August 17, 2013
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Unmarried, But Want Children
So...it's a little bit weird.
I'm a 31-year-old single, white female, living on her own. I have my own apartment, took a loan from the bank, have 30 years to pay for it and my own full, paid car. I don't want to get married—ever. My father is an alcoholic and my mother left home. It was bad for me. I have a lover—he is 45, married and has a 20-year-old daughter.
It's convenient because I don't want to be tied up in a marriage, but he wants a child with me. I want a child. He has the money to ensure the child's well-being. I don't know what to do. He will be there for the child all the time because he wants it so much. I want the child also and I don't care what people think of me because they don't pay my bills and they don't care if I'm well or not.
I'm just curious if there are other women who don't want to get married but have children with their partner. If so, how do they manage this situation?
Comments (37)
If you want a child, but not a husband, I think your best bet is to go through a sperm bank. If you have a child with your married lover the chances are extremely high it's going to get very complicated and messy. By going through a sperm bank there is no chance the father is going to take your child, or leave his wife and try to convince you to get married when you don't want too.
Your bio (1000 calories maxxxx) is throwing me off to the maturity and suitability of you as a SINGLE mother. Which, yes, you can't kid yourself about. You're attached to a married man, who, if he wanted a real family with you, he'd get a fuckin divorce. Looks to me like you have some issues to take care of personally before you bring a child into the disaster.Sorry to be harsh.
You are enabling CHEATING bottom line. And like Princess said the fact that you are wnating a child with a married man and see no problem with it screams you have issues and aren't mature enough for a child yet. There are plenty of men that want to so called "tap it" and not have the strings of marriage. Or before you create another child that might possibly end up as unwanted GO ADOPT. There are 1000's of kids looking for good homes.
What in the hell did I just read? First off, You have an eating disorder. Fact. My mother did too and it was actually a source of a lot of strain on our relationship, AND I ended up doing a lot of the parenting, don't do that to your child. Please.Second, he's married, and I am going to assume the wife has no idea you exist, if you have a kid with him, things WILL get messy, I don't find this a good solution. If you REALLY want a kid on your own I would suggest getting your own ducks in a row before you head up to the sperm bank (and not everything about being a suitable parent has to do with finances.)
@Ashioz Having an eating disorder HAS NOTHING to do with your ability to parent. Your mom and you LET it be a strain on your relationship. Stuff like that is not your child's business. I work with kids and have an ED plus a mirayd of other issues and it doesnt create a problem. and I am planning on becoming a mom.
@thatiskittytoyou@xanga - But it does have plenty, even in the immediate future, to do with health during pregnancy. The best prenatal care begins before you are pregnant, and a thousand calories ain't cuttin' it. It's starting off from an unhealthy point, a deficit malnourished state, so it won't be good for a fetus even if you consume adequate calories during pregnancy which will be a hard task. It's asking for complication. A very low calorie diet like the one mentioned, and in fact any diet that requires less than 1,200 calories a day for women, depletes your body of calcium and folate (among other nutrients). And we can all agree on the vital importance of folic acid during (and before) pregnancy particularly in regard to development of birth defect. And a parent of the same sex with a body image disorder does negatively influence the psyche of her children. I'm sorry. It can also be genetic, besides environmental. http://www.allianceforeatingdisorders.com/what-causes-eating-disordersThe OP is not physically or mentally ready to have children. And THAT doesn't even touch her relationship status.***To the author, my husband adds to my comment : "She shouldn't be satisfied with being somebody's second." He's right. You deserve more than this.
@thatiskittytoyou@xanga - Oh it so does, when your kid hits the teen years and realizes that mommy doesn't eat, is depressed, stares at the scale, gets to the skin and bones state, it gets extremely scary. I'm sorry, but you're not the child of a mother with that kind of issue, your input has zero impact on my opinions and thoughts based on experience.
What? judging from your profile pic and your little description of your "goals"--not eating dinner ever-- I highly doubt you are ready to be a mother, both physically and emotionally. Try to overcome your eating disorder before adopting/creating a child. Adoption agencies will probably reject you if they suspect you are not healthy and emotionally stable. And the world really does not need kids who grow up from a broken home.
First and foremost having an eating disorder doesn't make someone a bad parent. So get your shit straight before you start jumping to conclusions.I'm not married but I have a partner, and a baby. A lot of women don't want to be tied down with marriage. Don't let anyone ever make you think what you want out of life is wrong. As long as you provide everything your child needs, fuck what everyone else thinks.
