June 27, 2013
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An Inherent Imbalance in Relationships?
I met Joe* at my friend's art show last weekend. We got pretty deep in conversation, and he started telling me about his most recent relationship. He told me he ended it because it was clear that she like him more than he liked her. He did not think this was fair.
Clearly Joe felt there was a notable difference between how his ex felt about him and how he felt about her. While he did have feelings for her, he knew they were not as strong as hers. Because of this great difference in feelings, Joe felt the need to break it off.
When the difference in feeling is this great, a break up might be for the best. However, I have heard people assert that there is always a difference in "power" in relationships. No matter what, one person will like the other more. (Of course this difference might be very, very minimal.) When the difference is minimal, a relationship can work. A relationship can also work if the difference is not so minimal. It simply depends on the people in the relationship and their dynamic. No matter what, though, one person always "likes" the other more.
Have you ever been in a relationship where there was a clear imbalance in feelings? Do you think there is always a difference in "power" in every relationship. Does one person always like the other more (even if it is just by a little bit)?
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Comments (27)
Zion's 1st Law: No two things are ever the same. If they were the same, they would be one thing, not two. If there exists information that distinguishes one thing from another, they are different.Breaking things off with a person because their feelings are stronger (i.e. different) than one's own is an excuse.If the other person's feelings are what determine whether or not you want to be with them, you'd be better off dating yourself.The irony is that he would almost certainly date someone who he likes more than she likes him (someone who, unlike him, doesn't mind the difference making him a total hypocrite). There is an observer effect, especially in relationships where neither person involved is an unbiased 3rd party.
I know a few old ladies that always tell me to marry someone who loves me more than I love them haha they might be onto something:) I have been in that situation on both sides. I preferred to be the one that likes more, but it was by a minimal amount. It made me uneasy when I dated the guy who liked me more, I didn't think I deserved it. That was a long time ago now so maybe I would feel differently now. I don't know why I bother commenting on these things, I've been single for almost three years hahaha I don't know what I'm talking about.
Idk studies show that men tend to overestimate the interest of the other person while females tend to underestimate it. Maybe this has something to do with it?
Protection of self usually is paramount.
I know my bf used to like me more. Like, a lot more. But over time he got used to me and saw me with all my flaws and imperfections so he stopped putting me on a pedestal lol.And over time I loved him more too, and raised his pedestal. Actually I think I raised it too much and hes now milking it for all its worth.When you date someone for a prolong period, affection for your partner naturally increases. Of course ymmv due to multiple factors in place. But this is what I see usually. When people tell you to date someone who loves you more than you love them, I think theres a great pound of wisdom there. Relationships go through highs and lows but to have someone in it who is willing to hang on harder for the other is necessary to ensure it survives.I dont know how many times we've discussed breaking up but each time he persisted in making us work. That persistence is what makes a relationship successful.
Yes going both ways. It hurts like hell to be the one who cares more and to lose that person but I think it teaches a great lesson in independence in that you realize that the sun doesn't rise and set on someone, no matter how wonderful you might think they are and that life does go on.
How much you like someone can change a dozen times throughout the day.
How can you even truly know if someone likes you more than you like them??
@nepenthium@xanga - Exactly. It's unfalsifiable.The worst part is, no matter what she does, he will construe it as more effort on her part and take it as her liking him even more. There's no way to prove him wrong.
@theotherside - Yep, hurts so much more, but you learn and grow so much from it. =]
@stanlee255@xanga - I agree. I think heartache of all kinds are one of the most maturing processes.
@stanlee255@xanga - @theotherside - Yup, in the same way spankings teach you not to hit others... unless of course, like the person administering it, you feel you're justified in doing so.Heartbreak is never a good thing. Learning from it is a necessity... seeing as if things worked out, you wouldn't have needed to learn anything from it.It's like saying bullying teaches you to leave your lunch money at home. Well, without bullies, that lesson is pretty useless.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - there is this thing called wisdom, that comes with experience. There is no man who has lived by the drum, That didn't come away with some lessons.
@theotherside - There is this little thing called a waste of time, That comes with believing that which is unnecessary is advantageous. Wisdom is unnecessary, When nothing goes wrong.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - you are going to be stagnant for a long time if that is your philosophy.
