July 21, 2013

  • When Is It the Right Time to Ask?


    I don't know when to ask my boyfriend to go on a family vacation, because we've only been dating for three and a half weeks now. My family's going on a trip to Missouri in August, and I know by that time we will have been together for exactly two months. I don't want to scare him off by asking him too early in the relationship and I don't want to make it seem like we're moving too fast by going to see my dad's side of the family.

    I know that he would love it down there. However, the last time our relationship went a little bit too fast for us, which led to a break-up, and I just don't want to ruin it again by doing this. I want to be together a lot longer this time than the last time we were together. I'm new to this whole dating thing because when I was younger I really didn't date much.

    I feel like I'm about to ruin it if I do ask him this. I really don't want to end up brokenhearted again like I was the last time we were dating.

    How can I ask him without being blunt about it and not making him feel rushed in the relationship?

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Comments (14)

  • Don't ask him to go, if you want this to last for a long time then there will be other vacations right? And when it comes along in a few months and he can't come just say that you didn't ask earlier because it was so early into your relationship you didn't want to put pressure on it. It's not the end of the world if he doesn't go on vacation with you one time.

  • Dontttttt ask. Geez.

  • unless you knew him for a long time before dating, 2 months is *way* too early, especially if your fam's gonna be there too...

  • I asked my bf about a month into our relationship to come spend the secular holidays with my family two months from then. Mitigating circumstances were that he already knew my folks, and there was a possibility I would have invited him as a friend if we hadn't started dating (we'd known each other almost 5 years at that point). I started off by giving him a disclaimer that I knew it was early to ask such a thing, but given our history I was going to, and there was no pressure on him to accept for any reason. I also told him I might have waited another month or so to see how things go, but knew he would need time to get finances in order if he wanted to go, so I was asking early.

  • Don't ask. Give yourself (and him) some space. If you really, really want him to go, just be like, "So I'm going on vacation to here at this date!" and just tell him about it like it's another fun fact in your life. If he really wants to go, he'll probably invite himself (and I'm just basing that off, like, ALL my exes lol).

  • I met my (then) boyfriend (now) fiance only a month ago when he invited me to go to the beach with his many friends and parents.... I didn't know any of his friends or his family but I love the beach and wasn't about to say no- especially when he said he would take me deep sea fishing. I had never even been on a boat in the ocean before this point. I had a great time... but there were many friends there and it wasn't just his family. That would make things a little bit different. Mention the vacation with him and perhaps say it jokingly.... ahh you should come, but you would probably not wanna hang out with my family all weekend! IF you think it would be something he would enjoy and have fun then ask him... if it's some family reunion type deal- DO NOT ASK HIM. I mean come on... you are gonna have fun because it's your family but he is going to be weirded out... besides, you don't want to scare him off too early in the game.

  • hmm. yeah, if it's really worrying you, then don't ask him to come. On a side curiousity... you were dating the same guy before and broke up because it was too fast then?

  • I'd say that it is a bit too soon for you to drag along the boyfriend. Take a friend and you'd have just as much fun. Bringing the boyfriend will be uncomfortable for you and him considering that there would be separate sleeping accomodations to keep y'all separated and there also would be the discomfort of dealing with family members inquiring about whether y'all are sexually active. He would also endure the pressure of having to live up to a model citizen in front of your family to impress them. It couldn't be too fun to be on edge that early in the relationship. Save yourself the hassle. Keep the family roadtrip separate from your relationship. A day will come when that is an option. In any case, I would recommend never introducing potential boyfriends to the parents until it become serious. By serious, I don't mean boyfriend-girlfriend... I mean, this is the man I plan to marry. You will stumble through quite a few frogs before you find a prince. The last thing you want is your family telling your prince about all the frogs that you've been with before him. Keep it to yourself until you're sure you want to share.

  • Ask him if he wants to come, just as a holiday. But before you do, make sure your family won't embarrass you in any way. Family are family, good, bad and ugly, all rolled up into one.  

  • I wouldn't. Seems way to soon in my opinion. When you've been together a little longer-- say, 2 months in or so?-- then I've heard a good general rule of thumb is don't make plans further down the road than the amount of time you've been going out. So when you get to 2 months in August, don't make plans past October. I had a guy do that to me once and it was a huge factor in my ending things very quickly. We had been hanging out for about a month and a half, maybe two, so it was about mid August at this point. I had refused to even "define the relationship" yet, no matter how many times he begged. Then he started talking about what he and I were going to be doing as a couple at Thanksgiving and Christmas. I was completely put off by that. We were over within a few weeks.

  • It may be right for you, but it does sound a bit too rushed too soon... If I were your boyfriend, I'd be spooked. 

  • @DenimPants@xanga - I also wondered the same thing.  

  • If you have to bend on what you feel is "natural" for you to make things work for him, it may be a hint that there is someone out there more compatible with the way you live life.    Ideally, small compromises are a part of any relationship, but if one person always strives to meet the other's expectations and stops doing what they would naturally do, it may be the world's way of saying that the metaphorical stars just aren't aligned. Of course, at this stage of a new relationship, you can't quite jump to a conclusion like that.   I'd offer the option in an honest and lighthearted way.  If you do this, make absolutely certain that you express it as a fun offer and not as though its an expectation or obligation.

  • My boyfriend and I had been dating a month before I was off to Arizona to stay with friends for a week. He knew I was going and even ordered the plane ticket for me. I never asked him if he would want to come because it was pretty expensive and didn't think he wanted to go because he never mentioned any desire. Turns out he did have the money and wanted to go but didn't want to invite himself since the relationship was still new. I regret not asking him and sharing that experience together. Three years later and we still haven't been able to travel anywhere together.Obviously every situation is different and you are going with family and not friends. But I do think you should mention it to him. 

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