@mr_flo@xanga - Actually it would be best for the OP to get HER shit straight before jumping into motherhood. This isn't The Simms. She can make unhealthy choices for herself, that's her choice. But it's wrong to purposely draw a child into that.
@PrincessPowers@xanga - God bless you.
i believe this is a troll post...it only goes to show the downswing in content credibility here on Xanga now that they are touting crap like this as a dating-ish-worthy blog. where did all of the polygamists go?
You do not need to be having children if this is your attitude. It's only natural for every woman to want them, but you do not seem like someone who should be thinking about that right now.I totally understand your fear of getting married after what happened between your parents, but that doesn't mean you can't have a much better marriage than they did and give your children a much better life than you had. You already know what it's like to go through your childhood without one of your parents around, so why would you put your own children through it? It doesn't matter if you could get along fine without their father; children lead much happier, healthier lives when they have both parents around while they grow up. They will need both of you, and this relationship you're in right now does not sound like a healthy one at all.The man is married. Carrying on an affair with him like that is a terrible thing to do, though certainly worse for him. If he really loves you, he should divorce his wife and marry you instead. If he won't do that, then to carry on the affair is very selfish and immoral of both of you.In a way, I don't ever want to get married either. I've had my heart broken by girls who never wanted me so many times that by now it's about 60% glue. I often think I'll never find the right girl for me. Also, the story of my parents was a tragedy, too. I had a really rough childhood when they got divorced and then fought over me and my sister in court for years. I know now that I'm older, however, that there are lots of different kinds of relationships, and it's totally unreasonable to say that every one of them is going to be like that or that I'll never get married. It might be a long time, but to say it'll never happen is assuming too much.What if you find the perfect man for you who wants to give you his whole life, but the only thing you don't share in common is that he does want to get married? Would you break both your hearts by holding onto your determination not to ever get married? I gotta give you credit, though, for waiting a long time to do it. It also means you won't marry until you really find the right man for you, which would be ideal. Hold onto that if you have to, but don't refuse to ever get married. You're not going to be happy like that when you're older. Yeah, I know I'm younger than you, so how would I know? I guess it's just what I think is how we change with age, based on observation.
sounds like it would end up being a very messy situation. if the guy wants kids with you and you with him, maybe he should leave his wife and have a baby with you. be there for the child and you, married or not. but definitely not a good idea to have a child with a married man. unfair on the child too.
So like. As everyone assumes this is a troll post, I'm going to go with it and agree-- however if this scenerio would have happened to someone:1) I understand that sometimes it is nice to fantasize about having children. BUT as stable as you think your life is you will never be able to imagine how difficult the life of a single mother is. Even if a boyfriend will say that he would be there all the time, if it's a clandestine relationship, the bottom line is 'he will have no responsibility to the child'. As said before, it would get really messy really quickly. 2) What's wrong with adopting?
Sorry about your parents. It has obviously impacted you even today at the age of 30. No offense but i see daddy issues everywhere in your writing. brb dating a married man/father 15 years her senior. brb don't trust men to become a husband and father to your child. I know there are amazing single parents out there who raise great children alone. At the same time there are studies out there which have shown a relationship between juvenile crime and people in jail who have had a bad upbringing or lacked a mother or father figure in their life. I think you want a baby because you want unconditional love and dependence on you. You probably want to prove that you can be a better parent to your child.You should go see a therapist to deal with your problems before even thinking about bringing a kid into your world.And, do you realise that the things you are doing to lose weight are actually slowing you down from your goal?lol op pls.
@thatiskittytoyou@xanga - I like the part where you claim something isn't the child's business when it pertains to their parent's health.Because, you know, a child's direct well-being isn't affected by the health of their parents or anything."If someone is going to have a child, they should be available for them emotionally and physically. If they cannot be there (like, I'm not going to knock physically disabled parents who live in wheelchairs. EDs have severe emotional as well as physical effects, however), they don't need to have kids, plain and simple.
well, can get someone to donate you a sperm from some sperm bank !
I agree this must be a troll post; that said, no one like this should reproduce in any way, shape or form ever; that includes not just physical reproduction, but infecting the rest of society with the attitude that cheating and homewrecking is ok.
@LauraDeLuna@xanga - still here!!
hmm, since this seems like a crowd that's pretty well informed about this topic, i have a question for all the chicas out there with slender figures: how many calories do you consume a day? i ask because a friend of mine is, in my unprofessional view, kind of anorexic (in addition to a host of other problems) and i've really tried to convince her to seek therapy (to no avail, unfortunately). part of the problem is that she aims to eat only 1200 calories a day and is 100% convinced that the slender girls i ogle on the street only eat the same amount. i don't believe her though. is this true?
