June 25, 2013
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Colorism and Dating
I was talking to this guy at a party my freshman year. We were engaging in simple small talk when he suddenly grabbed my hand and started examining it. "Wow, I can almost see your veins through your skin," he smiled and patted my hand, "you know how we like those light-skinned girls."
I was confused for a couple of reasons. First of all, I never really considered myself light. This is probably because I grew up in schools and environments that were predominately white. So clearly all us black kids were noticeably darker than our peers. It was not until college that people started asking what race I was or what I was mixed with. (Both of my parents are full black.) Secondly, who is this "we" he was referring to? He was a fairly tall guy with a very dark complexion that was going to school in California but was originally from Ghana. So did he mean men in general? Dark men? Ghanaians? Who was this collective group of people that inherently liked light skinned girls? As far as I knew, it was up to personal preference.
It was also particularly confusing because my family (and a lot of my black friends) is conventionally "light." (Once again, I do not really see us as light, but we have been told this.) And just like a lot of white people going to tanning beds and buying fake tanner, a lot of women in my family and friend groups want to be darker. Just over a month ago when my family was in Miami for my brother's graduation, my aunt insisted that we go to the beach so she could "get her tan on." She was determined to return home much darker than when she left. Darker is better for her. It is more beautiful.
This odd discrepancy in what is desirable in skin tone was brought to my attention again when I was talking to my friend, Molly*. Molly is very dark skinned, and she was quite upset one night about her experiences with dating. She tearfully explained how, because of her skin tone, she received a lot of negativity from men, and black men in particular. She told me, "[she] was always too dark and because [she] was dark, [she] was therefore: ugly, ghetto, dirty, and not as desired as lighter skinned girls."
This horrible discrimination and specific view of beauty can be seen as the effects of Colorism. If you have time, I would suggest watching an excellent documentary on the issue called Dark Girls. (It is a little over an hour.)
Why do you think Molly struggles with being darker and dating while my aunt desperately wants to get tan? Do you think Colorism has a great effect on dating? Have you ever been affected by it?
Comments (17)
As a korean person born and raised in America, I see the differences on both sides. My american side wants to "get my tan on" as well, and think I look better darker. My korean relatives, and other korean people born and raised in that culture, think dark is bad because it means you've been out in the fields working like a poor person, instead of sitting idly indoors getting paler and more translucent. It's a constant back and forth, and no one's happy in the end. Despite it all, however, it lets me know who I'd consider a good person and who I'd consider a bad person. For the most part, I disregard people who overtly and superficially care about colorism, or height, or ethnicity, or religion, or whatever. They're all lumped in my head as people who think their own shit doesn't stink, as people who I would never want to associate with, as people of lower intelligence or waaaay too different from me, as people who I'd never want in my world. And to them, I say good riddance.
I wouldn't call you "light." Rihanna is "light," Obama is "light." Society is obsessed with skin color, so I think by "we" he meant society.
Wow that's really interesting, and the discrimination is obviously horrible. I am really white, and get a lot of teasing about it but it's usually joking teasing because my skins like nice white so meh. It used to bother me being so white and having a couple of moles, but now I don't care. Just happy to have skin. In saying that I haven't experienced discrimination like that so I don't understand it.
I am extremely white. By most caucasian standards I am not as attractive as a tanner girl but it's not something I care about really. I would prefer to not get skin cancer and not worry about the superficial as much as my own health. I really don't like the fact that there is such a stigma with most races as to what skin tone is the "right" tone even within a specific color. I think what particularly bothers me about the black skin tone issue is that so many blacks feel like they are judged unfairly for their color, yet they subject each other to it as much as anyone else. I once had a lady in FL tell me that she got too dark and she couldn't wait to get home to lighten up. It was the first time I'd ever heard a black woman say anything like that. Then I heard about skin bleaching and the lengths some women will go to just too be lighter. It makes me sad.
