August 3, 2013

  • Helping a Guy Best Friend Financially: Okay or Not?


    I've been close to this special guy friend of mine for 10 years now. I moved to a different country two years ago but we are still best friends. He always texts me first every day, but this is a completely one-sided love story. I like him, but he doesn’t feel the same for me. So yeah, I've loved this guy for 10 years now.

    He already graduated college and is just reviewing for their board exam. My best friend’s financial status is not that great. I want him to reach his dreams and I decided to help him financially until he passed the board exam. I send him money twice a month (as an allowance) and it doesn’t really bother me at all. What bothers me is that he’s thinking that he owes me a lot already and I feel like even if he doesn’t talk to me about it, he’s not comfortable that I am sending him money but he just has no other choice but to rely on me for now. 

    I mentioned that he texts me every day. Even before I started helping him financially, he was texting me every day. However, after I started helping him, I felt like he might just probably think that he’s obligated to talk to me every day because of that. If I’m not texting him, he will always ask me why I’m not. The thought that he really wanted to talk to me really makes me smile, but when I started to about him just feeling obligated to do so, it started to bother me.

    I really like him. I am still in love with my best friend, but I totally accepted the fact that he won’t like me. I am trying to help him reach his dreams, but I feel like I am totally pushing him away. I mean, if there was no chance for him to like me before, then right now, I am totally throwing away any little chance that he would like me in the future. (Does that make sense?) Pride is important for guys, and it’s kinda hard for guys to like girls who are more financially stable, right?

    How can I make him feel that it’s totally fine with me that I'm helping him, and I'm not just doing it because I like him? Or what are your thoughts about this? I am not really sure what to ask, actually. I know that he thinks I don’t like him already… I told him.

    Thanks for any reply!

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Comments (12)

  • Do what you like, but of course  you are unconsciously encouraging him to be dependent on you and to be in a strange relationship with you...Surely he can get some kind of job to support himself. I'd put an end to 'helping' him financially. Set an end date..like in 1-2 months so he can start looking for a job. The $$ you are sending him is like a rope around his neck...it is uncomfortably tight. Sounds like the $$ is one way you can 'hold on to him'. That is a bit twisted. Like you said, you've been lusting after this guy for 10 years and he is not encouraging you. Find someone new..You've pined away for TEN years..Move on and cut your ties to him permanently !!!End the financial support and start looking around for a new person in your life. Find someone who will love you as you deserve to be love and respected. This tale is so sad...especially for YOU. You deserve better. I'm sure you know that.Cut this crap..now. 

  • @greatredwoman@xanga - i wholeheartedly agree with that.  i don't think its a good idea simply because you're in love with him and its unrequited. of course I would never lend money to anyone except maybe immediate family. good luck 

  • NO. Just, no. Sorry, but what on earth are you thinking...

  • You like him but you told him you DON'T like him? Am I reading that properly? If he needs the money and is accepting it and you can afford it, well, no harm no foul. He's a grown up, he could say no. Is there potential for this to get all kinds of complicated, yup, but if that is a risk you are both willing to take...If he is your best friend, no matter you saying you don't like him, he can most likely tell you do, but you can both pretend and that might work for you.Every relationship, romantic or otherwise has it's unique arrangement. What might be craziness for others might work out for you and him. No telling where it will go. It is a bit tricky about the financial situation being totally open ended. If he gets with another woman will you want to stop his allowance?

  • You decided to help him?  Does that mean that you didn't even make sure he was okay with it beforehand; that you just send him money regardless of whether or not he's comfortable with it?  In that case, no.  It's not okay.  Also, "Pride is important for guys, and it’s kinda hard for guys to like girls who are more financially stable, right?"  Way to perpetuate the outdated men-are-the-breadwinners role.  Pride is important for nearly everyone, and money is a delicate area for a lot of people, not just men.  Maybe it's hard for HIM to like YOU because you've been throwing yourself at him for ten years instead of acting like a reasonable person and moving on.

  • If you want to help him, then help him search for a job.  You just handing money like that isn't helping anyone.

  • I agree with Greatredwoman, only because in your post it said he's already graduated. He's reviewing for his exam which I'm sure is stressful but should mean he has more time now than he did when he was actively taking classes. I also agree with other commenters saying to help him find a job. Even if it's temp work, seasonal, whatever until he finds something permanent. You're uncomfortable with how he feels about it, and he's uncomfortable with taking your money...so this could be a good inbetween. You'll also find out the answer to your question. Does he talk to you for the money or for the friendship and gratitude for the help you've given him?

  • I'm sure there is a lot more to this story than just the money. But at the same time, I can't help but think that it's just strange that someone (Even if he/she were my best friend) would give me an allowance if they weren't my family. It's... almost humiliating. Did you arrange this with him, or do you just say 'Hey, here's a hundred bucks.'?On the topics at hand:1) 'best friends': How do you classify him as a best friend? Is it because you're in love with him for the last ten years but are not dating him? Does he return favors or support to you that is non-monetary in origin? When you text, do you and he share secrets... meaning, does he tell you his? Because depending on the way you perceive your relationship with him-- maybe he doesn't even perceive you as a close friend. if that's the case, then the money will only make him even more uncomfortable around you. If he does, then maybe he is worried he won't be able to pay you back.2) 'obligations to text': Just out of curiosity, you mean you sense he's feeling obligated to entertain you in conversations? or that you're worried he's only texting you because you are giving him money? IMO, if he's instigating conversations-- then you aren't nothing to him and he still sees you as a part of his life. Good or bad... not sure from this entry alone.3) 'It's a pride thing': My SO is proud too. In fact, he goes around very proudly announcing to everyone that I earn more than him.... Old Fashion men are so out dated.  I wouldn't use your financial success as an excuse for his dis-interest in you. If he doesn't like you in a romantic way, it wouldn't be because you earn more money than him. And if it is, then you don't deserve him anyway.4) good luck with your arrangment though. its tough loving someone who is not interested in loving you back.

  • make sure he pays you back and that he is not using you....you should make it clear to him that these are loans and that you are going to expect him to pay you back...if you don't he might take the money and run.

  • if he is a decent, honest man you have no problem but if he is a scoundrel ...like so many people are...he will stick up youer ass...hurt your feelings.....and take advantage of you without thinking twice about it.

  • Money complicates most relationships, be it friendship or romantic in nature.  If I needed money desperately and a friend I knew who had feelings for me that I didn't returned offered to help me, I would setup an agreement for me to pay every cent back so that it doesn't make me obligated to reciprocate her love for me.  Of course, that's not to say that I wouldn't be immensely grateful for the help.  We can all use a helping hand but that's no excuse to mooch off other's generosity.

  • I don't know about anyone else, but I would feel extremely uncomfortable if someone was financially supporting me who is not my immediate family.  It just makes me feel like I owe them something and feel obligated to maintain a relationship with them just like how he is feeling like right now.  If he didn't agree to your financial assisting then stop.  He's a grown man, he can find a job to support himself.  If he did and it works for you guys (despite all the complications/risks involved), I guess so, but I wouldn't do it.

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