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - 2500 a day is the recommended amount of caloric consumption.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - It's not true. She is normalizing her abnormal behavior and thoughts. First of all, I don't know a person with a healthy food relationship that counts calories like that, particularly against medical advice. She's putting herself at risk of gallbladder and worse, heart disease at the minimum by following a very low cal diet like that. Me? I was average 95 lbs pre-pregnancy. Through heavy workouts and higher protein intake, I hit 100. Purposely. She is wrong. The skinny girls are not all starving themselves like she is. But she is invested in her (totally wrong) opinion. You probably can't convince her otherwise.
A twat of the disillusioned variety would likely say "NOBODY FUCKING CARES.", but look at all this helpful advice; all these people taking responsibility for the happiness and health of a nonexistent child, a hypothetical human being. Like conservatives on abortion issues, each human being deserves the best life possible and we are all responsible for ensuring that, but only theoretically of course. Once they're actually here it's "Oh well. Life is unfair. Gotta deal with it.".Little known fact:That was the favorite saying of our founding fathers. Tyrannical king? Oh well. Unfair taxes and representation? That's life, it's unfair, gotta deal with it - which is why we're a free country now. These past few generations have been unbelievably fucking pathetic.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - Help those who are actually helpless. Infants, children, elderly. Those who are capable but unmotivated, victimized to their situation? Need to wake up and do for themselves. That is my unbelievably fucking pathetic belief. Shame on me for having a heart and brain, both. And unless you have been around for these past few generations yourself, you have nothing but hot air behind your opinions about them.
@PrincessPowers@xanga - the weight loss is from 5 years ago....
@cherylee333@xanga - Then I sincerely hope you've recovered in the interim.
@iones_island@xanga - so i must assume you never cheated NEVER REALLY?with your thoughts,eyes,mind.....really never?because i see you are throwing stones at me......
@LeeKymKween@xanga - daddy issues?yes....i went to therapy.resolved.doc said so.thank you for not judging me.but just giving me advice.
@cherylee333@xanga - Considering I don't have relationships no, I haven't. But let's be clear that seeing, noticing or being attracted to a person is a far cry from maintaining harmful adulterous relationships and planning families with people who already have them.
@PrincessPowers@xanga - "Those who are capable but unmotivated, victimized to their situation?"You can be objective and still see that it's better to err conservatively. Of those who are not living up to their potential, most want to. If you are a cynic who believes people are only out for their own self-interest, tell me why anyone would remain stagnant when there is an option to gain. "Unmotivated" doesn't explain the disparity between cost/benefit unless the person is genuinely unaware of what opportunities exist, and if those opportunities are not guaranteed, there will always be those who are truly a victim to their situation.Capability and motivation are none of my concern. What does concern me are those who feel they are a victim to their situation and because of that they're marginalized by people like you thus ensuring it.There is no greater irony than patronizing one person with "Life is unfair." while helping another. If that is the case, life isn't unfair... you are.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - mmm thanks for the mental spanking. I like that. Next time, get my ass while you're at it. That'll really get me wet.
@PrincessPowers@xanga - I'm not punishing you. I'm telling you I believe you are capable of helping others more than you already do. That is, unless of course you believe you are limited in your ability to do so by your circumstances.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - oh, spankings aren't punishment.
@PrincessPowers@xanga - I must've taken that the wrong way. I don't see why you wouldn't like my philosophy; it's pretty much the same as yours just extended to be more efficient. I just don't think the amount of help a person needs should necessarily determine the priority you give them. To shrug a person off as capable but unmotivated because they're not finding opportunities is inefficient when you could give them the opportunity to help you help those who desperately need it so at least they are contributing in the meantime until they find a way to help themselves.It's like the whole "Teach a man to fish..." thing, except you're saying if he's already capable of fishing just forget about it because there are other people who need fish.
@LauraDeLuna@xanga - @PrincessPowers@xanga - thanks for writing guys. i guess my question was more, not what is recommended, but what the actual practice is. i think the other part here is that everyone has their own "natural" body type, and she's a *little* more big-boned (and i really just mean a little). i also would disagree that there's nothing i can do...it's my job as her friend to steer her in the right direction. i told her when we were both blackout one night that i'd help her the next day make a phone call etc but i never did
she just started med school this week, i hope she gets her shit together.
You are gutter trash. You are F*cking a married guy and want to have a bastard baby...good job. That child if male will be a homosexual or stick-up kid or worse a homosexual stick-up kid. If female she will be a slut/whore like yourself. You are seriously gutter trash. Good job.
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