved on from their marriage during it, why should they have to wait one full year? Or maybe, for some people, the act of dating will help them move forward. And the case in which I am most turned off to Dr. Joy's rule is for older people. If someone loses their husband or wife of many, many years in their 70's or 80's, I think it's absurd that they unconditionally must wait a year simply to have a companion and partner in their old age.
But maybe Dr. Joy is right that you do need a year to be your full self. It's hard to know, as I've never been in this exact position, so I'm unsure as to how I'd feel.
What do you all think about the "one-year rule"? Do you think it always applies?
Comments (22)
so how long do you have to be with the person before the 1-year rule applies? the only such rule i've heard (which, incidentally, i read here on d-ish a few years ago) was that you wait half the length of the relationship. but, as we all know, it's dumb to do anything that's based on a length of time like that. based on what you wrote here, i should come up with dumb shit, call myself "doctor", and make millions too.
imo, there isnt anything that has blanket application to all relationships. They're all different and radically changing and evolving as modern society progresses. The one-year rule is a good guideline to go by, but shouldn't necessarily be concrete if someone feels pretty solid about their emotions of things. Maybe some would only need 6 months to resolve something, or in cases of an end to marriage, i've read that its common for divorcees to take 2 yrs to fully recover to a leveled-out (relatively) normal state (as normal as it would probably get post-relationship).
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - ive also heard it said that sometimes it takes people twice the amount of time to get over a relationship proportionate to the duration of the relationship. Maybe not for everyone, (perhaps maybe for the relationships that are shorter in length). But its a point in time that your mind can focus on and subconsciously work towards as time passes.
I believe it's a load of bunk to have some sort of 'set-in-stone' rule based on the passage of time to dictate when an individual should begin dating again. There are way too many variables to ever state such a rule as being best for everyone. A good suggestion is to work on yourself and occupy your time with things you enjoy. It will help you move forward, especially if you limit/cut off your contact if it was indeed a bad break-up or divorce.She should cut out the "one year" nonsense, and simply focus on methods to better yourself foremost, regardless of time.
Well, it's been 5 years for me, so I guess that means I'm more than ready.But no, I don't think there's a hard and fast rule for everyone. I agree with the reasoning behind the rule: that you should take time to learn what you can do on your own, heal from the breakup, etc. But I think everyone heals differently, and everyone's circumstances are different, so assigning a set amount of time for every person out there doesn't quite make sense to me.
My last boyfriend passed away this past May and I got into my current relationship at the end of October. I don't think I rushed things. Sometimes you need to let go. Before I met my current boyfriend I was moving on with my life but also clinging onto my dead boyfriend . I still love and miss my previous boyfriend but I am very happy in my current relationship .
If you feel you want to date but don't know who you want to date, you're already dating for all the wrong reasons. If it has been less than a year but you met someone you're interested in there is nothing wrong with that... given you aren't dating them for the sake of dating, as that would be compensating for a lack of someone and unfair to that person.
I agree with the whole be alone, learn to be yourself etc etc after breaking up, but I don't know that one year is the perfect amount of time, For some people it could be more, and others less. Now I think about it though, it actually took me a year from my last relationship lol
I think she speaks from experience in talking to so many people. Who am I to question this? Personally, I think it takes a full year to recover from any loss..maybe longer. And, I think an autopsy of what went wrong in the relationship is always a good idea. We need to learn from our mistakes so that we can go forward with a clearer head and clear objectives. I agree with her. I speak from experience..Too many people rush right into a new relationship only to find that they are making the same mistakes all over again.
I absolutely love Dr. Joy Brown. I have a lot of respect for her opinion and her advice. Yes, one-year sounds absurdly two-dimensional, but it is likely concluded upon based on thousands of individuals. I think the main point is that 2 months would probably be too soon, rather than 11.5 months. However, I think that making a rule for yourself-- be it a year, two years, or 6 months after a relationship ends, gives you a mandatory time period to be with yourself, which will likely work for your own personal growth.
stupid rule. Wait yes, but 1 year is arbitrary. If the sex stops and if you have met someone else, then you don't need to wait even.If you were dumped at the height of your relationship, then ya it will take a while - not a year but enough time where someone new doesn't make you think of someone old.