@isitreal_no@xanga - lol, I'm pasty : D
muscles just look sexier on black men than other races. I don't really find light toned muscles or tanned muscles sexy, whether they are naturally that color or have an artificial tan. I see buff white guys or tanned buff asians and they just don't do it for me, but when I see built black men, they make me do a double take and think damn he's hot bodybuilders get spray on tans to emphasize their muscle definition whereas tyson beckford is born with such smooth and sexy skin. then he sculpted his body*sigh* I don't know about females. I mostly pay attention to hot guys.
to be quite honest with you, i think you overthink things regarding race and color *way* more than any normal person (american) does. don't get me wrong, i very liberally pepper conversation and jokes with topics regarding race (gender, religion, etc) that many would find offensive, but there's a difference between casual jokes/discussions and reading into everyone's comments as a huge issue. and i get the impression that by and large, you do the latter. for example, when the frat boy said "we", i really think he was just being flirty with you. e.g. "well don't we ALL know haley is the cutest girl to come out of houston?" that sort of thing. not meant as a criticism, by the way, just an observation.
I'm not at all physically/sexually attracted to dark skin.Not even a tan white girl. Maybe a very slightly tan Caucasian, but not much more than that.Which is kind of odd, considering I'm 1/2 Native American (that is to say I can get pretty dark in the summer).
im south asian, and there's a huge preference for lighter skin. Dark is no good. There are plenty of creams and treatments in india to "whiten" the skin , some even go to the extent of using bleaching. I guess lighter is preferred in women. However, its okay for the guy to be dark but the wife cannot be darker than the husband. This is seen especially during arrange marriage procedures. Not sure if it still happens, probably does in village areas
I Actually don't think she read to far into it. I have friends from Ghana they're twin exchanged students, and their friends are from South Africa. Despite the fact that there are tons of female exchange students from regions of the African continent at our school whom they would have so much more in common with, still, most of the guys there go after my aunt(she's the same age as me, and we're twins in everything but appearance) because she has longer hair and lighter skin. I honestly think for the most part it's the foreign aspect that makes it attractive, like american girls and British accents. But when it comes to the black community as a whole look no further than rap "I like 'em long hair, thick, red bone." Being constantly and consistently peppered with comments like that, it has an effect. That is to instill the image of aesthetic beauty to not be too dark(whatever the hell that means).@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga -
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - What exactly is a "normal" (American) person? A white, male, heterosexual, able-bodied person, perhaps? It may be a little out of the ordinary (though by no means bad, and definitely welcomed) for this kind of "normal" person to "overthink" things regarding race and color, but for a black woman (or man), this is hardly overthinking. Would you have told Martin Luther King Jr. that he was overthinking things regarding race and color? Would you tell a disabled person that they are overthinking things regarding ability (like the lack of ramp access to a building)? Would you tell a gay person (especially at this critical time) that they are overthinking things regarding sexual orientation (like the 1,138 federal rights that they are currently being denied because of marriage laws)? We "overthink" things that matter to us, no matter how big (like Prop 8 or DOMA) or small (like someone saying "that's so gay"). If we didn't "overthink," we would never get anywhere.
I have olive skin, which has always made people ask what my racial background was. It is British, so this just makes me uncomfortable. I know what colour-ism feels like however, and am sure l have been passed over for fairer girls...
It's funny. It is all about light skin in India. Its a class thing. Being white over there drew so much attention people would ask to take my picture. They would hide from the sun as much as possible.
