August 14, 2013
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He Says He Wants a Relationship, But It's Been Over a Month
I've never been a strong believer in relationships springing from hookups, but I met a guy around the end of January at a party and we did kiss that night, so I wasn't getting my hopes up. There was chemistry, he said that we should hang out sometime, and I gave him my number. He called me a day later to get together, and ever since then we've hung out about once a week (he initiates). He never texts me or Facebook chats me, so we usually go days without speaking, which is really weird for me because I'm used to getting bombarded by texts when a guy is interested in me.Naturally, a relationship usually progresses in some way, so at the end of February when we were still hanging out once a week, going days without saying a word to each other and feeling like I had hardly gotten to know him still (because of how rarely we hang out—four times in a month isn't a whole lot, is it?), I was starting to wonder what was up. I told him I was confused by his lack of communication and he said that he just doesn't like to text and assured me that we were on the same page.
Knowing that he was now aware of my feeling a lack of communication on his part, I think I figured there would be more from now on, but there wasn't at all; it continued on the same. A week and a half later, with only one hang out, a drunk text at 1 a.m. ('I'm at a party your roommate's at") to which I didn't reply, a lame text the following day ("I saw you at the volleyball game. I was going to come say hi but I think you left") and then two days of nothing, I was starting to get frustrated again.
The next time we talked I mentioned that I was still confused and asked him to just be straight up with me. He said that he's been in a couple long term relationships and they took a toll on him and that he wants to take it slow, which I can respect, but he did sound a little annoyed.
He asked me to hang out last Saturday but I was dreading it because of the vulnerable place that I felt I put myself in from our previous conversation, so I suggested we go to my friend's party. He decided to invite his friends and then proceeded to ask if I wanted to "just meet him there" knowing I don't have a car. He showed up at 12 a.m. with some girls (so I heard, I was on a McDonald's run with some friends) and upon discovering that it was just my group of friends and not a big house party, they left. He texted me, "Sorry they wanted to leave and I wasn't driving," I say, "So what are you doing now then?" He says, "Going to bed."
He didn't message me until last night (two days later) apologizing and asking for a rain check for last time. I haven't replied. Even though I don't initiate anything, I still feel like I'm chasing him which is out of my character and I feel very uncomfortable. It's been a month and a half and I still feel like we hardly know each other and we haven't progressed at all (we haven't gone far physically, either) and I'm lost for what to do.
Is this normal? Am I just used to being chased and should just deal with only seeing each other and talking once a week? Is it worth giving him more chance or should I drop him?
Comments (21)
Sounds like drama. =( don't feed drama if you don't want any. on a side note, I think that when you want something 'straight up' you should not demand it of him very often. Stark honesty is something you should give, and if it's something you want but are not getting enough of, you have to leave him. When dating, it's a bad omen when you haven't even started a relationship yet you are demanding things from the other. what you should do is say your opinions straight up and if he keeps playing games and doesn't volunteer you his opinions, find someone else to crush.
One date a week used to be the way we did it in my day. I'm currently trying to persuade someone to stick to this, anything more is claustrophobic. If two people have committed to being in a relationship (i.e. going steady) the commitment is not based on frequency, but intention.In your situation though - showing up with other girls is a red flag. Usually means a guy feels pushed around and wants to assert his independence.
It sounds like he wants to keep his options open and go out with other chicks. A lot of red flags are there, like only seeing you 4 times a month (probably seeing other girls when he's not with you), getting annoyed when you told him to be straight with you, not talking to you for days, and leaving shortly after arriving to your friend's party (if he wanted to spend time with you, he would have stayed, since he could have gotten a ride home from someone else at the party). Sorry, but I think you should dump him. :/
There's a thing people do sometimes... where they're semi interested, but not really enough to actually put any effort into things.The way this works is that they're interested enough to think about you, but nothing ever really comes from it. So maybe they think they ought to text you later, but a week goes by and by that time you've messaged them, so good enough, right? Or you saw them somewhere and you didn't care enough to say hi, but you send a singular text about it later. Or it's been a few weeks since you bumped into each other... so you half-assedly make plans and once you get there you say to yourself "Ehhh. There are really other things I could be doing." and you're like "thanks for driving all the way out here to meet for coffee, gotta go."Basically what I'm saying is that when you're trying to pursue something with someone who isn't all that into you, yes, this is all normal.Continue to casually pursue it.... or not... it's really up to you to decide whether or not you'd like to hang around and see if things ever pick up.
