August 10, 2013
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The Possibility of Friends With Benefits?
I guess to start, I'm in a pretty weird position right now. I've never been involved in something so complicated like this.My boyfriend (if I can even call him that anymore) and I have been together for roughly 14 months. We've had many complications, fighting a lot and barely spending time together. As of late, things have hit rock bottom. We haven't kissed in three months, which is when we had this horrible fight on our 'one year' and nothing's been "perfect" since then. We haven't had sex since October-November, and he hasn't legit told me he loves me even further back than that. It's been a hell of a road, that's for sure.
A few days ago we had a talk where I ended up telling him EVERYTHING that's been bothering me for months on end. That didn't go so well because not only was it over AIM, but we bickered back and forth, and cursing wasn't out of the question, either. I really had hope in us, that we'd last for a long time, if not forever (because I don't believe in that).
Last night, though, I thought I was dreaming everything that happened. We ended up talking face-to-face, with him saying that at this point, we can either make or break the relationship, but it was leaning more towards breaking it because it's this horrible gut feeling of mine, and the fact that he says he doesn't even know what he wants. Next thing I knew, we were goofing around and then out of nowhere, had this insane makeout session. Then we had this talk about how if things don't work out with us relationship-wise, we'd still be really close friends.
He brought up how he regrets that our first time having sex was awful because of where it was and how it all went down, and as any guy does, he boasted about how awesome he is at it and wished he could've shown me. I told him not to rub it in my face at that moment cause of how things are between us... but then he told me it could still happen. He wants to do something two Saturdays from now for the whole night. Instantly, "one night stand" popped in my head. Granted, it would only be such a thing if we can't mend the relationship portion of us by then.
I brought up the idea of "friends with benefits" if things don't work relationship-wise. I've never even wanted to attempt a FWB because I'm one of those people that grow attached. But I've been lacking in the intimacy department for months on end, and he's the same way. We only have five months of college left together anyways, so if we do break up, why keep things boring?
Would this even be a good idea? I mean, I've been thinking "what if..." statements in my head constantly, one of them being that "what if" we do break up, but with the random hook-ups and private intimacy, would that make us reconnect again to want to be in a relationship with each other again? I've never had this happen before, as I've mentioned earlier, nor do I personally know anyone who's been in this boat. Usually once my relationships ended, it was just that—they were over and we attempted to remain friends and nothing more.
I know he's not using me JUST for sex and all that good stuff, because he wasn't even pressuring me on doing this in the first place. He told me if I don't want to, then that's that and we can continue being the best of friends like we were before we dated. So doing this wouldn't exactly be regretful to me; I'd only regret it if it was someone I didn't know or someone I'd expect to move on right after breaking up. But this guy's different... we still want to be a part of each other's lives. Sure, maybe I can't see "forever" with him anymore or daydream about us having kids and getting married one day, but he'll still be around, and he'll still be one of my best friends.
What do you guys think? Any similar stories to share on this? Should I still go along with this, or just remain as friends? If I do attempt this after we do end up breaking up, is there any possibility of us rekindling?
Comments (10)
How are you together if there is no sex and no kissing? It seems like you have nothing to lose having a fling with each other and seeing what happens after that.
Let me get this straight: You're in a relationship with a guy and things are rocky (really rocky), and now your options are a) break up and remain good friends or b) break up, remain good friends and continue having sex? All option b really does (in my mind) is make the 'relationship' less accountable and less restrictive. In my experience (and based on what I read in this post), this is an invitation for both of you to unintentionally (and intentionally) hurt each other. If you were older and more experienced, then its highly likely that you'd have already tried FWB and discovered on your own that it generally always ends in someone getting hurt. Repeat offenders (of this behavior) generally will discover that a) they like sexual freedom and begin to wonder what open relationships might be like or b) they get better at managing the guilt/sadness/frustration/disappointment associated with FWBs but all of those emotions remain. Your post leads me to believe that you're younger and less experienced, so I should encourage you to avoid a FWB relationship... but the older I get, the more I think lessons are better learned (and certainly more effective) via experience. So, my final recommendation: give it a shot but just be warned... you'll likely walk away from this one hurt and frustrated. But in the long run... it's probably a good life lesson.Best of luck. I hope you find what makes you happy.
"I'd only regret it if it was someone I didn't know or someone I'd expect to move on right after breaking up.""I'd" (meaning "I would") only regret it if it was someone I didn't know or someone I'd (meaning "I would") expect..."I love how you're saying it in the past tense, and yet this whole post sounds like it's a dilemma.To me, it's obvious you've already made up your mind and now you're just trying to find a way to justify it after you already decided, but before you actually do it.Someone once said to me, "Never underestimate a female's ability to rationalize anything they do.".So fucking true.
Of course, it takes one to know one. In order to slap you on the wrist for something so obscure, I must be able to relate. It's true... I'm guilty.Early in the morning (we're talking 4-5am in a very rural area) when there's no one else on the road for miles, I like to drive very, very fast. Often I use getting to work on time as an excuse in my mind, but I know I enjoy it. I smoke and I often rationalize it away because I feel guilty about it. But again, I only smoke outside and always make sure it's not blowing in anyone's direction.Females often do these things when it comes to relationships... when someone else's heart is on the line and there's a chance of someone else getting hurt if they fuck up. The difference is no one is in danger but me.
Go read the recent Datingish post of "Settling" because in a sense that is what this is.Thing about FWB is that it makes finding a new partner more difficult. If the new person finds out you are in a FWB situation, they may back off. If they find out, after the FWB has ended they may still back off. Or the "friend" might not like things ending and may do things to sabatoge new relationship.Or you might get in a new relationship, and the sex isn't stellar and so you decide to keep the FWB as a side line...after all they were there first, and that gets all kinds of messy. (ask me how I know)So I would suggest ending it, and moving forward totally free to find a new relationship that works.
I love it when more than half of the stories i've read online are women who have proposed the FWB and then when things start getting messy/out of hand, they get all upset about it.
A woman once told me she didn't do FWB's. That after she told me she once did. Then she corrected herself by saying she wouldn't do FWB with someone she loved. Which is weird because the first time we met after a long online "relationship" she reached over and ran her hand up and down my thigh as I was driving to Starbucks to talk. I wasn't in to sex at that moment because I wanted to clarify some online discrepancies. I guess what I'm saying is, sex isn't always the solution, but merely a panacea that disguises what is really wrong. And we never did end up having sex after all.
just friends = lol. plus sex = LAWLSON
I love it when more than half of the stories i've read online are women who have proposed the FWB and then when things start getting messy/out of hand, they get all upset about it.seal tags
"A few days ago we had a talk where I ended up telling himEVERYTHING that's been bothering me for months on end. That didn't go so well because not only was it over AIM, but we bickered back and forth, and cursing wasn't out of the question, either."1) why did you let everything that was bothering you build up for months without talking to him2) why did you ignore all those things that were bothering you yourself? 3) why did you then choose to talk about things over a text based communications system with no transparency, tonal inflection, or transparency4) Transparency was put twice for a reason. IF you cannot handle emotional transparency, then why are your clothes coming off at all? 5) There is a reason that your relationship isn't working out... and that is because it wont work out. 6) transparency.
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