July 27, 2013

  • How Do You Stop Feeling Awful After a Hookup?


    Initially I was very excited to go on my study abroad program this summer. I knew learning about art history and taking an art class in Italy would be the perfect setting for me, given I am an art major. I had no idea that other things would be involved that weren't written on the class agenda, however.

    We would get a lot of weekends off during the program where we were free to travel to other cities on the train and just sightsee or relax. A girl I became close friends with on the trip invited me to one of her friend's bbqs he had at his house. It was this weekend in particular that really makes me feel horrible about myself.

    The guys that were present were older than us and attractive. One in particular knew more English than the rest of the group so I would talk to him a lot that day and night. We spoke of interesting topics like the economy and our travels abroad. I felt like we were hitting it off since we had a lot of the same opinions on traveling and other things.

     
    After my friend passed out super early (about 8pm) from drinking too much, I was left alone at the party. They were speaking Italian to each  other so I found it difficult to really get a word in, so I remained mostly quiet but present during the rest of the night while more friends showed up. After many more beers and the night turned into the early morning, everyone decided to go to the club. When they began to talk about who would drive who, the guy I was talking to that night agreed to drive me.
     
    Basically, during the car ride, he lied to me telling me that the club was closed. It turned out the club wasn't closed, since my friend's guy friend had video of the club and showed it to us the next day. He asked me if I wanted to be driven back to the house or if I wanted to go to his apartment. Since I knew my friend was passed out and there was no way for me to enter the house without waking her up by ringing the alarm for the apartment, I decided to go with him, knowing he would want sex.

    I didn't feel like he deserved to have sex with me since I just met him that day and we didn't really flirt during the bbq but at the same time, I sort of felt pressured to do it. He told me he wasn't a bad guy and that he thought I was beautiful. And I think drunk me thought that would suffice. The sex sucked since he was very intoxicated and afterwards, I wished I could sneak out and run but I didn't have a car or a way out so I had to spend the night there. I was actually sort of scared. It was awkward the next morning. Way too intimate too soon.

     
    I honestly thought I made the right decision at the time but I was very wrong.  Since we were drinking all day and a lot that night, I think my decision making skills were very impaired. I thought he may have liked me and wanted to keep in touch but after three responses to my messages a little while after that night, I could tell he couldn't care less about me. It sucks knowing that he lied to me so he could get some action or that he took advantage of the situation, but at the same time I guess I brought it upon myself.

    However, during the moment, I didn't think what I was doing was that bad. It just really makes me sad to think that he probably flaunted the fact that he took home an American girl that night and it was so simple for him. I ended up feeling like shit now and it seems that I always feel this way after a hookup...

     
    Has anyone ever gone through anything like this?

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Comments (21)

  • i studied abroad and my roommates experienced a lot of this. foreigners often think american girls are very easy...this does not seem to be something you take lightly, and one out of character night shouldn't be damaging the woman you know yourself to be! mistakes are just that, some women live their entire lives repeatedly doing these kinds of things and wondering why they are unhappy. see it as a lesson, think about the better nights of your time abroad (i'm sure there are MANY) and move on!

  • It may take awhile, but see it as a learning experience rather than something that tarnishes everything about you. I had a hook-up two years ago with a girl I met at a party. We were attracted to each other and even though we both saw ourselves as (mostly) straight, we were both kind of curious what lesbian sex was like, so we hooked up. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but the next morning, I had all these doubts. I didn't even know her, other than the few little tidbits she'd told me about herself at the party. We hadn't used protection. I felt so stupid for that. But I think part of what helped me get through it was making a list of what I wanted in a sexual relationship, mainly what I want to happen in the relationship before it gets sexual. So now any time the opportunity presents itself, I think of that list and I ask myself if I really want to wake up the next morning feeling the way I did then. Doing that has reminded me that I do have a say in what happens in my sex life, to a point. And that's made me feel stronger. And also, hopefully you will eventually get to the point where you can see this as something that taught you about what you want or don't want, rather than something that taints your whole being and somehow makes you a horrible person.

  • Ouch. You should take some time for yourself and do something that makes you feel good. After my regrettable one-night stands, I felt awful. I slept way more than I probably should have, and showered intensely. It helped me get over it. Now, looking back, I still regret it, but I'm not still beating myself up about it.

  • We all make mistakes, just learn from them. I felt guilty about most of the girls I slept with after the fact and since noticing it didn't add an inch to me as a man I decided to keep it chaste for a year and then till marriage. And foreigners are fair to think American girls are relatively easy. 

  • my advice is to stay away from them greasy foreginer rapisters

  • Aww you poor thing.  Well, as long as you had safe sex and did not catch any STIs, just chalk it up as a good lesson learned.  Know what one night stands feel like, and never do them again. It could have ended badly (as has for many girls), so at least you're now safely away from him.  Hopefully the crappy feeling will go away.  Don't regret it, think of it as an experience that may have possibly prevented something even worse from happening.

  • You did a fucking stupid thing. He could have raped you or even killed you and there would have been no one about to help you. But, oh well, everyone does stupid things, you're alive to tell the tale. Think yourself lucky, don't do it again, and move on. 

  • "I didn't feel like he deserved to have sex with me since I just met him that day and we didn't really flirt during the bbq but at the same time,I sort of felt pressured to do it""I honestly thought I made the right decision at the time but I was very wrong."you said contradictory things in the article. i dont' believe you. don't drink and have sex, do it sober if you feel bad about yourself. you're old enough to evaluate previous bad decisions and make appropriate changes in the future. stop being a little whiney ass bitch, people like you annoy the fk out of me. have some sense of identity and don't do things you don't want to do or dont' feel right in the moment, and stop lying to other people about it to try and blame other people/justify your actions/garner sympathy. women like you are doing other women a serious disservice. 