You've got issues if you're jumping from relationship to relationship without a break. The 1 year rule should apply to people like that. I don't get how people can move on so fast into another long term relationship after having just got out of a 3+ year one...like that previous one didn't matter at all.
i've been singl well over 1 year. when's it my turn to cash-in?!
@Living_just_2_breathe@xanga - so sorry
You can't just apply on rule to all relationships. I agree that jumping from person to person is a really stupid idea, but waiting a year after being with someone maybe three-four months is also really stupid to me. I generally try and leave six months in between relationships as a general rule, but every situation is different.
i dont like to get married because of this. divorce. im weird. i knooow!
it depends on the circumstances of the relationship. some people piss me off so much that I cut them out immediately and don't care and don't want to talk to again. a few rare other people, it took me at least 1-2 years to not forget but have neutral feelings when I think about them. and that's zero communication with the person whatsoever. I don't mean that I want to be friends again once it becomes neutral, but that I'm no longer annoyed, sad or whatever other deep feelings. if he was my lifetime partner, who died, I'd probably remain depressed for a long time, most likely longer than a year. but that's just me. different people react differently to various situations. do whatever works for you in general.
I like this idea. I think saying a year is too long and too short. It totally depends on the person. I personally was sad for like 2-3 weeks took about a month to figure shit out, learn to do things on my own again taking classes and having hobbies etcetc. it does not take an entire year for some people. Maybe its different in my case, we were together for five years not married i guess im pretty young...24...also i had educational goals to consider.....anyways my point is. the reasons she say take a year to yourself makes sense. it just dusnt always have to be for that long. or that short.
I think it's reasonable. At the same time no. People aren't so black and white. People move on at different times. It's up to THEM to know. I don't think you can set up a rule for everyone.
I think two things:1. This rule was probably made to be an easy answer for radio talk-show time limits and is generalized. Any self-respecting clinical psychologist or therapist would never REALLY use such a concrete rule, but any self-respecting clinical therapist wouldn't give their "advice" either when it comes to a client's problems because that's not what therapists are supposed to do.2. This rule is so full of bullshit I can smell it from a mile away. No amount of time dictates whether someone is ready for a relationship, and by that note, there are some people who should be waiting indefinitely to be in relationships.Take the situation of people who have been separated for years before a divorce. Perhaps they didn't get a divorce because they just didn't want to deal with it, or because they wanted to continue the financial benefits of being married. If someone has been essentially emotionally self-sufficient for those years and then gets a divorce, they then have to wait a whole year beyond that to start dating?How about the situation of the death of your spouse? Sure, it's the right amount of time for most people. However, I know of plenty of stories where a spouse has gone through a long and painful death due to cancer with a friend there to help them, and they realize shortly after the death of their spouse that they are in love with this new supportive friend. Some people may take that as "wrong" or offensive, but think about it: if their spouse really loves them, wouldn't they want to see them happy? I couldn't think of anyone better than someone who is able to be there in someone's time of need.There is no point to a rule like this, and I think that's the point I'm trying to make. Instead of having people rely on silly rules, I think we should instead focus on promoting self-awareness, self-sufficiency, and good judgement. Only those three things will let someone know whether they're ready for another relationship.
@xinq@xanga - Sometimes people come to the conclusion that a relationship is worth nothing while in it. It's usually a relationship-ender and can be very enlightening.
I don't think a year is arbitrary at all. Whether we like it or not, regardless of religion or geographic location, our lives are cyclical on a yearly basis. Every year has the same holidays, similar weather patterns and associated moods, possibly anniversaries and traditions, possibly education or work patterns (seasonal deadlines?). To make it a year after a difficult breakup or loss is to discover that you can handle each and every one of those things by yourself. The second time around, you can't wake up in the morning and think 'last year, they were here on this day.' 'It's his mom's birthday.' 'It would have been our __ anniversary.' Or, maybe you do, but it's far less acute than the first time.Obviously this is a guideline. Obviously it doesn't apply to short (less than a year) relationships, although I still think there is usually some time frame before feeling whole again. Personally, I was put off by her insistence on 'same sex' friends. Firstly, because what about same-sex relationships? Secondly, because I believe it is possible to get wonderful support from persons of the opposite sex after a breakup without crossing the lines of friendship. Then again, that is the kind of distinction a person can and should draw for themselves--who can you be around who will not confuse you emotionally?
Comments are closed.