August 5, 2013
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Do I Spoil Guys?
This might sound odd, but my friend Dana* thinks she's too nice to guys. She thinks she spoils them. The kind of guy she is immediately drawn to is not necessarily the typical All-American guy. Instead, he is sweet, shy, and maybe even a little self-conscious.
The type of appeal that "assholes" or the "bad guys" have on other girls is completely lost on Dana. She likes her guys to be much more reserved and humble. Dana is the type of girl who loves to give compliments and make others feel good. For reasons she cannot entirely explain, she loves to pamper most everyone she comes in contact with—especially when it comes to guys she is interested in.
She enjoys boosting their confidence level and treating guys she likes like kings. At first this type of dynamic between Dana and a guy works. The guy is usually caught off-guard by all compliments and praise at first. He'll accept Dana's affections with coy grace (if he accepts them at all) which Dana loves. She enjoys a humble and shy guy.
However, soon the compliments start going to the guy's head. What starts as gracious acceptance of praise will turn into an expectation. He is no longer shy or humble; he turns into the same type of cocky guy that Dana avoids. Dana realizes she might be partially to blame for these guys' transformations. She has admitted to laying compliments on quite thick when she likes a guy (even though the compliments are sincere). She simply does not know what to do other than completely changing her entire dating style.
Should Dana stop complimenting the guys she likes? Or should she keep doing what she's doing in hopes of finding a guy who wont let her praise go to his head? Have you ever dated someone who seemed humble and then watched as they changed their ways?
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Comments (9)
To be a butt and answer the questions with another question... Why is it her fault if someone can't take compliments properly?
@B2yan_C@xanga - Because of an underlying guilt that naturally comes with not taking responsibility for the happiness of a person she also takes the liberty of training.It's the same mentality that if you give a dog a treat all the time for no reason eventually he's not going to do what you tell him to. Because, you know, women aren't capable of being underhandedly controlling.
I tend to agree, IF, and this is a big IF she is ONLY giving these compliments to control the man, than even if she's saying things she is sincerely believing are things worth complimenting him for, than she's not doing things in her best interest. That's not to say she wants to control him even for the wrong reasons. Reasons like she's afraid of men, so she wants to control him would be bad, because if that's the case than she needs to not date for a while and find a man who is going to treat her with love and respect. But if she's trying to control him out of latent control freak issues, than who am I to judge? I'm certainly way too much of a control freak to judge. However. Even I KNOW not to control a boy using compliments. Because it's a man's individuality and opinions and his beautiful intellect that enrich your life as a wife, or girlfriend, or even in platonic same sex friendships where you overcompliment a girl you respect it can get ridiculous. I think if these guys are getting all cocky, it may be they are afraid of losing whatever mojo they have that got them the compliment, and this wisdom comes from my grandma. So, it's probably true, that their cockiness is a phase. When they realize they aren't going to chump out and look like a loser after being built up on a pedastool in her eyes, and she can wait out the phase of the cockiness, than it should be Groovy.
Wow... I think I might have the same problem. I guess I try to build up their confidence, but keep them in check simultaneously. And I lead by example. I am confident and accept any compliment given to me, because I KNOW they are true. But I also don't act like I'm better than anyone. And I stand up for myself when treated as less than equal. I try to spread the joy, and nip bad manners in the bud. I know I'm not everyone's mom, but growing up I felt like I was, so that's just how I've become.
You sure have a lot of friends. She should ease up a bit, especially at the beginning. Everything one does naturally and innocently might still produce negative results from many people. She should temper things a bit, if everyone she meets is changing then maybe she should change.
Dana should read up on codependency and see if she relates.
Is she complimenting them so that they will like her better... That will eventually come off as insincere no matter how sincere she is. Tell her to knock off the heavy compliments. Most men are more motivated by occasional, sincere compliments. Do you remember the pigeon experiments? They kept on trying when they were only rewarded some of the time... In fact, that made them want to try harder. It's amazing what you can learn from pigeons!
@greatredwoman@xanga - Let's cage a human being and give him/her food randomly without a schedule while giving no consideration to whether they're hungry or not and do so without even asking them. I'm not sure what you would find so amazing about it if they were trying everything they could think of to get on our good side because they don't know if or when they're ever going to eat again.
@greatredwoman@xanga - Maybe that's the fucked up part. They weren't procuring their food on their own like they would in nature, so they weren't being fed "randomly"... they were fed at the will of a scientist and they expected him to be merciful if they could only figure out what the hell it was he wanted them to do.The pigeons didn't teach anyone anything. All they did was suffer while humans took that as an opportunity to learn more about themselves, for themselves. Pigeons came out none the better for it.If you see a man as a soulless, inanimate object that doesn't realize that you are arbitrarily "rewarding" him when you choose to, then sure... you're "spoiling" him. If not, you'd worry about your own actions instead of trying to shape his reactions to what you see fit. If you want a puppet, I can tell you for certain there is no chance of you mentally or emotionally harming a sock... but of course, that's not nearly as enjoyable.
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