August 10, 2013
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Should You Ever Settle?
To “settle” is to accept something less than what you want or think you deserve. (The word means a whole bunch of other things too, but for the purposes of this post, let’s just go with that definition.) Someone might agree to have a less-than-ideal car or apartment, or perhaps a less-than-ideal job. But should you ever agree to have a less-than-ideal partner? Should you ever settle when it comes to relationships?I’ve personally never settled for a partner, but I guess I can see why someone would. Let’s say there’s this person named Taylor (a wonderful unisex name) in your life, and Taylor really, really likes you. And though Taylor is attractive, funny, and seems to be a pretty decent human being, there’s nothing really special about Taylor. You don’t get butterflies when the two of you hang out, you can’t really imagine a future with Taylor, and you don’t necessarily want to be with Taylor. That’s a no-brainer then, right? Don’t get into a relationship with Taylor, right?
Let’s add loneliness to the mix. You’ve been single for what you consider to be far too long, and Taylor is at least better than some of your other options. You ask yourself, “Why not settle for Taylor and at least have someone?” Before you know it, the two of you become a couple.
Though this scenario is far from being torturous, it’s also far from being ideal. I can understand that some people would go to great lengths to combat loneliness, but by settling, you’d basically be dating a placeholder. (And what if they ever found out that you were just settling for them?) Moreover, if you were in such a relationship, you’d probably always be on the lookout for the next best thing – and that wouldn’t be fair to dear, dear Taylor.
Again, since I’ve never experienced this myself, I can’t speak much about the breadth and depth of decisions that go into settling. Maybe some of you can fill in those gaps.
Should you ever settle for a partner? Have you ever, or do you know someone who has? How did it work out? Why do you think a person would choose to settle?
Comments (12)
I'm not settling. I've done that before and it wasn't worth it. I'd rather be alone than with something less than what I deserve. There's no single guy that has everything I'm looking for and I'd be settling regardless if I find the next best thing. There is only one person for me and he's too afraid to admit to it. Even his own freaking father told me to hang out with his son on his page. I've never seen him talk like that to his other girl friends who would try and flirt with his son. His dad can totally see we have something and is encouraging it...this was when we were friends online but now we aren't talking anymore because he doesn't want to admit to it and pretends like I don't exist. It's complicated.Just the way he talks to me is so different than he talking to any other girl on his page. He has this giggly tone with me on there and clearly everyone can even see it online that's on his friend's page now they're probably wondering where I've gone because we used to comment on each other's pages a lot. I said to people at work the next best thing is already taken and I never get who I want. A friend says, "you're going to have to settle some time." I said, "Nah, I'm going to be a lone dog lady if I can't have who I want." The people I end up settling for treat me like dirt and I'm not going to put up with that when they don't deserve the chances in the first place.
http://m5.paperblog.com/i/23/230857/dont-turn-into-the-crypt-keeper-waiting-on-th-L-umZ0bH.jpeg
I'd rather be alone than partnered with someone I didn't want to be with with all my heart. I realize that no one I meet is going to be the perfect partner, because I can't offer perfection, either. But I think when I've found that person, I'll know. Maybe not right away, but if I don't desire to be with that person with every part of my being, I'm not marrying them.Dating is another story, since that's part of getting to know people. But I wouldn't become exclusive with someone unless I really felt like they were the only one I wanted to be with then, and I wouldn't marry someone unless I really felt like they were the only one I wanted to be with forever.
Settling is a bad idea. For any reason and anyone. It just leads to dissatisfaction and regrets and longing. I don't recommend it...
I have never been in a relationship before, even though I could have settled for a couple of girls I did not like who liked me. It does really suck to be so lonely, but at the same time, I want even less to be committed to someone to whom I do not feel attracted. I am very tired of being alone to a point at which a couple of people have told me I should consider settling, but I just plain don't want to do it. It's not fair to me, nor is it fair to the other person whose feelings I would never be able to return the way they need and deserve. I refuse to settle.
You would never want someone to take you as his girlfriend knowing that he was just settling. You are not his ideal, but you are nice. He feels no butterflies when he sees you and he sees you only as a friend. That would be the pits.No, I think you should seek your ideal knowing that no one person can be everything to you..You may get some of your needs met elsewhere...need for deep friendships with a close girlfriend, for example. Sharing your love of sci fi flicks with someone else, etc. Cuz usually it takes a village to meet all of your ideals..Keep looking..you just haven't found him yet.. and, oh yeah, I pray that you are his ideal, too. My spouse and I have been married for 35 years. He is actually much more than I ever envisioned when I married him. What a sweetie..Take your time finding 'the one'..He may not appear right away.
Many people don't deserve what they want, and many others don't want what they deserve.If your policy is that you will not wait around for a person, eventually you are bound to settle (example)."If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have on your hands is a nonworking cat." - Douglas AdamsTo accept someone based on their qualities is to deny that they are greater than the sum of their parts. If qualities are what you're looking for, acquire them yourself and appreciate them. One should want an individual (with a name, a person they actually know) before they want "someone". Otherwise, you're choosing based on loneliness and lust, and in my opinion that is settling.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nS246KKU5Dw"All I am is what you see, There is nothing more than the surface of me."A short poem I just made up:Some people just want someone, it doesn't matter who,If you are one of those people, someone is settling for you.
It's great how the same people who are like "If two people consent and that's what they want to do it's no one else's right to say they shouldn't." are the same ones who would say "You should never settle. That's unfair.".Yeah, well if two people are settling and that's what they want to do, the fuck is wrong with that? Who are you to say it's wrong?The vast majority of the time, just hooking up and one-night-stands are settling. Why do you think I'm so fucking opposed to it?
Like the people who say "What if a random hookup or one-night-stand results in a happy long-term relationship?".What if I enter a million-dollar drawing at a bank and rob it the next day, not knowing that I won? You think they'll call it even and say "Just keep it."?Yeah, it's easy to convince oneself it was fate or "meant to be", but we all know the truth. The person would've done it anyway and that is what makes it wrong. Even if it doesn't result in a relationship they'll still end up rationalizing it in some other way.It's the Law of Sluttial Infallibility. When all other arguments and justifications fail, you're allowed to do whatever you want so that makes it right.
"To “settle” is to accept something less than what you want or think you deserve"If this means that you'll dump the person the minute you get a shot at what you really want...then it's not fair to the other person. But sometimes what people refer to as settling, isn't really settling....as in they say they want to date Brad Pitt...but their real priority is to be in a relationship with someone who lives nearby and has a good job and loves boxing. So they end up with mr not quite Brad Pitt...but even so he has what they actually want and even if Brad Pitt comes to the door, they would say "sorry, taken"I also think there are people who miss out on a lot of what life has to offer because they are holding out for "better"...and sometimes that "better" is a fairy tale image sold to them by books, movies or a manipulative parent. I worked with a woman who taught her sons that women were trouble and they shouldn't get involved or married....that there is something BETTER for them...is they believe her they might miss out on some really nice things that life could have held in store for them.
you're gonna be lonely if you settle anyway - might as well just actually be alone.
If you feel like you are 'settling,' that will eventually come back and bite you in the buns, because you'll always be feeling like you are too good for your partner, and that will bleed into the relationship and ruin it. It will also be on the back of your mind constantly, and not allow you to enjoy life to the fullest, because you think you deserve better! And who can enjoy what they have if they think it could be traded for something better? You will most likely stray at the smallest temptations. It's just...not going to end well.
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