August 2, 2013
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How Long Should You Wait to Drop the "L" Word?
We told my dad we were going downstairs to watch a movie, eat snacks, be innocent. 30 Days of Night became background noise to our make out session, the light from the TV screen illuminating lip lock and longing. Mercedes stopped for a moment and pulled away, looked down at me, and I heard her say, “I love you.” The “L” word was out.This steamy make out sesh happened about 2 months after we started dating, and it marked the first time we verbally said “I love you.” Before this, we had only written it in high-school hallway notes and hinted at it during drunken conversations. When Mercedes said it, though, it felt so different. Those three little syllables literally took my breath away, and I needed a moment before I could return the phrase.
Even though the “L” word was dropped in the heat of the moment, we both meant it. I knew that I was in love with her before this night, but I didn’t want to be the one to say it first. Saying “I love you,” especially for the first time, and especially if the other person has never said it, can be pretty terrifying. You don’t know if they’re going to say it back. Hell, you don’t even know if they love you back. So, how long should you wait until you release the words into the world?
I don’t think there is a specific, formulaic, or easy answer to this question. Some people fall in love at first sight (though this has never really happened to me), and others take months or even years to fall in love. Some will be afraid to say it first (like me), and will thus hesitate. Others won’t be so scared, and will express their true feelings even if those feelings are not returned.
A general rule, I think, is to say it when you truly feel it and mean it, and you think the other person might feel the same way. (If they don’t, they might get scared away or at least feel awkward. But again, if you’re bold and brave, power to you.) I must admit, I do get a little annoyed when I see a brand new couple (we’re talking days) exchanging the phrase right away on social media or something. I can’t help but to doubt their “love.” Then again, I know nothing about the intricacies and complexities of their relationship. Maybe I shouldn’t judge.
Now, almost five years after we made out to the gruesome sounds of vampires annihilating Alaskan townspeople, Mercedes and I drop the “L” word frequently. We say it when we part ways, when we go to sleep, and when we’re just lounging around binge watching a show on Netflix. Sticking with the general rule, I say it when I feel it – I don’t want the “L” word to become banal. After all, the “L” word is nothing to take lightly.
How long do you think you should wait to drop the “L” word? In your relationships, how long have you waited, and who said it first? Have you ever told someone you loved them, but they didn’t say it back (or vice versa)? What happened?
Comments (16)
Gee I don't know, maybe until you legitimately love them.
@TheGuyYouD0ntKnow@xanga - some people have claimed to be "in love" after only three days of meeting someone...is that "love" legitimate?
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@haha - According to who? And that is not a legitimate use of the word legitimate.
The only relationship I feel confident in judging are the relationships that I personally share with other people. As far as others' relationships (outside of my own) and their use of the "L" word--to each their own. I don't consider it my place to question the initiation of and frequency at which they use the word love. Love in itself is a beautiful thing.My mother knew she loved me the moment I was born and even before that. So, technically--my mother knew and said she loved me before she actually met me, face-to-face. Does that make the word or the feeling invalid? I don't think so. So perhaps, then, it is possible that someone can know they love you as quickly as a few days or even a few hours after meeting you. I guess the real question in my mind is, for what reason does someone say they love you? What is the basis behind using the word? What are the actions that go with the word? Do the actions speak real love? *shrugs* I just don't know. I consider love a complex topic and subjective matter.
There shouldn't be any waiting. If you absolutely, without a doubt love that person...say it. I don't believe in waiting periods or games in relationships.
@haha - That was part of my point.
I think it happens differently for every relationship you're in. My ex-girlfriend and I exchanged i love you's after knowing each other and dating for maybe 3 months (long time these days though, it seems) but with an ex-boyfriend, we were only together a few weeks. i meant it both times i said it. each of those times i said it to the person face to face. with my current SO, i knew him for about four years (first time that one happened!) before we got into a relationship. we didn't really exchange i love you's, rather a confession of love? if that makes sense. i told him how i felt about him and our relationship, including that i was in love with him, and he did the same. initially it was online (we were long distance in the beginning) around 4-5 months into our relationship. the first time we said i love you in person was special of course, but i remember what we said to each other that day online much better.
my guy and i started dating around thanksgiving... by the time we were back for december break, i was the first to tell him that i loved him, but when I told him I said I wasn't expecting a response or anything, I just wanted to express my emotions. 3 years later, we're still here, working our jobs, living together, still in love and waiting for the next step.
