August 27, 2017
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Anxiety in the Age of Online Dating
Nervously guiding your unsteady hands across the keyboard, you manage to cobble together a rudimentary online dating profile, perhaps even featuring that one rare photo which managed to capture your good side last year — or at least, that’s what you tell yourself. The summary you’ve devised feels like a fabrication; it’s equal parts who you think other people want to meet (an ambitious, forward-thinking lightning rod of confidence who enjoys holding small domesticated animals) and quirky enough to send signals to like-minded individuals who enjoy knitting sweaters featuring Gizmo of Gremlins fame. In truth, the result is incongruence — like the image you semi-successfully project to others versus your internalized anxieties. It’s the groundwork for self-sabotage, and you’ve just hit the “submit” button.
The butterflies in your stomach churn to produce mild perspiration as the ambivalence sets in: What if interest is non-existent? Should I message first? What’s wrong with me? Maybe I’m too unattractive for anyone to consider; maybe it won’t be so bad.
Every passing hour without a notification of interest lowers your self-esteem, until it finally hits rock bottom when seemingly attractive individuals view your profile but refrain from messaging. Oh, god ... I’m ugly, aren’t I? You want to step away from your computer or power off the phone, but the need for validation from total strangers feels like a necessity to stop the anxiety that bleeds internally.
You agonize in solitude because mental health issues are still stigmatized (let alone anxiety over a dating profile), waiting for the first sign that you aren’t the complete cretin you’ve made yourself out to be. Finally, like the heavens parting to the sound of the “Hallelujah” chorus from Handel’s Messiah, a glimmer of hope arrives packaged with a classically attractive face that reads, “Hi.” After scouring their profile, checking out the two professional-looking photographs available, and constructing an over-eager response, you shoot it off into cyberspace with bated breath.
Almost instantaneously, a notification arrives, jump-starting your heart because you’re in disbelief at the prospect of a modelesque hunk or babe being interested in an anxious mess. The brand new, color-coded message opens, and it reads, “Wanna get 2 know me? Follow this link 2 reach my private xxx cam room. U won’t regret it. ;]” You’ve been had: It’s a total farce. The all-too-familiar anxiety morphs into an almost tangible depression that forces you into your covers for hours in a dark room, away from all that triggers.
When you’re chained to the weight of crippling anxiety, any action that could result in a loss of self-worth or an increase in panic attacks feels like a threat to your very existence. What should be a relatively painless process that may set you up on a few interesting dates becomes the difference between getting out of bed or sleeping in.
As anxiety sufferers are well aware, the fight or flight response can kick in at any time, even when it’s in relation to the trivial. Despite it being common for your average person to feel some form of anxiety, an individual with generalized anxiety disorder will react strongly in response to stress; it can effectively interfere with almost every aspect of your life as you’re in a constant state of worry and dread. Panic attacks may seem to come out of the blue, but the subconscious houses many trigger points that can set off the hyperarousal. When you couple that with an active, preventable situation that’s stress-inducing, you have a recipe for debilitating anxiety (which is why you can become ambivalent when entering the dating scene).
How do you manage your anxiety if you’re looking to date? It can feel like a Sisyphean task in day-to-day situations, but meeting new people and having to deal with rejection is an ordeal in itself. As a sufferer of more than 10 years, I can empathize and tell you that it’s much easier said than done. There are no tricks to get better in 30 days. There aren’t any ancient Chinese supplements that will rearrange the chemicals in your brain in a way that makes you impervious to depression or anxiety. An acupuncturist turning you into Pinhead from Hellraiser won’t stop your panic attacks. In fact, it may be a lifelong battle.
I’m not here to tell you it’s easy — rather, that I’m struggling along with you. Although I do not have the particular issues I outlined with online dating (for the most part), I do understand them and can tell you what has helped lessen my anxiety, if only a little. The goal is to manage it (disrupting its cyclical nature, for example), not find some “miracle cure.”
First, we have to understand that anxiety can have one or multiple roots which can result from genetic predispositions, panic disorders, social phobias, uncommon drug side-effects, or even a combination of things. As such, there is no “one-size-fits-all” guide to overcoming it. There are specific things one can do that generally help, but each individual will deal with their anxiety differently.
The most difficult step is oftentimes the first: Where do you even begin? How do you find the motivation to begin in the first place? In my experience, the catalyst for managing anxiety has, indeed, been medication mixed with therapy and exercise. Medication helps lessen the symptoms, but therapy attempts to get to the root of it. Exercise provides you with a post-workout high, an increase in self-esteem, and a body that’s more prepared to handle stress.
A good place to start in the interim, especially if you’re feeling anxious about dating, is to look into benzodiazepines such as Xanax or Ativan. It can be habit forming, so only take one pre-date to calm your nerves or while browsing your prefered dating site/app. (The onset of action will vary based on the drug, so be sure to inquire about it.) It’s a sedative, so you will feel at ease without the stupefying negatives of, say, alcohol. Communicate with your psychiatrist and figure out what works best for you (which may require a bit of trial and error).
Benzodiazepines are usually coupled with SSRIs or SNRIs (such as Prozac or Cymbalta) which act as a first-line treatment, but they can be effective enough to work on their own. Benzodiazepines can give you a more immediate result which is why I recommend trying them first, but they’re best used temporarily or sparingly once you’re well into a first-line treatment.
