August 24, 2013
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A Perfect Storm
I'm 21 and he's 23; we met in early May and had been together until yesterday. We had a lot of small fights, but would always find a way to get back together. The last fight was different, although we did fight about this same issue a few times. I brought up a problem about us not being sexually compatible in bed, because I always initiated sex and wanted sex more than he did, which made me question his attraction to me.
It happened again—where I felt bad that he wouldn't put out and he kept saying that "he just wanted to lay and relax with me." That escalated to a bigger argument this time. He repeatedly said that he "couldn't believe we were fighting and breaking up over sex—something so trivial in a relationship," and that "for what it's worth, he loves me more than just sex." He then stormed out of my apartment. I didn't want to break up with him, I wanted to talk and compromise. However, we kept fighting, so I let him go that night. That was Sunday.
That night I tried calling him and it turned into another fight—he hung up and said we'd talk again tomorrow because it wasn't going anywhere. Monday came around, I called him up having heard nothing from him at all throughout the day. He was cold and didn't want to talk at all. I came to find out that his grandpa died last night, so I gave him some space because our conversation was dead silence.
Last night was probably the worst night—it broke my heart to think about it again. I called him up, and he kept saying that "he can't handle this anymore." His grandpa died, his dad tried to kill himself over it, and his mom is back in the hospital again (I think she's terminally ill—in and out of the extensive care). He said that this relationship is weighing him down and if I keep pushing him, he will kill himself.
He also said that he loves me, but this is the best for both of us because we kept fighting, and that he has absolutely no strength to carry on right now. He wants to be alone and can't be with anybody at the moment, and if I truly love him, I'd let him go and accept it's over, so stop calling him. It was a long, whole hour of me being so dumbfounded not knowing what was going on, and he hung up a few times because "he can't keep hurting me or hearing me cry, but he can't deal with this anymore."
I want to be there for him, yet, he refused all my help. He's flying to Texas tomorrow to mourn the death of his grandpa, look after his family, and he doesn't know when he's coming back. I asked him to call me when he gets back, but he blurted, "No, no need to drag this on anymore. It will hurt more."
I am left just broken and not knowing exactly where to start or to go from here. Why is me trying to be there for him causing so much stress? He doesn't want me around or to hear from me at all, and that's the part that is upsetting me the most. Especially last week, he told me that he's really in love with me, that he's getting out of the Marines next March, he wants me to move out of DC with him, and that he's going to marry me when the time's right. Little did I know, our relationship was only one fight away from ending forever. It was all a perfect storm. What am I to do?
I sent him a text later and said, "I am sincerely sorry for all that happened to your family. I am here if you need me." But that's all I could do... and it saddens me.
Your thoughts?
Comments (36)
You leave him alone now. You already put the ball clearly and repeatedly in his court. He was clear with you. You now respect his boundaries. His hurt is his. It's not about you and your need or desire to help him (which may or may not be in part from a desire to assuage guilt), particularly since he clearly (repeatedly) told you he wanted space. So you have to back off. I'm sorry that it is sudden and that you hurt that he hurts on top of breakup hurt. It's time to back off. And move on.
@PrincessPowers@xanga - thanks.
I guess I am just a little bit surprised and shock, unsure of what to do because last week we were planning to move in together to another state. He even said he wanted to fly me to Texas to see his family next month. I didn't know that our relationship was one fight away from being over. And he was pretty adamant about wanting to deal with everything himself and not wanting me to be there for him. He told me that he's seen me and he knows I am capable of moving on because "this is the best for both of us - he doesn't want it to end this way, he loves me, but this has to end."
I feel somewhat lost. My coworkers said to send him a card to his house (in Texas - where he is now for the funeral) to share the condolences and wish him luck with all the family's loss as well as his parents' conditions. But I am not sure if that is a good idea. I don't want my action or lack of action to drive me further than I already am from him. Your thoughts?
