August 9, 2013

  • We Would Be the Best Girlfriends, and For That We're Single


    Last night, I was speaking with my friend, Susan*, and her mom as we baked cookies. We were chatting about the select few couples that are still going strong from our high school days. We got to one specific couple that my friend claimed was always fighting. She said the main problem was that the girl was quite high maintenance. However, I mentioned that this girl had always been high maintenance, and her boyfriend knew that from the beginning.

    I realized it seemed as though the more demanding, high maintenance girls were the ones in relationships. I told Susan and her mother that I would feel ridiculous asking a guy to take me shopping or to rub my feet or basically to do anything at all. Yet, it seems like that is what half of the relationships I see are. People my age (and younger) seem to like to act out dramatic relationships where they completely rely on each other for everything. Susan agreed claiming that she would never tell a guy what to do. She said she knew so many down-to-earth girls who would never be so demanding. She sighed, "We would be the best girlfriends, and for that we will be single for the rest of our lives."

    I laughed at Susan's comment, but even Susan's mother said there was a grain of truth in the matter. My freshman year of college, I mentioned to a guy I had been "talking to" that I needed to pay my phone bill when I got home. He asked me if I wanted him to take care of it that month. At first, I didn't even know what he was offering to "take care of." I would never expect a guy I was seeing to pay for anything like that for me. When I gave him an odd look and declined his offer, he said that it was normal for him to "take care" of his girlfriends like that. It was just what people did. (Last summer, I worked with a girl younger than me whose boyfriend paid her rent and for her car.)

    While Susan and I think it is just strange that girls feel the entitlement to ask for favors such as that, these guys are still asking them to be their girlfriends (and complying with their wishes).

    Do you think it is okay for young people in relationships to be so reliant on each other? Why is it that the demanding girls seem to get the boyfriends? Or is this not usually the case?  

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Comments (12)

  • It's not "entitlement" to ask your boyfriend to pay a bill for you - it's entitlement to expect him to and to get pissed at him for not paying your bill.A relationship is all about giving and taking. My female best friend pays for everything in our friendship because she's better off financially than I am. I give by driving us everywhere and in other ways I'd rather not discuss.My boyfriends usually pay for everything in the relationship, and I usually clean and cook for us. That's usually how I know I like a guy - if I'm happy to clean for him. Plus it's a great excuse to go through his stuff. :)

  • I think it's an instinctual thing.It's my understanding that it hasn't been until recently that men have started to increasingly appreciate independent women. At the same time, women haven't been so independent throughout documented history, but that's not to say the actions of men didn't unintentionally cause or contribute to that, I'm just making an objective observation of the way things presently are. I personally have noticed this tendency in myself to have a response that is proportional to a woman's assertiveness, but it doesn't go in the other direction (if a woman is very shy, I tend to shy away for a concern that I might be imposing or making her uncomfortable). At the same time I'm not a machine; at the higher end of the spectrum, I have the urge to annoy a woman who is overly assertive to the point of being arrogant and domineering. Of course, because that's just a natural inclination and I realize it's not my responsibility to "train" a person, I've gotten better at controlling myself and haven't done that since high school. If you are naturally turned off by a man's neediness and you find it perfectly justifiable because that's just the way you feel, well, in my experience women who think this way are more likely to use their traits manipulatively because they don't realize they're doing it. The underlying mentality is that it's just natural. Eh... as you would probably guess, I don't find that to be a universal justification for an action.

  • I think "okay" is not the right word. It's not okay, and it's not NOT okay. Obviously they're together and making it work, so who cares?I do dislike girl who date guys solely to get things. Gold diggers and such. Women who would rather just be taken care of, as opposed to taking care of themselves. I don't see that as a fulfilling life, since they can never be single. Always relying on a man.That being said. If you're in a serious relationship, bills will go back and forth. If one of you needs help the other will of course step in to take care of things. That's a relationship. My boyfriend bought me a car. I told him not to, and that he was being outrageous and ridiculous. But he did it anyway. Because I needed a car. Shit happens.

  • I started dating my husband my freshman year of high school (almost 9 years). He has NEVER "taken" me shopping, nor would I ever ask him to. I think he rubbed my feet maybe twice in our relationship, and only after a 13 hour day at work, and he OFFERED.  Is this the female version of the "nice guys finish last" rant? 

  • I'm pretty easy-going and independent, and I've spent less than a year total of my life in relationships. I don't really want to be taken care of. Yes, I like to know the guy has my back and I like him to know I've got his back, too, but I would feel really weird asking for financial help from a guy, and I wouldn't ask him to go shopping with me (I don't like shopping with other people). I'm pretty low-maintenance. 

