June 24, 2013
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What's Your Number?
One summer afternoon, I was having lunch with my friends Victoria and Anna, catching them up on my personal life and hearing all about theirs. Victoria had just recently started dating this guy named Will, and, of course, Anna and I were eager to hear all about him. Victoria told us all about his traits, his quirks… and his 21 sexual partners.Anna and I were a little taken aback. I thought to myself, Will has had as many sexual partners as years I’ve been alive. Victoria didn’t (and still doesn’t) seem to care about Will’s number, though. But should she? How many sexual partners is too many?
I made a few assumptions (I know, I know, making assumptions is never good) about Will judging by his sexual history. I assumed that he must not really care about the people he sleeps with, unless he has some profound capacity to develop strong feelings for 21 different women in the span of, oh, maybe 8 years. I also assumed that he might have pretty low standards, or that he might have been desperate for sex. None of these things screamed “boyfriend material” to me.
To top it off, Victoria told us that Will had not been tested. And because it was early in their relationship, she did not feel comfortable demanding that he get tested. Now, not only was Victoria’s emotional well-being on the line, but her health was in jeopardy, too.
I want to make it clear that I do not have a problem with (safe) casual sex. And if Will was just some random guy that Victoria was (safely) fooling around with, I probably wouldn’t care much about his sexual history. Victoria was falling for Will, though, and I didn’t want her to become just another notch on his bedpost. Even worse, I didn’t want her to contract some disease that Will got from one of the 21 mystery women he slept with.
Since we’re talking numbers, I should probably disclose mine. It’s one. Yep, just one. And this isn’t because I vowed to save myself for “The One” or anything like that. It’s simply because I met and slept with my now-fiancée when I was 16. Sometimes, I do wish I would’ve played the field a little more before settling down (geez, that sounds slutty). But, I’m completely happy with the way things are now, and I wouldn’t give up my current situation for any amount of casual sex.
Now, a year or so after that summertime lunch, Victoria and Will are still going strong. Maybe numbers don’t matter so much, after all.
So, what’s your number? How many sexual partners is too many? How many would be a dealbreaker for you? Or, can you never have too many sexual partners?
Comments (22)
6 people (soon to be 7!).I always think it's sad the things that some women are afraid to ask to the guy that they're having sex with. She's sleeping with him and she's afraid to ask him to get tested? That's some healthy self-respect right there.One time, I got dumped because I wouldn't sleep with the guy until he got tested first. At the time, he had already been with 15 women, so it was worth it.
I don't get how people judge numbers. What's a high number is relative, to some people 1 is too much for a prospective spouse to have had, so if a person has been sexually active with someone he/she wasn't married to how does he judge someone else on their number of people? Personally the past is the past, and I'd never ask a girl her number. That said, if she'd currently have sex with someone she's not married to, I could date her casually but I could never really take her seriously. As for testing, I think one can ask about that too soon. The person asking has to be ready to accept however the asked person responds.
I have a "Will" in my life. I like to call him man whore and I actually joke about him being one. I guess it helps joking about it so it doesn't bother me as much as it would. He's #18 for me. I told him I couldn't care less about his past even though when I first met him I acted bothered by it. Before him I was with my 4-year guy so not much of a gory history. All the 15-and before was from when I was in college. Then I told him as long as he is clean, not talking to those 40-50 women anymore, I don't care. Yep, he's in the 40-50 ball park and he's 25 and lost his at 16-years-old. Now I don't have to deal with a guy judging me since his history is worse so he can't point fingers.
Not that they ever judged me in the first place and I hid nothing from them.
"So, what’s your number?"1"How many sexual partners is too many?"1"How many would be a dealbreaker for you?"1
I'm somewhere between 60 and 70. My goal is to hit triple digits before I die (better get to work eh, I've got about nine months left!). Quite frankly having sex with a particular person more than one is just plain boring. It's like ordering the same menu item over and over again. Gag me with a spoon.
" I assumed that he must not really care about the people he sleeps with, unless he has some profound capacity to develop strong feelings for 21 different women in the span of, oh, maybe 8 years. I also assumed that he might have pretty low standards, or that he might have been desperate for sex."I think you made one more assumption; that he felt the same way about each of these women. And that the only feelings that matter are romantic ones. He probably had a few serious relationships, a couple shorter-term ones, some FWB's, and then some one-night stands or similar. Chances are that he cared about the well-being of many of these women, even if he didn't want to pursue a relationship with them (or vice versa!). I would bet that he has a few experiences he regrets; but I would not go so far as to expect that it's most or even many of his encounters. Now, I say all this because I know some people with relatively high 'numbers,' and that's how their histories look. My own is 1, and I have no problem with that, nor pride in it. It's just how it is.