@ImInDCtrick@xanga - If you had a personal relationship with his family (which doesn't really sound like is the case) then send the card. Otherwise, it's chasing him and restating what you already said on the phone and via text.
It would be very unsettling, the whole situation. I agree. But whether the band-aid comes off in a sudden rip or in a slow pull, it hurts either way. You're just momentarily disoriented.
If i was your bf I'd REALLY want my space right now.
It's not that you both were flawed it's just sexually you both were not compatible an I believe that sex is a crucial aspect of a relationship. When he thinks of you and the relationship he thinks of what he could not have fulfilled and stress that may of have come from it.
If he had deal with the loss of his grandpa, a suicidal father and a terminally ill mothers, I think if you really cared about him the best thing you can do is give him all the space. If he wants to speak to you he will find his way. But priority wise, your relationship is last on his list. Maybe two weeks to a month from now text him to see how he and his family are doing and only for that (do not even bring up the relationship). Then go back to giving him space. Remember that right now he is not mentally ready to be in a relationship.
No couple is ever really on the same page with sex. That's the point of a relationship. You compromise. If you both are taking it that personal and arguments are happening over it then you do both need a break to grow up. Right now it sounds like he needs his space. He's going through a lot. And if all that was going on (his mom terminally ill and stuff ) that can dampen someone's sex life too. You both just sound too selfish right now.
@lovepattyx0@xanga - I stated clearly that my intention was to actually compromise, but he was too deep into the argument to see it. When I called him back after he left, his family's demise already happened.
It is more than just sex being the cause of our breakup, because the breakup wasn't meant to happen. We were going to talk about it. We talked about this problem for a while but never seemed to come to a solution because we'd rather put it off than having a bigger fight. The sex was very satisfying - but it wasn't enough, and there was only that.
Sorry that you think sex isn't a big problem in relationship and that you've settled for "not being on the same page sexually," while I am okay with striving for having the best sex life as a couple. It's not the matter of "growing up." If anything, I think brushing off/not dealing with satisfactory in life and wishing things just magically get better in general is rather immature.
Thanks but no thanks.
@scribbles - Thanks a lot. The reason I didn't give him space was because he never told me until the last minute when he was already boarding the plane. Now looking back, I felt somewhat selfish, yet, I don't know truly if I should give up on our relationship. I am giving him all the space he needs now since I love him but preparing to move on at the same time. I suppose that irony is the hardest to take now.
@PrincessPowers@xanga - "It's not about you and your need or desire to help him (which may or may not be in part from a desire to assuage guilt), particularly since he clearly (repeatedly) told you he wanted space."
The fucking nerve...
If he is causing her pain, she has every right to tell him to man up and get his act together because how he's behaving is hurting her.
"So you have to back off."
In U.S. law, "a person commits harassment if, with intent to harass or with knowledge that the person is harassing another person..."
This comes before any mention of annoying, unwanted, or alarming behavior.
So no... she doesn't "have to back off" if her intent is to comfort him or make him feel better. The irony is that telling her she has to back off when she clearly doesn't want to more closely fits the definition of harassment than her behavior.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - You can't control the world. You can't make someone accept you. Love is selfless. It is also kind and has mercy. He has cried out for mercy. Hers is the pain of a breakup. His is the pain of death and a family in desperate crisis. His world doesn't revolve around her and can't. This is a 3 month intense relationship with continual hurt. It's time for him to stop the pain, he can't fucking take any more crisis. He has to deal with his family.
He doesn't have to deal with a girlfriend who continually tells him he doesn't put out enough, which is an abuse on his very manhood. Yeah, she was willing to sacrifice and compromise again, but what did the past three months teach him? That it it's never enough. That HE is never enough.
So he stopped the bleeding. And she has to respect the severed relationship. If there was anything magical about it, when the time is right and he isn't fucking crippled by death (times potentially three) he knows where she is. Until then? It's time to let go and stop requiring him to sooth her hurt. He doesn't have to. He doesn't have the capacity to. And it's really goddamn selfish to ask it of him at this time.
