June 25, 2013

• My Dating Journey: Three Confessions and an Ultimatum

  
  At the end of My Dating Journey: I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It, I was sitting in Nathan’s Mazda, preparing to tell him that I made out with Mercedes. That wasn’t all, though. If I was going to be completely honest, I would have to tell him that Mercedes and I had been flirting before (and after) our drunken kiss. By this point, I knew I was starting to develop feelings for Mercedes. I also knew that Nathan was the best boyfriend I’d ever had. I was entirely torn.

  Before I jump back to the scene in the car, I should say that I’m terrible at confessions. My words never make sense and I stumble all over them. I usually end up crying or laughing or just making shit up. I should also say that the following conversation, despite happening almost five years ago, is etched deeply into my memory. 

  I had been silent for a few minutes. Nathan looked over. Ready, set, speak. “So! I have to talk to you about something, which sounds bad but I swear it isn’t, at least I don’t think it is, it’s just something to, you know, chat about…” He kept staring. “You know Mercedes, right? Yeah… Well, so, okay, we kinda-sorta made out the other night and it was just a drunk thing, so… You know, we flirt and stuff, but it’s just a friend thing, so… Yeah…” 

  I wasn’t sure if I had even made sense. He looked at me blankly, and then, slowly, his face warped to form either an angry/confused or delighted/intrigued expression – to this day, I still don’t know how to peg it. He didn’t say anything. I wanted him so badly to say something. I wanted him to get upset, to get pissed off, if for no other reason to validate that he cared about me and cared about our relationship. 

  Finally, he simply said, “Okay.” I felt the need to keep talking. 

  “I mean, it’s not like I like her. No way. Not at all. I don’t like her. You don’t even need to worry about that. I don’t like her.” I wasn’t sure if I was trying to convince him or convince myself. 

  “Okay. You can do whatever, as long as you don’t… like her,” Nathan said. And that was it. When I look back on those few minutes in his car, sometimes I think he knew right then and there. Maybe it was my poorly faked nonchalance, or perhaps how adamant I was about not liking her. Either way, I think he knew. 

  After a few days of weirdness and tension between me and Nathan, I got a text from Mercedes. “I think I might like you.” Cue butterflies. I could feel myself blushing. She just put it all out in the open, and now the next move was mine. I knew that I liked her, but I was still with Nathan. I contemplated ignoring the text. I contemplated replying, only to tell Mercedes that this had to stop right now. 

  I did neither of those things. 

  “I think I might feel the same way.” Send. My heart was racing. She texted back with a smile. Now what? Mercedes and I had just transformed from drunken make out buddies to… well, what were we, anyway?  

  Later that night, I got a text from Nathan. “I don’t know if this is going to work out,” it read. A mix of sadness and relief swept over me. 

  “What do you mean?” I asked, pretending to be a doe-eyed, clueless girlfriend that couldn’t possibly have feelings for someone other than her boyfriend.  

  “I can’t go on like this. You’re going to have to choose between your relationship with me or your friendship with Mercedes.” Nathan had just hit me with an ultimatum. I can’t say that I was surprised; I was sort of expecting it. And now, here it was. A final decision. A choice between him and Mercedes. A battle between head and heart. 

  Shit. 

  To be continued… 

  Have you ever questioned your sexuality, or explored your feelings for members of the same sex? Have you ever been faced with an ultimatum in a relationship? What would you do in this situation?

  Image Source

  • 5:00 pm
  • 13 Comments