  • You've learned from it. The crappy feeling will go away and you probably won't let it happen again. That crappy feeling is because you know your better than that and it was a damage to your self-worth. You now know you should not sleep with a guy who has to manipulate and lie to you to get to sleep with you. We all make mistakes and it's what makes us stronger.

  • I usually feel guilty after a hook up, which is why I don't do it. Because I haven't had a lot of sex, and I've never had meaningful sex, I have this thought in my mind that I want my next time to be AMAZING. Which is why I feel guilty when I have sex with someone I don't really care for, because I feel like I'm letting myself down because I'm breaking that promise.As for how to stop feeling guilty, just stop. There's no magic ritual you need to do before it can happen, you just need to stop beating yourself up about it. You're an adult who got yourself in a situation and now it's over and done with and it's either a good experience or a mistake that you learn from. It does sound like you place some blame in him, and you have to nip that in the bud right away. He was a guy following his dick, and guys do that all the time, so while it may make you feel better to place the blame on him, I promise you this is a great recipe for future distrust toward men.I think you probably feel like you disrespected yourself, and you need to understand that it isn't so. You listened to your body's most carnal, instinctual need that night, and that's ok. It happens. But next time, when you tell yourself no or are uncomfortable, remember that you can say no. It's ok. It's also ok to say yes, if that's what you really want. Sometimes a girl just needs to get laid, don't let anyone tell you differently.

  • I've been to Europe many times (I was born there) and European men LOVE meeting American women because we are known for our loose morals (sad but true).  Having experienced both cultures I can tell you that American women do things European women don't do that you may not even consider.  If we think a guy is hot for instance, we will hold eye contact with him for a second, and maybe even smile or say 'Hi'.  A European woman on the other hand is quick to look away and even blush if she's caught looking, she might even give the guy an angry look for being so bold as to look at her and catch her.  We appear forward, and we are coaxed into sexual situations very easily; probably much more easily than when we are being seduced by Italian speaking men!These ideals of us, your drinking, and probably your curiosity led you to have sex that night.  Okay, that Italian got a freebie from you.  And really, you got a freebie as well.  You didn't come away with a horrible STD.  You can beat yourself up about it, or you can chalk it up to experience and realize that if that behavior makes you feel bad that you won't put yourself in that situation again.In any case, one day you will be a very old lady sitting in your rocking chair with your blanket around you.  And you'll be have a little smile on your face thinking of the time in Italy a young man seduced you and that one time you lapsed and let yourself give in to pure sinful lust.  No life is complete without a few spicy memories, and really, being seduced in Italy is a rather nice one.

  • Good news, you never have to feel this way again. Now you know. And yeah, most of us don't do our best thinking after 18 hours of drinking

  • Take your insecurities to a guy and go hookup with him.Also, waiting for you to claim rape

  • I also think it's ridiculous blaming the guy. Even if he lied about the club he still didn't force you or trick you into the sex. If you were drunk ten you were drunk and had clouded judgement but that's not his fault. Even if he pressured you (which it doesn't sound like he did) you're still an adult. Neither of you signed any papers before jumping in bed (or whatever surface) so he didn't owe you anything after, and vice versa. Let's not start demonizing Giovinco like he was some predator bent on bedding an American whatever it took. 

  • So wait you had a feeling he wanted sex and agreed to go back to his place anyway? You were also drunk. Like...I understand that no means no and all that even if you say it during the act but there has to be a bit of...idk...common sense on your behalf? Like obviously you shouldn't go into a new country assuming every man you meet is after your goodies but...idk...I just can't find a whole lot of sympathy for you.

  • It wasn't your best decision, but it doesn't define your entire life. It's over and done with now, so move on. He didn't rape you and he didn't hurt you, you just feel bad because you didn't really want to do it but felt like you needed to. I've been there before once and it was my own fault for being so drunk and lettign it get to that stage. I however, have not done that again and never will because I learnt from it.

  • Yeah, you definitely could have been killed. Thank god you weren't though!Honestly, you made a mistake-but you need to be grateful that you are alive to tell the tale.Learn from this and move on. And honestly, don't worry about what he's telling his friends-you did an Italian dude. Props. To. You.I've met many women from Europe with summer Visas and they are CRAY. We can't be too different.

  • First I think maybe you need to identify where your shame is coming from. Is it because you had sex? Because you had sex with this guy in particular? Because you feel duped, or like you thought it meant more than it did in the end? There shouldn't be any shame in the fact that you had sex with him. You were hitting it off, he was hot, add some alcohol, PRESTO! One night stand. It happens. It's sex. You're an adult (I assume), and it's not wrong. I'm sorry that you maybe thought there was more there, and he didn't. That's disappointing, but doesn't mean you were wrong or stupid or slutty or anything of the sort. If you never see him or his friends again, does it really matter what he says to them about you? Kinda seems like he's a jerk anyway (the lying to you about the club thing, especially sticks out). Who cares what he and his friends think.? Go tell your friends about how you nailed the hot Italian dude. Score! And if you want, tell them he was drunk and bad at it. "Lulz-and-tiny-dick-jokes!"If it's going to bother you, maybe you should try to avoid situations like this in the future, but I would try to not feel too bad about this one. Call it an interesting life experience, thank the universe that it was one with no permanant or negative consequences, and keep trucking. Easier said than done, I'm sure, but the best thing I think you can do at this point is shrug it off.

  • "I ended up feeling like shit now and it seems that I always feel this way after a hookup..."  Stop hooking up.  Problem solved.  

  • @roxyblondeana@xanga - beautifully said

  • Americans are loose. It is an unfortunate (or empowering [Depending on where you stand on stuff like that]) part of our cultural identity. And yeah, we tend to do crazier things than foreigners. I can attest.

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