I think I've had at least 11. I had a pretty good relationship with someone who had maybe 30? And according to him, it only counts if he finishes >.>... But putting that aside, there are so many other things I deem to be red flags for a person I think about getting into a relationship with.
15. At my age (23) and for my peer group, that's a very low number. I'm content now at 15 with my boyfriend. But if we ever break up, obviously that number will rise dramatically.I don't think any number is too high unless you're hitting triple digits and can't remember half the experiences.
@Pure_Taint@xanga - "At my age (23) and for my peer group, that's a very low number."Rationalizing. At your age and for your peer group, 1 is also a very low number.15 is a very low number. Congratulations, you're one of the thinnest kids at fat camp.
My number is 2. I don't really have a clearly defined limit for what a "dealbreaker" would me. To me, it matters more how he feels about sex and if he's clean. I would not sleep with someone who hadn't been tested (did that once, never again). And, ideally, I'd prefer to be with someone who sees sex as an act of love, not someone who is just using me for his pleasure when I've developed feelings for him. If someone was sleeping with a different person every week, then, no, I don't think I'd be comfortable with that, because it's probably not about love to him. But I want the next person I sleep with to be someone I really love, who feels the same about me, and is willing to make sure I won't be left with any unwanted souvenirs.
At age 23, I think 3 is a fair number... I don't want it to go super high, but I also don't want to be naive. Over 10 is kind of a deal breaker for me, but over 5 is still on that line of caution.
The number can be high because maybe he had a different mindset in his past. Who knows, maybe his view towards relationships has changed. I don't think it's so much the past that matters, but whether or not he is a changed person that matters.
Two and I'm twenty. It will probably (hopefully) stay at two.
Two. I'm 26, and had one 5 and a half year relationship, and one 4 year relationship. I'm not against people having casual sex, I just feel like I'm emotionally better suited to have sex in a relationship.@Pure_Taint@xanga - I'm surprised that 15 is a "very low" number at age 23. What would the average be among your friends? That's like 2 or 3 partners a year? I would say average for most of my friends at age 26/27 is maybe 3-10 partners, which accounts for the odd one night stand, and a handful of longer-term relationships. Unless your friends just really make the most of their single time haha (or perhaps have had less time spent in long-term relationships?). I have the odd friend who has had 20-30+ partners but that's fairly rare. For the record, I'm not passing judgment on you or your pals, just surprised, that's all.
@secretbeerreporter@xanga - heeeeyyyy, not bad for being disabled
@theotherside - Heh. I have to admit that sex is probably my biggest vice. I'm a horny motherfucker. I hang out at clubs and such where other people are just looking for a one-night stand and have never had trouble finding just that.
@essien@xanga - "I don't get how people judge numbers. What's a high number is relative..."So apparently you do get it.It's simple... because what is a high number is relative, don't act like you're entitled to sleep with whoever you want and if they turn you down because you're a slut then don't act like it's a problem with them or that they're "closed minded" or inconsiderate of your feelings as a slut. You just explained it and yet you don't get it?Acting confused in order to discredit a position is so 90s."Personally the past is the past..."No shit. That's why we call it the past.
my lucky number is 6, but that's counting only people i've had vaginal penetration with.
My number is 0 because I want to wait until I'm married. My bf of 2 1/2 years' is 4. I wouldn't care if his number was more than that. Who am I to judge anyone's sexual decisions? I just think he's amazing for waiting so long for me.:)
@thin4school@xanga - "Who am I to judge anyone's sexual decisions?"Who are you not to?There are people far better and far worse than you in every conceivable way that both judge others and choose not to respectively. It's not like you're taking some moral high road by not caring whereas others would care and a person's past would affect them.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - Haha ok, I see what you mean. What I mean then is the number of sexual partners of a person is not a factor to me in whether or not they are a good person or would make a wonderful significant other.
@essien@xanga - I agree. I don't care much about numbers, but I figured out that my SO did. I don't blame him for it, he just has different ideas than I do. My ex had a bit of a number attached to her and I just shrugged it off. Like you said, past is past. I loved her for who she was, and didn't care what it was. I just knew that she had been tested, was clean and so was I. what was the problem?
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