August 9, 2013
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I Put My Partner to the Test
A few months ago, my fiancée and I got into a pretty bad argument. I don’t remember what started it, but I do remember that I said a lot of things that I didn’t mean. I talked about what a breakup would mean for the two of us: what would happen with our apartment, our car? I didn’t really want to break up, but I did want Mercedes to react to the things I was saying. Without fully realizing it, I was testing her.When I mentioned the prospect of us breaking up, I wanted her to fight for our relationship. I wanted her to speak up, to call me out on the truly ridiculous things I was saying. Basically, I wanted her to show me that she cared about our relationship. Instead, she remained silent, allowing me to continue on my breakup rant. She was failing the test.
Unfortunately, my testing antics were nothing new. If you read My Dating Journey: Three Confessions and an Ultimatum, then you know that I kind of tested Nathan when I told him about making out with Mercedes. “I wanted him to get upset, to get pissed off, if for no other reason to validate that he cared about me and cared about our relationship.” I guess that’s why I do it. When I’m feeling insecure about my relationship (which tends to happen during fights), I like to be reassured that my partner cares. It could be something small like getting me out of bed when I’m in a bad mood, or it could be something dramatic like handling a breakup rant.
Back to the scene. After listening to my rant for minutes on end, Mercedes got up from our bed, locked herself in the bathroom, and started crying. I went to the door to tell her that I didn’t mean the things I said, and I admitted to testing her, but the damage had already been done. I wanted her to react. And this was her reaction.
Mercedes basically told me, and rightfully so, that testing her is fucked up. Why should she have to prove herself to me? Isn’t she already doing that by being a great partner and making me happy? Testing Mercedes really, really upsets her, and I never set out to do that. During this fight, I realized that testing people is manipulative, hurtful, and arguably a little evil. I wish I would have realized it sooner. I’m glad to report, though, that I haven’t tested her since, and I never intend to do so again.
Have you ever tested a partner, or vice versa? What happened? Why do you think some people test their partners? Is there ever a good outcome?
Comments (18)
...I feel like you subconsciously want your life to be a real time soap opera from all the posts I've read by you
No. If anyone ever tested me like that I'd tell him he could keep whatever he wanted, that I wouldn't miss him, and I'll find someone to hook up with at Wal*Mart.
@nepenthium@xanga - lol strong this.you should get your emotions in check because you sound like a dramaqueen.. At least after shitting in your fiance's heart and breaking her down, you came to a realisation that it was wrong. I dear hope you made it up to her and did some good scissoring action or slurped her vagina dry after pulling that stunt on her.
Yeah, these shit tests that were designed for men don't really work on women all too well.
@nepenthium@xanga - Datingish has been really shitty as of late. For the past 3-4 months at least, they've only been posting shitty articles from the same four people who write on here because nothing they write can make it past the editors of Cosmo.
Interesting how judgmental ppl can get, they must be perfect? I respect that you acknowledge your mistakes and have learned from them. I have also been there. Testing ppl to get their reactions, to see if they want to make this relationship work, to fight for me. That was when I was young and maybe selfish. I have been fortunate enough to have loved and to have been loved. It has taught me a few things... be pure expressing your emotions, words, and actions. If it doesn't work out... at least you did your best and at all times you were true. At that point you cannot blame yourself as you did everything in your power to love them as best as you could, therefore have no regrets. I also believe sadness of a loved one brings you pain, and their happiness brings you joy. So it would be in your best interest not to harm them in any way shape or form. If a person feels this statement is true, I want to say they have felt true love.
well...i've been in both positions unconsciously. i felt like i was always being tested in the beginning of my last relationship and then towards the end of it i was doing the testing...being tested wasn't the best feeling. it was always having to prove yourself to someone you know you've committed yourself to is tiring. i mean i always passed but it got to the point where i was asking "did i pass another test?" towards the end where i was doing the testing was when i felt insecure about where the relationship was going or how it was progressing. i went on the break up rant - BUT it was after he started it. i really wanted him to stand up for our relationship but let's just say we broke up the week or so afterwards. sigh...i honestly thought he was the one for me too. =
In all the time I spent contemplating a solution to your situation, I've decided that the best possible course of action is to go up to your SO, give him/her a hug and tell them you love them. Because wouldn't that be incredible if he/she just happened to be feeling the same way and all it took was that little reassurance to make their day that much better? It's natural (and largely beneficial to everyone) to put our own feelings first when it seems everyone else is doing okay. I'm not saying you're selfish, just that this might be something you haven't thought about before because your worries may at times be a vicious cycle and you don't want your SO to accidentally open up Pandora's box by asking you what's wrong when you know it's irrational and insignificant but you can't help it. However misguided, "testing" how a person reacts to how you feel is forgivable because you always had their best interest at heart, but if it bothers them, I would suggest working together to come up with a better way to handle something like that in the future.The feelings you've described aren't as uncommon as you'd think. Some people just repress them better than others, but it shows in other areas of their life.
