August 23, 2013
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Jealousy: Good, Bad or Ugly?
Before Mercedes and I started dating, she was with another girl, Marie. Mercedes and I were getting to that level of friendship where we told each other everything, which meant that I heard all about her makeout sessions, backseat romps, and charming conversations with this other girl. Since I was developing a crush on Mercedes, I couldn’t help but to get a little jealous.
After Mercedes and I started dating, she would still text and hang out with Marie, and they even went on vacation together for a week (Mercedes said it had been planned for a year, and it couldn’t be cancelled). Again, jealousy reared its ugly head.
Any time Mercedes associated with Marie, I would become the green-eyed monster. (This may have something to do with the fact that Marie was the first girl Mercedes dated, and I felt like she had somehow secured a permanent place in Mercedes’ heart.) Because our relationship was really fresh, I kept my feelings a secret. I didn’t want to be that girlfriend who was super insecure and jealous.
My jealousy and negative emotions reached a boiling point (and, I think, rightfully so) when Mercedes told me that Marie had sprung a kiss on her while they were at a tanning salon. (Mercedes claimed that the kiss was a complete surprise, and said that she didn’t kiss her back.) All at once, I word vomited my feelings, and told Mercedes exactly how I felt about her friendship/relationship with her ex. After the kiss, and after hearing how I felt, Mercedes started distancing herself from Marie.
Here’s the other side of the coin. My mom has been dating her boyfriend, Tim, for a while now, and things seem to be going pretty well. They get along great, they have a lot of fun together, and Tim never gets jealous or feels insecure. That lack of jealousy/insecurity is a good thing, right? Well, not according to my mom.
Tim’s lack of jealousy and dearth of insecurity sometimes makes my mom feel like he doesn’t care about her. She thinks that a little bit of jealousy/insecurity is good, and shows that a person is emotionally attached. Tim doesn’t see it like that at all. He’s secure in their relationship, and couldn’t care less if my mom associates with other men.
So, which is it? Is jealousy good or bad? I don’t think there’s a clear answer, but I do think that balance and moderation are important. If you’re too jealous (like I may have been in the past), you could be seen as insecure and possibly overprotective. If you’re not jealous at all (like Tim), your partner may worry that you don’t care about him/her.
Now, the jealousy level in my relationship is pretty low. Mercedes and I associate with whoever we want to (even Marie!) without making the other partner jealous or insecure. I, for one, am very thankful that the green-eyed monster has taken a much-needed hike.
Do you think jealousy is good or bad? Have you ever felt jealous? Why, and what did you do about it?
Comments (9)
Everyone needs a little bit, just to keep them going, but I think it's all about how you channel it.
Good example- Notice your partner getting/giving more attention from elsewhere, step up your game with more dinners out and deep intimacies, and then reaffirm your commitments
Bad example- Your partner's friend hugs them too long at times, you noticed every time you watched them from behind the bushes, your binoculars in one hand, greasy fastfood comfort sandwich in the other
Why "couldn't" the vacation be cancelled? Why did she choose to go? Did they hold a gun to her head?
I'm the jealous type but my boyfriend is very loyal so it's rare that I get jealous. And when I do get jealous it's usually because I'm being irrational, not because there's any real threat.
I understand completely where your mom is coming from. My boyfriend never gets jealous and sometimes I wish he would because it would be sweet to see. He says he would only ever get jealous if he needs to be, which would be me reciprocating any flirtations or feelings towards someone else. Which doesn't happen, cause I'm loyal as well.
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I think that staying jealous and stressed is awful. If you have to mistust him, or her, then UGH. Move on. Life is to be lived with peaceful enjoyment. Work is enough stress without adding to it!
i like the feeling of jealousy sometimes, even if i'm not comfortable with it.
it makes me realize i have feelings for someone and that s/he means something to me.
if my bf never shows jealousy, i wouldn't be too upset about it, although i would question how much he cares about me, like the OP's mom.
but too much is also a big no. i hate feeling like i'm owned rather than loved.
Jealousy stems from insecurity and a feeling that something valuable is being taken away. Jealousy is never a healthy emotion, in my opinion.
Try to hold on too tightly to a loved one and you might just squeeze them tightly enough that they go away.
I've noticed I'm usually only jealous when I'm trying to get the guy. I notice everything that goes on between him and other females, and it makes me uncomfortable, because I don't want to be that girl. I don't let it show, though. but once I'm in a relationship, I figure that if he's with me, he must really like me and that if he didn't feel that way anymore, he'd just end the relationship.
I think in my last relationship, I may have been a bit on the not jealous enough side. My ex went on a trip around Europe with another girl. They had planned this before we got together, so I figured they shouldn't have to call it off just because he started dating me. But I probably should have reacted a bit differently. I believe him when he says he didn't have sex with her, but I think he liked her. They had a really similar sense of humor and when the two of them were together when I was around, I often felt like the third wheel. I wonder now if maybe he thought I wasn't that into him because I acted like I was cool with their trip. (And I was, for the most part, but I also think he should have done more to show that he still cared about me.)
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