Sorry, but you can look at it the other way too: an insult to his manhood or a disregard for his partner's needs as the unwillingness to compromise or even to talk about it.
@ImInDCtrick@xanga - Either way, your own words paint the picture most accurately. You guys aren't sexually compatible. Not even in the honeymoon phase of the relationship.
As a military spouse (my husband has served for 10 yrs in the military, we are stationed at Camp Lejeune), I am telling you to back off this Marine who has threatened suicide and needs space to deal with his shit.
@PrincessPowers@xanga - I agree with everything you said in that comment with the exception of two things:
1. "And she has to respect the severed relationship."
No, she doesn't. You're presumptuously taking the liberty of being a catalyst rather than a guide. By saying she "has to" you're taking away the credit she should receive for making the better, more understanding, and more compassionate decision of her own free will. Instead of "That was a very mature thing you did." it becomes "Finally, you stopped fucking making things worse.".
It would be better to explain exactly how what she's doing is hurting him as opposed to taking no action at all and how it would help him to give him the space he needs right now and time to himself.
2. "You can't control the world. You can't make someone accept you."
If you mean I shouldn't try to I would rather you say that instead, but of course, you don't have to...
@ImInDCtrick@xanga - I don't find his reasons to not have sex a "not compatible" thing. I just see him having a low sex drive. Which would be a number of things. By how you describe it I don't see any compromise in the beginning I see you more prodding on why he won't because he finds YOU unattractive instead of finding an underlying issue which is most likely the case. Was something with his life bothering him? Personal issues can put a damper on someone's sex life.
Of course it was too deep into the argument in escalates over such tribal issues compares to what was really going on with him. So I wouldn't want to hear it either. And where did I say I settled?? I'm engaged and happily going to marry someone who satisfies me. But I'm just realistic. PEOPLE HAVE DIFFERENT SEX DRIVES. There's time where work stresses him out and we don't do it. There's times I get stressed out...IT HAPPENS. I normally want it more than him...I haven't cried about it though. It just happens. And I'm happy and engaged. We don't fight when it happens. We recognize the underlying problem of why we don't want to instead. So the fact of you just putting words in mouth without even knowing my life just proves the immaturity.
@lovepattyx0@xanga - Because what happens in your relationship is automatically standardized to everybody else's relationship, right? "No couple is ever really on the same page with sex." Sorry, just because it happens to you doesn't mean it will happen to others. Also, that statement implies "settling." You asked, I answered. You are welcome.
No. Your immaturity lays on the fact that you are okay with him not having sex as much as you do. Understanding that different people have different sex drives, but it is different when one partner is repeatedly gets turned down. Regardless, I aimed to compromise, but he was on a different page, mind you, not having anything to do with his sexuality/ego. I suggest you try reading my post again before making inane comments regarding the "underlying issues," because there was hardly ANY issue before we broke up.
Enjoy your engagement regardless. The way I see it, it won't last long. Anything you say now is irrevelent seeing how the way you operate in your relationship is unsuitable to comment on mine.
@PrincessPowers@xanga - What you are not getting is the fact that I don't plan on contacting him. It wasn't even about sex that we really had a problem with. It was a fight that simply happened to be regarding sex. Everything else that happened later brought more pain to the situation than where it should have been.
The thing is not that we aren't having good sex. Our sex is great and I've always wanted more. And every day passed by, I got turned down by "I just want to relax. It isn't a sin," which made me question our compatibility. We had sex every time we met, though he even admitted that he is a "one-timer." This is the first time I've been with somebody that is this way. Also it is worth to mention that he DID get really aroused, yet, he insisted on not doing it because we just did it a while ago. It made me question out compatibility, but he just refused to see it. He claimed that our sex was already good the way it was, and there was no need to change it. Still, I meant to work through it but he wasn't the most confrontational person.