This post is the female equivalent of a teenage boy complaining that his girlfriend won't put out so he wants to break up with her.If you need physical/emotional affection to validate your self-worth, find someone else. If not, why do you feel so pressured to break up with a guy you're not even dating? What does it matter that things are going so slowly with him unless you have someone else in mind?I see girls on here complaining all the time that they feel "obligated" when guys offer them things... but he should feel obligated to give you something in return for your undivided romantic attention?
@T3hZ10n@xanga - Ha. Well that was sentimental. I read this and said aloud people are just fucking morons.
Pretty much he's not that interested.
@isitreal_no@xanga - Compared to...?
I wouldn't put all your eggs in one basket. I don't think he's interested enough to pursue this relationship as more than it already is. Seems like you two aren't on the same page and want different things. I would move on.
@jeezshoua@xanga - "I would move on."It was already made perfectly clear how underwhelmingly platonic things have been the whole time. You would move on from... what?She needs to move on from her own expectations of a guy she's not even in a relationship with. Her expectations of him exceed their situation. He's not her husband. He's not even her boyfriend. It's not that they want different things, it's that she wants more but can't admit it because it would hurt her fragile little ego to realize she wants someone who isn't interested in her."I wouldn't put all your eggs in one basket."In other words, treat every man like he's just an option because you don't want to be treated like just an option. Fucking brilliant. So much for the Golden Rule.
i would have lost interest by now. why waste your time on someone who seems to be playing games?If he likes you he'd do whatever it takes to communicate with you on a healthy level to get to know you better. It seems like he likes the idea of having you around. I went through something similar with a guy. We'd see each other once a week but he never made an effort to communicate otherwise, I stopped seeing him by the third date.
Idk what to tell you. I'd just kinda play things by ear I guess. If he doesn't seem interested he either may be or doesn't know how to get it acrossed. Sounds more friend level to me though if at all. Idk I don't really date much. *shrugs*
@T3hZ10n@xanga - *Yawns* Why must you always cry about everything I post? Here, tissue.
@jeezshoua@xanga - lol
@jeezshoua@xanga - Why must you always bitch about the fact that I am replying to you and never actually address what I say? Here, Prozac.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - Once upon a time I did and sadly, it got nowhere. You always bitch about what I post, so here, more tissue for future bitchiness. :)
@jeezshoua@xanga - It will "never" get anywhere when you automatically dismiss anything that might imply you're wrong, run away from a discussion like a whiny little girl, and project your failure to produce a convincing rational argument onto me.When you're the one who sets the time-frame before you give up, "never" doesn't mean anything. You "never" actually finished a discussion.Go ahead. Say I'm the reason you choose not to continue. Because I can make you choose to do something. Apparently I have that power.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - Well, he's just playing with her. Oh meet me at this party, but then he's not there. Doesn't reply to texts, doesn't call her. Sure maybe he does like her but he's not acting like he wants a relationship with her, in my opinion. Doesn't make him a bad person or anything, he just doesn't seem to be all the interested in her.
@isitreal_no@xanga - When you put it that way, I guess you're right. I wouldn't be so fickle about keeping in contact if I was interested, but again, there are times I have other things going on and it would suck if a girl just enforced a general rule of how a guy is supposed to show interest and I can't really help it if current circumstances and my time being taken up by other things that prevent me from showing it but I truly am interested.It's just the way she's saying it that bugs me. "He's not showing enough interest."... well, compared to who? If someone else is showing more interest then why is she bothering with him? She makes it sound like he's taking too long and he's cutting into the time she could be spending with someone else... in which case she's making him out to be just an option and not giving him the same consideration she's wants.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - Yeah I don't like the way she worded it either. Very negatively towards the guy. Yeah he's not being overly interested in her and maybe saying one thing but his actions are showing the other. It's up to her to take it or leave it.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - *giggles* Perhaps when you get off your high horse, we can then have a real and mature conversation with each other. Until then, please keep your tissues near when you decide to cry and pout about what I post on here.
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