  • Beats me. I lucked out. I'm a girl like that, but I got a decent guy. If you'll notice, the girls in relationships like that don't normally have GOOD relationships. The trick is to let your confidence show & ask for what you want, but be willing to be negotiable. To allow your guy to let you shine, and to help him shine in his own way. Those are the relationships that I see that are lasting and enjoyable for the people in them.Guys tend to like to prove something. Typically they end up with girls like that because they're trying to prove something. :) Keep waiting for a decent guy to show. Then may you each live to prove your love towards each other until the day you die. :) Good luck!!

  • I'm very curious to hear how old you are. Just because you reference your age so many times. What you're talking about, paying bills and forcing guys to take you shopping all the time, etc. is obviously too much and to tell you the truth, I don't think happens that often. When it's so much like that, the relationship doesn't last. The girls I know who are like that get a lot of boyfriends, but that's just it. It doesn't last long. I also think that once you're in a relationship, there has to be a little give and take. When you don't ask your boyfriend for anything at all, or to do anything that he may not like, he is never going to do those things. Sometimes unless you ask, he is never going to go shopping with you and find out it's not that bad (possibly) or try anything that you like and again, discover it's not that bad. It also has made me feel shitty in the past when you're with a guy for a long time and because you never asked him to step out of his comfort zone, you think about how he never wants to do anything with you. He never put up with doing something you like because he doesn't care enough about you to bite the bullet and try something. And sometimes, it's not about that. It's that you need to tell him that you would appreciate it if he came shopping with you, or that he comes to the club with you, not all the time, but a guy who cares may still not offer because he doesn't realize how you feel. Just saying, when you attempt to find a happy medium with this, asking men to do things for you and with you is not a bad thing. 

  • I don't understand the "nice girls finish last" idea. My SO and I split bills pretty evenly, I do most of the cleaning and he prefers to do the cooking. We both help with yardwork. We both give each other foot rubs and massages. Even in previous relationships, there's always been give and take. I've never been completely taken advantage of or completely taken advantage of someone. When you're making a relationship work, as other posters have said, you aim to work together. I don't see what's holding you back from relationships, but it's certainly not that you're "nice unfortunate girls" - because there's plenty of nice girls in committed relationships with other nice guys. 

  • My guess is sometimes people WANT to give, and love being asked for favors. It shows they are needed, and gives them a reason to assume they can ask for things too, without getting a guilt trip.I am sorry, but reading this I wouldn't exactly trust you as a friend or as a girlfriend. If asking for a foot-massage equals entitlement for you, I can as well be on my own. That's not to say it's not 'ok', it's just to explain MY personal preferance. I like guys who can say what they want, and are able to say 'no', and want to be able to ask for help and have my own no's accepted.While some say a relationship is about giving and taking, I think it is more about trust. When it gets serious, it should stand above money and little efforts. One SHOULD assert themselves ....that's to say say what they want and be able to say no, but this should happen because it is how they really feel, not because some dating-strategy or 'expert' says so. What's wrong with a rich guy paying an ordinary girl's bills? Nothing, I say. One of two people with equal income carrying all the burden?..well that would make me wonder. Still, I don't want a relationship where I have to keep a log book of who has done which favor. I think in fact most relationships work like that...without too much thinking about these things, and adressing problems when they get painful. The roles can shift with the circumstances, and you never know everything anyway.Only sad that some jealous outsiders always shame them, by calling partners abusive domineering pricks/ entitled bitches and will-less submissive dogs/poor victims, often without even having a clue what drives them. (I've been called both, and found both pretty hurtful.)

  • My sister worked in a major chain bakery. They had this great little bread, it was one of the cheaper things on the menu. sold poorly. They doubled the price and it became a top seller. True story.I'm middle aged and I have also witnessed that high maintenance girls not only get the guy, but they get the stuff they demand as well. Huh?I've foolishly prided myself on being low maintenance. I figured that if I carried my own weight, then when I needed to rely on him he'll be cool with that. NOT TRUE. All it has taught my men is that they don't have to do much to keep me hanging around. And when I ask for or need something, they don't take it seriously, after all I'm the go to gal, the good sport, the one who never needs anything. this is on me because I chose the men and set the dynamics up. But there it is. Guys who don't want to give much fall for gals like me. Guys who like the challenge and the pride they feel when they manage to make her happy, go for the high maintenance types.

  • guys are idiots...none of us know what the hell we are doing especially when we are healthy teenagers.@ccccourage@xanga - your being to hard on yourself.

  • I pride myself on being low maitenance and so does my girlfriem=nd and after 15 years we are still going strong...you just have to remember none of it goes with you when you die.

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