July 15, 2013

• Are You Ever Really Ready to Be in Love?

  

  Yesterday I bubbled up and broke into pieces inside. I met up with my boyfriend after I went out with my girlfriend for the evening. I wanted to see him but I was angry. So angry that I couldn't look him in the eyes. In short, disgusted with him. Fed up and every other word used to describe being somewhat finished with another person's bullshit. Prior to seeing him we hadn't conversed in almost two days. He was with his young daughter, he said, which is no excuse for the lack of communication. I think he forgot that cell phones have since merged into a sort of third anatomical limb to the human body. There is no excuse for not getting in touch and not texting. This was not like him; something felt off.

  I was pissed and fed up and text him the night before. I told him I was finished with work and asked him if he was. I sat at the bar and waited for him to respond to me, left and then ten minutes later, after I had already gone, he appeared. I was already home, long gone. He never answered my text or by the time he answered, it was too late; I had waited a while for him to text me back. He told me he came to surprise me. I thought it was sweet but deep down I thought, what the fuck? Couldn't you just answer me? The following evening, which was last night, we saw each other.

  I met him downtown with our friends, closer to home. I was slightly inebriated and pissed because something felt off between us. But then again, it might have all just been in my head. It wasn't in my head. After sitting for a while it was time to leave. We sat outside and waited for our friends, he lit up a cigarette, turned to me and said, "You're not happy with me." He was spot on at the moment but that was a huge generalization. I was not happy with what he did and him being difficult. I didn't answer him right away but then after a few seconds of thought and looking off into the abyss, I looked at him and said, "You're making it very difficult." And he was making it difficult for me to be madly in love with him.

  Sure, I am in love with him and I know that he loves me but not in the same way that I love him. He turns to me once again and tells me that he loves me but he is not 100% all there. "I am not ready to be all the way in love. But I love you," he said. I knew that already. He comes with a lot of baggage: recently divorced, a young daughter and a career that is just beginning to pick up again. He has been down for a while but throughout has remained a pretty happy guy, rather simplistic in speak, what makes him happy and his overall minimalistic needs, in short, the complete opposite of me. We balance each other out. He went on to say that I deserve 100% and that he is not sure when he will get there or if ever. I confessed the same to myself in my head. But then why am I so drawn to him?

  We walked to the subway, waited for the L, got into the car and stood there for a long time, his head turned the other way deep in thought, "I think I am going to let you go."

  I hugged him tightly. No, no, no. This is not right. I was not going to have this discussion on the subway. But I lifted my head, looked deep into his eyes. Fuck. I knew by looking into them that I love him. I said, "Baby, I love you. I know that. You're not the reason for my unhappiness, I am not happy with where I am right now. I know I love you because I love being with you and I want your babies." It was the truth. He held me until we got off at our stop. I must also add that I did tell him how difficult I thought he was being. That's him, I guess.

  I wasn't ready to let him go, especially because I am very unsure at this point in my life what exactly it is that I want. The only thing I was sure of was that I was not ready to let him go.

  At that point, everything became intense. I stopped him in the middle of the street because I couldn't take it: We started to make out, very intensely. We made it home, went upstairs and had mind-blowing sex, our lips locked the entire time. That had never happened before. 

  We were OK.

  Time is on my side to figure things out but in the meantime, I love him, inexplicably because after all, one of the greatest mysteries in this life is love. It just happens, even if you're not ready for it.

  Do you believe that you are ever really ready to be in love or that it just happens?

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  • 7:30 pm
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