July 24, 2013

  • The Pineapple Theory


    Once upon a Cosmo, I read that I should eat pineapple. This advice did not appear in the health and fitness section of the magazine, though – it was included in the sex tips. According to the all-knowing mag, pineapple doesn’t just taste sweet, but it makes you taste sweet, too. Today, as I sit in my apartment listening to my upstairs neighbors blast Katy Perry, I wonder: is there any truth to the pineapple theory?

    I giggled as I did a Bing search for “pineapple vagina.” The first few results were from Yahoo Answers, and they reveal that a lot of women are wondering about this. One woman asks, “How many days in a row would I have to eat pineapple to get my vagina to smell and taste better?” Another asks, “How does pineapple juice help a vagina?” Alright, time to get to the bottom of this. 

    Perhaps unsurprisingly, I was unable to find anything even remotely scientific on the topic. I did find an article on Jezebel, though, and I at least trust that source more than Yahoo Answers. According to the article: 

    [Pineapple] is high in sugars, and when you eat it, some internal mechanism sends tiny Magic School Buses to your stomach to cart away the sweet pineapple molecules straight to your vagina. Also recommended: apples, celery, yogurt, red grapes, cranberry juice, lots of water, mint, watermelon, strawberries. 

    It seems, then, that any food or drink that is high in natural sugars will somehow, by way of Magic School Buses or something else, make you taste sweeter. This factoid is obviously operating under the assumption that sweeter is better, but we must not forget that what is “better” is totally subjective. I’m sure, for instance, that there are ladies and gents out there who like their vagina sour with a hint of salt. Who knows? I should also mention that these diet suggestions go for all bodily fluid tastes – not just vaginal ones. Men, sweetness is just a bite away for you, too!  

    So, does the way you taste down there really matter? In the grand scheme of things, probably not. If someone wants to go down on you, he or she probably won’t run away screaming if you don’t taste like a fruit parfait. Then again, if this person is willing to tire their jaw and tongue to pleasure you, you might as well try to make it more pleasant for them. After all, you want them to enjoy performing oral on you, right? I’ve never tested the pineapple theory myself, but it’s worth a shot. I like pineapple and oral sex anyway, so it’s a win-win!   

    Before reading this post, had you heard of the pineapple theory? Have you ever tested it? Are there any other foods/drinks that you’ve tested? Did it/they work? How much does taste really matter when it comes to oral sex?   

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