@Stephonb15@xanga - i think you're right when you say it's mostly just a preference for the exotic. i have a brown friend (born in america) who jokes about white girls being exotic to him the same way chinese girls are exotic to white guys. i'm not 100% sure i agree that hip-hop pushes a fairer color on women though...it constitutes most of the music i listen to and i feel like there's a super strong preference for black girls over white girls. (and then we have the occasional video like "indian flute" hahaha).as for me, my preference rotates...ultimately all i care about is that she washes her vagina. summer has rrived, it's hot outside these days and the last thing i want to do is smell grilled salmon on the train. my commute is long enough as it is
@samanthamolton - i meant none of those things when i said normal, which incidentally totally reflects my opinion of this 
however, you did make me realize one thing about the inherent bias in my sample of "normal" americans, and that's that i have only ever been in super cosmopolitan areas. i have never been to the south (never want to go) but my understanding is that racism is a little more real out there. as for my earlier comment though, i was more basing it on her past articles (and admittedly i may be confusing other interns' articles with hers as well). nobody's saying she can sit at the front of the bus when they say she has light skin. all they're doing is making a passing remark. i really find it difficult to believe that most of these comments are meant to be taken as seriously as she takes them, is all i'm saying.with regard to physical attraction, people have their preferences (which i'm sure are influenced by society as well), and i don't think anyone can be faulted for liking some features over others. does it suck for the people who get the short end of the stick? sure, ask any asian guy (brown or yellow) and they'll agree in a heartbeat. doesn't mean that people aren't entitled to those preferences. by the way, i'm kind of curious..."but for a black woman (or man), this is hardly overthinking" - did you assume i'm not black when you wrote that? cause that would be pretty embarrassing for you if i was, right? :p
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - You know, I suppose I did assume that you aren't black, simply because I would assume (damn, there I go again) that a black man/woman wouldn't tell another black man/woman that he/she is overthinking race and color. I wouldn't be embarrassed, though, if you were.
For me at least, as a lesbian, I wouldn't tell a gay man that he was overthinking things regarding sexual orientation. That's what brought me to make the assumption.
Colorism is an extremely strange dichotomy in the black community especially for the exact same reasons you described, while light skin is often seen as more attractive in the realm of dating, light skinned people are often not taken very seriously. Light skin can be akin to the blonde stereotype. I've known many light skinned women that say while they are coveted by men, they are often seen as nothing but trophies and not taken seriously for their attributes beyond their skin color. Men expect them to just sit around and look pretty and don't try to build anything serious with them. They say they are often cheated on and disregarded quickly once the man loses interest. It's two sides of the same coin really, because dark skinned girls and women are similarly not taken seriously for their attributes beyond their skin color. But the truth is a lot of them are likely dodging a bullet and not having to deal with men that aren't worth their time anyway. But that does not stop the degradation of the self esteem of many a black girl because they not only experience this rejection from men, but also from friends and family. A dark skinned girl may be seen in less favor by her family than her light skinned sister. Her peers may tell her, 'you're pretty for a dark skinned girl.' That causes them to have a complex that makes them gravitate toward any old man who will accept them, regardless of whether than man has her best interest at heart.Again, like I said colorism is destructive because it teaches all shades that they have no merit beyond the color of their skin. In recent years many ignorant rappers have spoken out about their distaste of dark skinned women, "I don't do dark butts," "Dark skined girls shouldn't wear red lipstick," and the like. Yes these are actual quotes from people, from black men. LiL Wayne has said that after his first daughter he has only had mixed race children so they would not come out dark, saying she is the last dark skinned child he will have. I mean, imagine how that could affect her in the future if she finds out her father said that about her.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - there's no way you could be a Black person making comments such as it can't be that big of a deal because every black person knows what a huge issue colorism is in our community. she's discussing something that as a Black woman she's intimately familiar with. you're not in the Black community so I don't expect you to understand what a HUGE issue this is for us. so much so that there are countless books, articles, essays, studies, documentaries on how colorism affects the black community. this is an issue that's CENTURIES old and dates all the way back to the days of slavery. so if you don't get it that's fine, I don't expect you to. but don't discount or gloss over her experiences just because they're foreign or unfathomable to you.to the author: you may do a lot better of sites like Clutch or The Root that are more aimed towards this issues and other issues that affect people of color. talking about whether a guy should pay on the first date or one night stands is universal. this particular issue isn't
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