August 12, 2013
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Boundaries: Too Close?
It seems like lately, all I do is argue with my boyfriend. We haven't been dating that long, and all my friends tell me I'm still in the honeymoon stage of the relationship, but lately, all he does is make me cry. There are many outside reasons as to why things have been more rough lately than usual, but last night's dispute was one I've become familiar with.Because our relationship is long-distance, and we're both busy college students with our own workloads to handle, we usually talk to each other once a day, at the end of the day, for about an hour or so to make sure we both get enough sleep to conquer the next day's work.
Last night, we had an opportunity to Skype with each other (most nights, we just talk on the phone). A couple of minutes into the conversation, I realized he was typing a lot so we weren't saying much to each other. It didn't bother me at first, but then when he told me who he was talking to, that sinking feeling in my gut started to set in. He was talking to a close girl friend of his, and she was asking him for advice about some problems she was having with other friends at school.
My boyfriend is very close to a girl back home. They've been pretty good friends for the last couple years or so. He and I have talked about this before, and he's reassured me several times that I have nothing to worry about. I'm not worried that he would cheat on me. But when I only get to talk to him once a day for about an hour, I would like to have his undivided attention. I would never ask my boyfriend to give up a friendship for his relationship, but I would like to know that I am a higher priority than she is. He tells me all the time I am, but his actions don't match up with his words.
Am I asking too much?
Comments (14)
Now that's just poor time management on his part.
If it gives you a bad feeling, call him out on it immediately.If he gets pissy and says he has a right to talk to whoever he wants, that's when you say "Not me." and dump his sorry ass before he develops a spoiled bitch complex.
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Maybe just say that to him, exactly what you've written here. You never want him to not be friends with her but for one hour a night can you please pay attention to me lol
You can always say to him "I can see your busy right now with ____; I'll let you go and we can talk another day." His actions will speak for themselves, he will put either the conversation with you or her on hold. If he consistently chooses her feelings over yours, then you need to have a discussion about his priorities and how they make you feel. If you're not comfortable with the result, it's probably time to walk away.
You have every right to tell him you want to be paid attention to for that one hour.
Love cannot be forced to continue..Holding on to it too tightly may crush it and he will go away. There is nothing you can do to make him love you or spend more time with you. There is nothing he can do to make you love him or spend more time with him. While certainly disappointing that he is talking to someone else while he is on skype with you, could this be a roundabout message that he is moving on??Could you split up and start looking for a boyfriend who lives within a couple of miles from you? Long distance relationships are not impossible to maintain, but are just so hard. Perhaps it's time to consider alternative plans..go to same college as each other, or break up and look for a partner closer to you in distance and interest and attentiveness. I calls it as I sees it. PS I kissed a lot of frogs before I met my prince 36 years ago. Finding someone who pays attention to you and is willing to talk...yeah, eager to talk to you is a good thing. Good luck to you. ChristyPS There is nothing wrong with you nor with him.. but perhaps you are simply not right for each other.
If his actions don't match up with his words, it's time for your to do some reevaluation on your relationship with him. But first, talk to him first and see what he has to say for himself and you can make your decision from there.
@greatredwoman@xanga - "Love cannot be forced to continue..."I disagree. That would be like saying "A nut can't be forced onto a bolt.". In almost every case, difficulty precedes force. If it does continue when forced, it almost certainly would've anyway.You're not a bolt or a nut. You have a conscious choice. If you would deliberately end a relationship because the person is forcing it, well, it was your decision that ended the relationship... not force.Even when love is seemingly natural and effortless, when it comes to kissing, holding hands, walking, sex, and everything in between, it requires at least one person exerting force for it to happen.In summation, even if it goes on gently and easily, you still forced the nut onto the bolt.If you think love shouldn't be forced, say it shouldn't. Or perhaps say "MY love cannot be forced.". To say that love itself cannot be forced is just plain false.
so, it does kind of suck that your BF was talking to a galpal while skyping with you. but let's be honest, with school and sleep and the 'one hour on the phone', you don't really have a lot of spare hours in the day to simply sit there and stare at your SO over the internet. When you're physically with someone, you can be doing other things while you talk to them, and yet you'll still be spending over an hour in their company without their undevided attention. When you put a specific scheduled hour aside, you will run into other interruption issues. Sometimes things come up at bad times. Sometimes you're not in the mood at the time to be chatty. Of course you have the right to demand he do nothing but pay attention to you. But you also run the risk of being a demanding girlfriend... people don't like demanding girlfriends most of the time.More than the issue of him not giving you his every inch of attention, I think is that he was chatting with a girl. This kind of insecurity in a LDR is toxic. You should work on that, and you should tell him that you feel less appreciated as a woman when he talks to this girl. Usually I would be for continuing LDRs despite communication problems. But you opened up saying that you and he were fighting a lot and that you don't sound like you're happy in this situation. I recommend you ponder the pros and cons of being with him and being in an LDR.
I'd be really hurt, and I would say, "Ok, I see you're busy. I'll let you talk to her, it seems important. Goodnight." If he cares enough about you he'll figure out something is wrong. If he cares more about getting back to his conversation with the other friend, well, you'll know where his priorities lie.
Have you flat out asked him to simply not talk to others while he's talking to you? To give you his undivided attention? Let him know that you understand he values his friendships. You support that. However, you also need to know that he values you. And one of the best ways for him to do that is to show you his undivided attention for the hour you guys get to talk once a day. Let him know that would put you at peace and make you feel secure in your relationship. You know? Be sure to clearly state all of this. Guys aren't mind readers AT ALL. So, simply state it like I just stated it. Leave nothing for him to grasp at or interpret.
Best wishes!!
@XXVl@xanga - Speaking as someone who cares much about people, that's not always a good judge of character and priorities. For example, what if that friend of his is having a suicidal moment and he is helping to talk her out of it? Is he wrong for saying "ok, talk to you later" to the girl who just offered him the chance to continue helping his friend? You can't draw limits like that. Simply clearly communicate the way you're feeling. Let him know that if it isn't something life altering like that, then he needs to tell her he'll get back to her in a bit. You know? It just tends to go better. That way, you're giving him the chance to be an amazing friend if needed, but yet you're also letting him know how important this decision is to you as well.
Be careful trying to judge someone's priorities. There's often so much more in the picture than what we can see outside of their heads. 
Trust me.
My guy friend and I are very, very close. We talk to each other about our relationship and other problems to get advices of what to do. During that time, we had thoughts about attractions we had for each other but never said anything out loud. We both had significant others in our lives.It's about when we both broke up with them and started hanging around each other a lot more, that's when we confronted each other of how it is. We're now together since 2010. A guy shouldn't make their girlfriends cry specially when the only communication is through via phone and Skype.. He should be happy and if he's not, he'll cause a problem, a reason for him to be angry and break up with you. My perspective anyways..
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