@theotherside - "I'm the kind of person who endorses a deep commitment Getting comfy getting perfect is what I live for..."http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CuCBGzc-IMk
@T3hZ10n@xanga - You only grow as much as you need to. When things are all happy and fine, you're content with where you're at and there's no reason to push yourself. When you've hit rock bottom and a little more, your willingness to grow and mature is much greater. I think you may have misunderstood @theotherside It's more than just learning about what you could've done... It's everything else that comes with emotional pain and struggle. You venture out to meet new people, try new things, and rebuild your self-esteem. Something along those lines I believe.
@stanlee255@xanga - From the perspective of someone who has been through it (without a choice) the whole experience may very well seem beneficial to you. To one who does not have to go through it, the experience of heartache is really fucking pointless.If you can avoid it, you should. There is no net gain from it. It only appears that way once you've suffered a loss.It would be like saying burning your hand on a hot pan is good, because you learn firsthand about heat. That experience is really unnecessary. You can feel heat (even the discomfort thereof) without burning yourself. In-fact, that's why the sensation exists... so you don't. All the lessons that can be learned and the experience gained from heartbreak can be had from other aspects of life.It's a fallacy to make it out to be that failure is necessary to success. Just because things happen that are beyond our ability to control that doesn't mean they are necessary.If you can succeed without having to fail first, what the Hell is there to learn from failing?
@T3hZ10n@xanga - I can't believe you used a savage garden song for a cool moment. And by the way, comfy, cozy relationships go through some very difficult, painful times. Not breaking up with someone doesn't mean you avoid all pain.
@stanlee255@xanga - He thinks he's hitting it out of the ballpark with his arguments right now. I guess i can understand. from about 18 to 23, I felt the same way. I had no idea what experience/wisdom really consisted of.
In relationships, there is always going to be someone who cares at least a little more than the other, and both won't progress at the same rate. I understand his fear; my ex told me he loved me after two months, and I wasn't there yet. I kind of freaked out and broke it off, convinced I would never be in the same place as him if I wasn't there yet.The only advice I can give, and have been giving to myself, is that maybe he needs to date someone who's prepared to move as slowly as he is. Some people are just in different places in their lives; some want to fall in love instantly, while others aren't yet ready for it. And maybe your friend could benefit with taking a step back, or with dating someone in the same place as her. And honestly, there's nothing wrong with holding back your feelings a little to protect your heart in the long run. Sort of a don't put all your eggs in one basket kind of deal.
@theotherside - You're projecting.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - I love how often you say that to people. What I did is called empathizing. "Projection is an unconscious fantasy that we are able to rid ourselves of some part of our psyche by splitting it off and putting it outside ourselves, usually into somebody else." I don't want to rid myself of that part of me, I accept it and don't think there is anything wrong with where I was at that age. I didn't expect myself to be perfect. I am not ashamed of it so I don't have any need to project.
From my experience, and all I've seen, I'll say the answer is most often yes. Not always, but most often. And I've also noticed it tends to sway... Where one person may feel slightly more strongly than the other for a period, and then the other's feelings grow or the original person's feelings shrink.. So, yeah.
I have yet to see many fully equal relationships.
@theotherside - Mistakenly sympathizing. Is that better?The person has to be going through something for you to empathize with them. Instead of telling you why you're way off I just cut to the chase and told you that you're projecting. I wasn't in the mood to explain to you why you're wrong.You have a lot in common with the trolls on here. They'll say something about my "only girlfriend" and I don't even argue with those particular points, notably because I've had 5 girlfriends in my life. You see, when you make an untrue or inaccurate claim, for the sake of the argument (or rather, playing Devil's advocate with myself), I usually just give you the benefit of the doubt and I still annihilate it because it's based on false premises and misinformation.Like the little trollapalooza on your recent pulse where someone said "Waawaabooboo, the only girlfriend I've ever had found out I'm a fucking loser. I'll act anal and pious to everyone I meet now as a way to deflect."...(notice in that thread I never mentioned I've had 5 girlfriends)... just like that, you're making an idiot of yourself with your incorrect assumptions about me, but in this case I'm just coming right out and telling you that your points are wildly inaccurate.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - "If you can succeed without having to fail first, what the Hell is there to learn from failing?" I'm sorry man, but if you've never failed, you've never tried anything new. Believe what you want, but I believe failure teaches us to be humble and modest. It teaches us to grow in new ways beyond what was just experienced. I'm glad for everything that I have failed in because it has taught me to strive harder so I can succeed in my next encounter. But when you do succeed, you appreciate the success that much more. But if you think failure is pointless, well, I wish you luck sir.
@theotherside - "I can't believe you used a savage garden song for a cool moment."You're just mad because I'm cool enough to pull it off.
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