Cognitive behavioral therapy can also be astonishingly helpful with anxiety and dating because it tackles negative thought patterns and behaviors that loop and cause distress. For example, if your happiness is dependent on the outcome of a date or interactions with prospective dates online, you can interrupt the offending thought patterns. Instead of being outcome dependent and dreading bad dates or rejection, you can comfort yourself by looking forward to doing something you enjoy by yourself at home and realizing that there are plenty of other people you can interact with until you finally click with someone.
You may pick something that’s enjoyable for a first date (good food, movie, or a fun activity), and if things don’t work out, at least you enjoyed some aspect of it. Rather than looking at it as a failure, you’ll see it as time spent interacting with other people, potentially enjoying your time. If you go to a museum, perhaps it’s enough to relish the sights even if your date is a bust. The experience will add up, and your dates will go more smoothly in the future. Glass half full, right? Plan something fun for yourself as a backup. But we’re getting a little ahead of ourselves.
So you’ve calmed your nerves to a point where you’re capable of sending a message to someone who likes putting mustard in their protein shakes as much as you do — what now? Well, you need to hit the rewind button, and work on your profile! With a calmer disposition, you can more easily reflect on what you want others to take away from your “pitch.” After all, your profile is nothing if it doesn’t show your qualities and idiosyncrasies.
Doing away with the incongruence will help you have more successful meetups because your date won’t feel betrayed when you come across exactly as you portrayed yourself in text. If you’re not a playful, humorous person, don’t litter your profile with half-baked jokes or whimsy. Alternatively, if you’re a goofball that’s into comic books and Nobuo Uematsu compositions, don’t pretend to be a mysterious street magician with a closet full of tacky feathered hats. Unless being yourself means self-deprecation or ripping lines straight out of Elliot Rodger’s manifesto, giving people a good idea of what you enjoy and who you are will attract those with similarities (especially on OKCupid where percentages dictate matches) and ensure genuineness.
Now, I don’t mean you should “be yourself” as general advice, rather as a way to keep your mind from trying to play a character you willed into existence on your profile. Being hyper-aware of what you’re doing on a date can be detrimental: You’ll be focused on your mannerisms, speech, and other automatic processes instead of allowing it to flow naturally. Being in a relaxed, natural state will allow you to be a good listener and an active participant — two very crucial aspects of a date. A benzodiazepine is useful here since it will relax your muscles and lessen your racing thoughts; you won’t be as stiff.
The second most nerve-racking part of the process for the anxiety-ridden is typing up a message and waiting on a response. Do you ever catch yourself envisioning your future with every person you’ve messaged after perusing their profile and being stricken by how amazing they sound on paper? Every rejection feels like a potential “happily ever after” circling down the drain into a black hole full of other desirable strangers, awaiting a “next life” to materialize. It’s utterly disappointing, until the next perfect stranger snubs you. Ouch!
If you want to avoid some of the anxiety of breaking the ice, comment on a topic that strikes your interest on their profile. Given the amount of copy/paste messages that are sent en masse, you’ll already have a slight edge by demonstrating that you bothered to read their profile. If there isn’t enough content to formulate a tailored message, it may be a good idea to just search elsewhere. This seems like common sense advice, but you’d be surprised at the number of banal messages sent on dating sites.
Assuming you’ve managed to strike up a conversation, you might feel a sudden anxiousness at the possibility of meeting up for a date if all goes well. In fact, you may consciously prolong the interaction or simply bail out before a date materializes! I absolutely understand this; anxiety can be a strange beast. Going back to cognitive behavioral therapy, now would be a good time to remind yourself that the date is where the bulk of your interaction should be, messages are to be kept short and to the point, you will enjoy yourself in some way, and you will have gained a bit of experience even if things don’t go well.
It can be tempting to disappear once you’ve had the satisfaction of knowing someone out there was interested enough to have a conversation with you and provided the validation you craved, but you’ll accrue regret in the process. Get their phone number, set up a date, and follow through. You can take a benzo before your big date and even bring a couple in your pocket in case you really need one; I found that having them with me helped relieve some of the anxiety in the past.
In the event that you had a successful date, you’ll likely experience a high that’ll feel like all of your anxiety has been lifted. It’s a bit similar to the feeling you get after a workout, but sometimes, a good date can even be the catalyst that motivates you. Having social interactions and bonding promotes positive effects on your stress levels, and an improvement means you’ll be more open to socializing (which means more dates). Better yet, instead of going for a handshake on subsequent dates, try a hug: Your body will release the feel-good, mood-improving oxytocin hormone.
If you’re feeling more motivated now, it would be a good idea to ease yourself into a workout routine. The physical changes are nice and will improve your self-esteem, but its ability to help combat stress will be invaluable. According to the American Psychological Association, exercise has a notable, positive effect on mental health. It’s very likely that exercise enhances your body’s ability to handle stress.
I have to reiterate that it’s all easier said than done, but if you start to chip away slowly at the root of your anxiety, you can successfully manage it for long periods of time. You have medication, therapy, exercise, and social interactions that can work in conjunction to lift you up — if only just a tad. There’s nothing shameful about seeking help or taking prescription drugs, so don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Experiences will vary, but this is largely what has worked in my favor. Make sure you’re seeing a professional when you’ve decided to get help for your mental health issues (hint: the guy on the corner of your block is not a professional). In time, you’ll be spending your Christmas Eves knitting Gizmo sweaters with a loved one; I’m sure of it.