So you felt like it was ok to threaten the woman you love with a break up because you wanted her to "prove" she loves you? Aren't you already engaged? Don't you already know she loves you? How did you NOT know "testing" people is manipulative and wrong? Do you rely on high school dramas for your moral compass? Cause that shit doesn't happen as often in real life, and it never ends well.What the fuck is wrong with you?
no i never did test anyone because i knew from the beginning that all of my relationships were pretty flimsy with the exception of the one I am in now.
I hate games. Tests are no better.... I've not tested my current SO. and I count 'trying to get my ex to sleep with me' as a test, other than that I would never say anything hurtful to someone that I cared about in order to find out if they cared about me.
I'm gonna take a different stance here and say talking about these things aren't testing your partner if communicated in an effective manner. Now, it sounds like you were firing questions at her with the intent to hurt her (no matter how else you want it come across) and that's not testing someone, that's lashing out at them. I've talked about all of these topics with my SO and we've been very mature about it. Although we're planning to get married and stay married, we know that there are sometimes reasons for divorce, and are talking about "what ifs" before they happen. We want to make sure that we're doing our best to be prepared for the worst while still expecting and working towards the best. Now, have I done what you did to a partner? Yes. It is shitty and manipulative but I've done it. Needless to say, we lasted 3 1/2 years and broke up on horrible terms. I haven't done it since then because I realize that it didn't help me in my previous relationship and it won't help me now or in the future.
Testing is a sign of insecurity/immaturity, and they way you did it tends to result in it backfiring.You are lucky Mercedes didn't decide to take you up on your offer. Even now, you've damaged the trust bond you shared with your testing antics. She's not likely to soon forget how you played with her emotions. Someone she loves hurt her - that's a good way to lose her."I realized that testing people is manipulative, hurtful, and arguably a little evil. I wish I would have realized it sooner."Too bad you had to be told in order to realize it. There's another test technique that's more effective - try being direct and honest and tell the person you're feeling insecure, and talk about that instead of acting badly and looking for a certain response.
@Chibi_Son_Gokou@xanga - "Yeah, these shit tests that were designed for men don't really work on women all too well."Ha, says who? Many guys don't have time for crazy little girls and their games. Say something to stupid and that might be it, it's easy for guys to turn around and not look back. It's incredibly annoying when women feel like their guy has to prove himself over and over. It's very immature.
yeah that is incredibly fucked up of you to do that, because instead of fucking with her head like that, you could have just simply asked her if she still cared about you, and said that you wanted to feel that she still cared about you. would've gotten the job done without sending someone you claim to love through a mind fuck like that.
My friend tested me. She said I failed but wanted to still be friends. And I chose to walk away from her. My boyfriend and I had a serious talk about taking a break. He never tested me and we are fine today. If he tested me like my friend did, I would have felt like your fiance. And more than likely I would have taken that chance to get away from him.I don't like being fucked with.
I will be honest in saying that relationship tests are not fun, not fair, and can be very hurtful. But I will say that each and every person in the world is guilty of some form of testing relationships. Whether that's in romance, friendship, familial, etc. We all do it in one way or another, because we seek that affirmation that we are loved, needed, wanted, thought of, cared for, etc. Most people would never be willing to admit this about themselves; this may be the case because they wouldn't recognize their behavior as "testing". Tests can be as subtle as someone saying I love you, expecting to hear it back from the other person, and determining their position or attitude on that relationship based on their response/lack thereof. People do it every day. It's a natural human need to seek affirmation. That being said; the more subtle forms are testing may not be as harmful as more obvious tests such as this. When you make it very clear to the other person that they are being tested, it can lead them to believe you don't trust them and that can lead to resentment. It's unhealthy. People are impulsive by nature sometimes. We say things we don't mean and sometimes we say real cruddy stuff we Do mean, in the heat of the moment. While your actions here may not have been the most healthy or fair to your partner--use this as a lesson. It appears you have, based on how you closed your journal entry. I guess the thing to take away from these experiences is not so much regret, guilt, etc (those are toxic and wasted emotions imo)....rather, take away the lesson the situation bears. Learn from it and make healthier, more productive actions in the future. Best of luck in the future
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feel like you subconsciously want your life to be a real time soap opera from all the posts I've read by you seal tags
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