June 24, 2013
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Aren't People In Relationships Just Really Waiting For Something Better to Come Along?
While flipping through some of my movie channels this week on one of my rare nights off, I came across one of my favorite feel good movies: Hitch. The movie stars Will Smith and Eva Mendes in which Smith's character plays a date doctor/ "consultant" that unexpectedly ends up falling in love, inexplicably (because that's how we all fall in love) with Mendes' workaholic, slightly toxic character. Hitch is one of those movies that makes you believe in the magic of love and that if you really set your mind to it YOU TOO can have the person that you have already decided on. Err, I'm not really sure that happens in real life.
It's a movie after all, so of course that wouldn't happen in real life, but then again, maybe. Before Mendes' character falls in love with Smith's she is a cynic when it comes to life but especially when it comes to love. She is clearly a beautiful woman and she pushes men away because she believes that all men are the same and that dating is a game. Boo hoo. Yeah, dating fucking sucks. Get over it. But that's not my point. One line in particular, from her character's dialogue really resonated with me, allow me to paraphrase: aren't people in relationships just really waiting for something better to come along? Hmm...
I'm going to be a cynic myself and say that the answer is yes. Yes, people in relationships are waiting for something better to come along. It actually makes sense. We all date, whether it is for fun or for wanting to have a stable partner or for finding the one who we want to spend the rest of our lives with but deep down in a really strange way, aren't we all looking for something better?
Here is what I mean by looking for something better: most people have several relationships in their lives and they go through many until they find what it is they were looking for. Otherwise, if we weren't always looking for something better, wouldn't we all be perpetually single until we were all absolutely certain that a person we met was the one and then get into a relationship with them? Don't all of us or if not most get into relationships we're not sure about but we get into them anyway? This question/quote although kind of silly, is a really interesting relationship thought question and one in which I think can also be reworded to say: who do you want to waste your time with for the next 2-5 years of your life? It's human nature to always want something better.
Yes, I am being a cynic or a realist but this is all interesting to think about, perhaps a different angle on relationships in general. I'm not saying this is the correct way to think, I just hope it will arouse some thought regarding my logic in tearing apart this silly movie quote.
What are your thoughts?
Comments (22)
I don't know if looking for something better is the term. I think most people are looking for something that fits.
I've been thinking about this.There are numerous guys around me at the moment that I could have a relationship with but I'm staying single until one comes along that has all that I am looking for. It's been over two years now that I've been alone...I keep thinking maybe I'll be alone forever or have to settle in a few years. I decided that I'd rather be alone because I've settled in the past and I ended up really unhappy hence why I'm single now and haven't dated any of the guys in the past two years who wanted a relationship with me.Interesting and slightly worrying to think about hahaAnd before anyone says my expectations are too high, you should know that I'm not looking for a thor-like millionaire or anything. Just a cute guy who is nice, funny, has some direction in life, is motivated and treats his family well. It's sooo much harder to find someone that you feel chemistry with than I thought.
@isitreal_no@xanga - thor from the mythology or thor from the comic book/movie franchise?
@LauraDeLuna@xanga - Thor as in Chris Hemsworth that used to be on Home and Away haha
I've not ever felt that way. Dated a lot before I was married. Been married 35 years now to the same guy..never strayed from our marriage. Never looked for any better because I got a pretty good guy. No one is perfect...not even me!
#1: far too much of that post was bold. You can't emphasize half a post that long, it just loses effectiveness.As for the meat of it, I think people are in relationships for companionship above all. Sure, we all have friends and families, but there is something to a sexually attractive partner (usually opposite-, but sometimes same-sex) that is special and different. It's another level of connection and companionship. I think once you find someone you can connect with, you stop searching at least temporarily and you work on what you have. Even if the fit is bad, many people will keep trying with it because it's easier to believe you can fix what you have, and even to blame yourself, than to believe that you can find someone who is a better fit. Furthermore, I think the reasoning that you're waiting implies you can *tell* when you see someone who's better for you. Whereas, really, you might be attracted or even have a crush, but you won't be able to tell if you can be vulnerable with them, or live with their quirks, or if they'll tolerate or love your own quirks. There are just so many factors. As for those who stay in relationships for a long time without getting engaged or married, I'm sure there are also numerous causes. Some might be comfortable with their roles and not believe in marriage. Others might have logistical barriers--I don't want to be engaged or married to someone I can't live with, and for the next 2-3 years while I finish my PhD that's not an option for my bf and me. We're not waiting for someone else; we're just waiting for the right time to move forward.
It never occurred to me to try to "get someone better". I simply fell in love and clicked with an intelligent, kind, flawed, beautiful man. I can't imagine anyone better. That's not to say he's perfect, but I can't imagine being with anyone else.This outlook on relationships might apply to some people, but it is definitely not what everyone thinks. It's not what I've ever thought, anyways.
@isitreal_no@xanga - damn girl! why exactly aren't you holding out for that???
@LauraDeLuna@xanga - hahaha out of my league! Maybe when I look like a comparable goddess I will raise my expectations haha
When explained like that, it actually makes sense to me now. I have been perpetually single for over 6 years now.
For me When I chose to date some one I realized they were human and I like them. Once I committed to them I focused on them not waiting for something better. Not looking out at others seeing what my partner didn't have. That's the mistake people make... They put them selves first and when you do that... Your relationship eventually fall's apart and you call it quits and say you fell out of love.It's up to the two people in the relationship to make a real commitment and say "I wouldn't know if there is anything better because my focus is on you... Not them."