Dunno if the waiting period is important or affects the quality of the relationship you're in. Though, my SO said 'I love you' quite haphazardly two or three months after we were 'officially' seeing each other. I allowed myself to say it a month or two after that... But i think we were both had it on the tip of our tongue earlier than that. After being with him for two years, I say 'I love you' all the time and rather randomly. I had asked him once if I say it too often, he says I do say 'I love you' a lot, but it's okay.
@TheGuyYouD0ntKnow@xanga - good, lol. yea, i just don't see how someone can be in true love with something when they haven't even said one word to a person. that's called infatuation and lust. can't genuinely love something until one gets to know a personality. love takes time to build. and when they start hanging out with a person more their initial thoughts might change.
@haha - "yea, i just don't see how someone can be in true love with something when they haven't even said one word to a person. that's called infatuation and lust."The claim that a person isn't truly in love (for any reason) is unfalsifiable.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - What if someone is constantly claiming that they in love with everyone? And then casually disregarding the last? The things you have said on the subject do not seem to justify being in love with a new person on a week to week basis.My brother had a friend who once said "I fall in love easily". My response to that was rather that she thinks that she is in love frequently.
@TheGuyYouD0ntKnow@xanga - "What if someone is constantly claiming that they['re] in love with everyone? And then casually disregarding the last?"Then you aren't obligated to value their love, but that doesn't make it any less "true" for that person.You can label it anything you want, but it's only for your own convenience seeing as love is entirely subjective. The only reason you would call it "untrue" is because you would avoid it. It would be like saying hallucinations aren't "real" to a person who is experiencing them. You have to understand that hallucinations do exist and that the person is really having them, so in that sense they are "real" (i.e. the person is not just making it up). Even if the CONTENT of their hallucination has no affect on the real world, that doesn't mean hallucinations aren't "real" in their own right.The point being that just because it isn't "real", that doesn't mean that person didn't see, smell, taste, touch, and in every way experience the feeling of being in love, even if they just met the person that day and broke up a week later. It does happen.I'm not saying it's wrong to have your own opinion, or that it's okay to love one person after another all the time (personally, I strongly feel it's wrong especially when people are hurt along the way), but it's possible that for another person, that represents their absolute highest capacity to love another human being. If they're giving it their all and still they go from one person to the next, I'd feel deeply sorry for them, but it's possible that their ability to love is just limited, as with any other person who isn't the best at everything.On a side note, whether a person "thinks" he/she is in love is extraneous to the fact.I hope you understand that I'm not justifying love that comes and goes in a week and leaves people hurt and confused or saying it's right. I'm sure it comes off as somewhat contradictory, but you have to kind of sympathize with the position that puts me in; just because I understand it that doesn't mean I agree with it. In-fact I find it absolutely wrong... but I've seen it before. What these people call love; the physical and emotional affection, the happiness and sadness, the pleasure and pain... it's indistinguishable from anything anyone else would call love. Just because a person dies when they're 10 years old, however brief, that doesn't mean they didn't experience life. Of course it's wrong and tragic, but it's still true and it still happens nonetheless.
@TheGuyYouD0ntKnow@xanga - I know where you're coming from because I've been there before. Saying it isn't "true love" for someone else is a form of denial. That someone can fall in love and be in true love so quickly and easily then for it to end so abruptly undermines your definition of love. You feel you have more to offer, that you would give it more effort, more time to grow, and that it would last longer...I've argued with a girl before about "true love" because I knew I would give myself to her completely and that I would never allow what we had to be a one-week fling. I found it insulting and hurtful that she would say what she had with someone else was "love" when that person was with so many people before her and already with someone else shortly after they broke up like he wouldn't have been missing out on a single God damn thing had they never wasted 2 years together. How can someone call that "love"? As hurtful, unfair, and wrong as it may be, that still doesn't mean it isn't true. For some people, that short-lived, impersonal affection centered completely around their own selfish fulfillment is "love".
"If you know you love that person, you just know" there's no way to explain how you would feel during that time... It's just a indescribable feeling, a strong connection between the 2 people.My man was the first one who said he loves me after a month before meeting the parents. "I love you and I'm proud to introduce you as the lady I love to my parents." This is when we spent everyday together. After work and weekends together.
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