June 28, 2013
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What Happens When Your Beliefs Don't Match Up?
This has been a really exciting week for American politics. On Tuesday, the Supreme Court struck down part of the Voting Rights Act, which means it could get even harder for minority groups to vote in the South. That same day, a Texas bill that would effectively ban abortion failed to pass after Senator Wendy Davis’s epic 11-hour filibuster. Finally, on Wednesday, the fight for marriage equality got a huge boost after the Supreme Court handed down its rulings on DOMA and Prop 8.These “hot topics” tend to strike up a lot of debate, and both sides usually get pretty heated. My fiancée and I tend to see eye-to-eye on these controversial issues, but if we didn’t, I’m not sure how well I would be able to deal. What happens, exactly, when your beliefs don’t match up with your SO’s?
My fiancée and I are very liberal when it comes to social issues. When these court cases or other political issues arise, we stand on the same side and hope for the same outcome. All of our values, even down to our religious beliefs, are perfectly aligned. (Remember, I’m not talking about every opinion/preference in the world. I’m focusing on beliefs related to those “hot topics” issues.) Personally, I couldn’t be happier with this. My beliefs are pretty strongly held, and though I certainly respect and value diversity of opinion, I’m not sure if I could handle that diversity in my own relationship.
At least for me, being with a partner who had drastically different beliefs would be extremely difficult. Mercedes and I have enough little things to argue about; I couldn’t possibly imagine arguing over abortion, gun control, the death penalty, immigration rights, religion… These arguments would assuredly get ugly, and what’s more, they would be lingering around every corner. A single news report could set us off, and within a span of minutes, one of us could be spending the night on the couch.
I also wonder how we’d go about raising our future kids. I’m all for allowing kids to make up their own minds, but I’m not naïve enough to think that our beliefs don’t impact theirs. Would we grumble about or celebrate guns at the dinner table? Which rallies would we take our child to? Would every mismatched belief be a fight waiting to happen?
My best friend Victoria is very socially conservative, and I have no problem with that. I mean, I guess I do have a problem with her views, but not with her as a person. I love her to death, I respect her opinions, and I listen to what she has to say on these issues. Since I’m not in a relationship with her, our differing viewpoints aren’t a huge deal. As long as we don’t talk about those things, everything is peachy keen. Usually.
I asked Victoria what her opinion was on all of this. She said, "When you love and care about someone, you can learn to deal with [having different views], and in the end you better understand each other." One of her ex-boyfriends was indeed "against some of [her] beliefs," but she said it "never posed a big issue." The particular topic up for discussion definitely matters, too. According to another one of my friends, “Since I’m all for gay rights, I couldn’t handle him being homophobic. Gun control and death penalty, I wouldn’t really care.”
If your partner has different beliefs and the two of you are able to make things work, congratulations! Seriously! More power to you. I really don’t think I could do it.
If you’re in a relationship, does your partner share your beliefs? Are you glad he/she does? If he/she doesn't, do you wish he/she did? How do you make it work? If you’re not in a relationship, could you ever be with someone who has drastically different beliefs?
Comments (6)
"My beliefs are pretty strongly held, and though I certainly respect and value diversity of opinion, I’m not sure if I could handle that diversity in my own relationship."Lol... it's all good when it doesn't obviously affect you.Yeah, at one time in the south it was general consensus that Africans were non-human animals, and there were even (so-called) "scientific" manuals on how to tame and train one's slave(s).Not all opinions are inherently equal. Personally, when it comes to opinions you have to earn my respect, I'm not just going to give it to you because your beliefs are different.This whole "to each their own" shit being construed as mature or superior to having strong convictions is a widely growing trend, but I see right through it as the superficial credibility grab it really is. People like to say to each their own until someone else's idiotic beliefs negatively affect them.
no conservative uteri are allowed near my spermy wermies. ever. i have some friends who are conservative and, like you, i can't do any kind of political discussion with them. i couldn't even dream of knowingly dating a conservative girl. (i'm sure i have done so in the past but these things have never come up.) on election night, i started drinking at 430 pm in celebration of obama winning (bc i knew he was going to win). my neighbor came out with me and partied (almost) as hard as i did. yet somehow he's dating a conservative girl now. i have NO idea how he does it...
If you're talking political beliefs, I think it's doable. It might be hard if both are opinionated and passionate about politics, but.... I don't know, I'm dating a guy that's a liberal and I lean more conservatively. I refuse to talk politics with him not because it makes me angry, but because I get tired of him not seeing my point
My best friend (who is conservative), however, told me that she would really prefer someone that has the same beliefs as her because she doesn't think she could have a relationship with someone with total opposite beliefs. To each their own I guess.
It definitely depends on 1) the issue at hand and 2) if/how each of us are active in the cause. I could never date someone who is actively opposed gay marriage. But if his "activity" is limited to voting, I might be able to deal, especially if he is doing so based on his religious beliefs and doesn't treat homosexuals unfairly. I don't think a guy like that would want to date me, though.Pro-life is similar. If he is going out and doing the those protests and trying to shut down planned parenthoods, no. A guy who I was considering dating had told me he was Republican and I'm pretty liberal. I had no idea what being a republican entailed for him and said we'd see how it went. He decided we weren't compatible, so I'm guessing he felt he was going to have an issue with my beliefs.
My boyfriend and I have very similar politcal views, so talking about any of the topics you mentioned isn't a problem. Although we have similar political views, we couldn't be more different. It's really hard to deal with someone who is completely different than you in terms of personality and behavior, but we're trying to make it work. You can't really change someone. You either love a person for who they are or you don't.
my SO and I have similar political views, but at first our religious views were different. I'm atheist and he (was?) christian. it was a struggle at first. we did talk about how it would impact our relationship, if we wanted to have kids how it would impact them and how we would raise them, etc. we did tackle it head on instead of boxing it up and ignoring it, i am proud of that. he did, strangely enough, end up renouncing his faith a couple of months back. it hasn't really changed much in our relationship, honestly.
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