@MommyMarty24@xanga - "That's the mistake people make... They put them selves first and when you do that... Your relationship eventually fall's apart and you call it quits and say you fell out of love."^ Truth.
This might be true for some, but definitely not me. Some people just NEED to be in a relationship at all times, and have "filler" boyfriends that hold them over til the next serious one, which often also ends with the find of "something better". I like being single and criticizing men who approach me. I take my time and examine their qualities and how they correspond with my own. I wouldn't call someone my boyfriend unless I had every reason to believe in the potential of the relationship. If, over time, compatibility seemed to wear off, I wouldn't wait until someone more compatible came along to end it. I would be much more likely then to chose someone out of desperation and a means to end the current, bad relationship. All in all, you shouldn't ever feel like you're wasting years of your life on a relationship. It should feel right, until it doesn't, and then it should end. Uncertainty is normal I guess, but if you can bear the thought of being without the person, then you don't need them.
I normally feel that I've wasted my time if he did things to disappoint me. I mean I don't go into relationships thinking that he'll disappoint me. yeah, people make mistakes, but sometimes, once the line is crossed, there's no really going back to the way things were. it is easy to say to forgive and forget, but seriously, sometimes the person does/says things that hurt me repeatedly, and I won't tolerate it. then I'll be so irritated that one thing that I feel is that I wasted my time amongst other angry/sad/etc feelings. but if the relationship is generally happy, then why question it, just be
Are you talking about actual relationships? If you were referring to "dating" then I can see where you're coming from. But real relationships, no. That's why people are in them, because they...LIKE the person they are with or at least that's the whole point. If everybody dated around waiting for someone better it would just be an endless cycle of barely anybody being able to stick with one person.
I've been in a relationship for seven years. I have had thought that something better WILL come along eventually if not now. Until recently I realized, I do have something better and he is right next to me. What was I looking for? As it turned out, in some cases like you mentioned, it isn't actually looking for someone ELSE for better, it is looking inside yourself and get a better look on life. You cannot love and be loved if you don't love yourself. [[ You CAN be loved but it isn't something you can feel ]]
"Otherwise, if we weren't always looking for something better, wouldn't we all be perpetually single until we were all absolutely certain that a person we met was the one and then get into a relationship with them?"Not necessarily. Maybe a person is already in a relationship with someone they are happy with. I don't know about anyone else in a relationship, but I'm not looking for someone better to come along. I've been dating the same guy for almost 2 years now, and I'm happy with what I have. I never think about finding someone better because I'm focused on the relationship I'm presently in.
You're seriously misguided if that's what you really think.Surely you've been in a relationship where things just didn't work. It ended, not because you were looking for something better, but because one or both of you knew that it just wasn't right.
"Otherwise, if we weren't always looking for something better, wouldn't we all be perpetually single until we were all absolutely certain that a person we met was the one and then get into a relationship with them? "Yeah... --^ that is me.I do not know why anyone would date someone if they thought they could do better.... I wouldn't waste my time or my energy trying to show affection to someone if all I could think about was finding someone else. If, suddenly, I thought, "oops.. I could do better than this crap I'm in", my first order of business would be to break up with said SO-- not look for replacement number um-teenth.When I was with my ex, I never thought of leaving him for someone 'better'. I liked him because I connected with him. Even if someone was nicer, more interested and even more attractive, the desire to find something better never crossed my mind. Maybe this is the case for other people, but those people are most likely insecure, cheaters, or selfish. Like my Ex. I am with a perfect-for-me man right now. and I have never thought 'I could do better' since we were in a committed relationship. While dating, yes-- but in a relationship? I put more respect in my life and myself than that...and anyway, I don't like this post because it implies everyone is trying to find excuses to cheat and be unhappy in a relationship; and I really don't believe that's true.
i'm fairly satisfied with my relationship. i'm not looking for anything better.
No. I'm in a relationship and I'm not looking for "something better", lol.
I think people are just looking for a match. yeah, some people get into relationships and know it's most likely not going to work out, but the ones that do this know deep down inside that they're going to change and it's all for fun and to make themselves happy for the moment. You won't know for sure if someone is right for you unless you're in a relationship and test it out. Even friends that are interested in each other but stay as friends don't know everything about each other. Unless you interrogate and interview someone everyday and study how they are, you're not going to know if they're the one or not. You have to take that chance, whether you have a good feeling about them or not, to see if things will work out. If things go well and there are a few bumps in the road, that's where you decide if you want to change for the better, or leave to find something better. I think that's the difference. Most people sit there and think things aren't the way they want it, so they just leave. Others see problems and think they can be fixed if enough effort is put in, and if there isn't that's when they have enough reason to leave.I dunno, I just don't think the majority of people who want relationships are just passing the time until they find something better. There is always "something better" out there, but is it all in one complete package (person)? Probably not. That's why I would rather try to fix things or improve them with someone rather than dump them because they don't do something I like or are a certain way that I would prefer.People like saying "if they don't like you for who you are then they don't deserve you" or any other form of the saying but then... who said you were so great in the first place? Some people don't like to admit they need to change some things about themselves. If you know other people aren't perfect then you should be able to see that sometimes you aren't either. Of course, there are lines that are drawn, but for the most part a relationship is about compromise. Sometimes you have to give up or change certain things if you really want things to work, and sometimes the other person should just learn to deal with it!Man, three years in a relationship has taught me a lot. Five years ago I was totally shouting "if you're not happy, leave!" Now I know better.
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