I think "killing himself" is more of an expression. He does have mild PTSD, however, he was adamant about going back to Texas and taking care of his family. So you can ease up on your military wife's preach.
Why ask for our thoughts if you are going to ignore them when they don't agree with you?
Probably best not to say or do anything further than your text. Let him go. Do not try to contact him anymore. It appears (from your description) that you are not compatible. He doesn't want to have any further stress at this time and you are stressing him. His family stress at this time is very high.
You did what you can do. You told him you are there if he needs you.
You also let him know what you feel about lack of sex. You want the sex and, though he loves you, he does not. Let him go. You will never be satisfied with your sexual relationship and it will only make him sadder.
Move on and find someone else more compatible. Let him move on and find someone more compatible who will love him the way he wants to be loved..
Good luck to you both.
LEAVE HIM ALONE.
@ImInDCtrick@xanga - I'm suddenly seeing what his issues were with you. Lmao. I'll enjoy me being engaged. IDC if you think how it'll last or not. You clearly aren't good with judgement or clarity.
@respectboundaries - Because there is a fine line between blindly commenting without reading this unjustly judging the situation, and there's reasonable opinions.
@Facetiouseloquence@xanga - No haha. What are you gonna do? Go run tell mommy?
@ImInDCtrick@xanga - It isn't funny. You don't toy around with soldiers with "mild" PTSD who threaten suicide. Back the fuck off and before you post something else to Datingish, be ready. Someone might just call you out, bitch.
@PrincessPowers@xanga - Someone is PMS-ing. Or are you actually going through menopause, BITCH?
Read what I had written to you before making an inane comment. It isn't funny? Sure it is the way you are so in-objectively involved with my relationship because clearly awful shits happened in yours. He's never been deployed, never been injured - what would cause his PTSD is rather much about his family, and has much less to do with the Marines. He planned to stay in there forever until his family drama happened. Are you going to automatically assuming that somebody is going to kill him/herself in a mindless relationship argument just because it is an expression let out under heated moment?
Sorry that horrible accidents happened in your life, but why should you project that arrogant assumption onto others'? Not to mention, it has NOTHING to do with an argument at hands. You lose all your credibility when you allow your pathetic presupposition cloud your impartiality.
@PrincessPowers@xanga - Go cry about it, shall you? Meow. I was actually relating to what you had to say until you forgot to take your menopause relief for the day. Bad things happen to everybody; that doesn't give you the right to project that fear onto me.
@ImInDCtrick@xanga - oh snap. I just got schooled by a toddler.
Or... I quoted you and you made shit up about me. Reality sucks, right?
You wrote "No haha" to Facetiouseloquence.
You wrote that the had "mild PTSD."
You wrote in caps, "if I keep pushing him, he will kill himself."
You wrote that he had a lesser libido than you. That is typical of depression or PTSD. You mocked him for it, your grammar "he wouldn't put out" tells me this.
What now? I'm holding a mirror for you.
@ImInDCtrick@xanga - I'm glad to take your feelings, negative or not. Because it means your attention is temporarily averted from your Marine ex. I can take it. He can't. Not right now. So lay it as thick as you want, I'll absorb it. I have the capacity. It's not right for you to lay it on him. I'll gladly take it for him. That's the military brotherhood.
you met in May. Young relationship still in the "getting to know you phase", no matter how much you think you know a person, there are truly some things that it takes time to find out...like how they react to major life traumas.
If a guy doesn't want sex, the sex can't happen, because a guy can't lay there and let the girl go at it, he has to have an erection. So he can't just do it to make you happy. NO amount of arguing or asking can alter that fact.
He has made his feelings clear. He wants you to leave him alone. No means no. If you have ever been hassled or pursued after clearly stating "no", then you would understand why you should respect his feelings. I think your text that you are there if he needs you was a lovely one.
I appreciate your frustration and pain. I have gone through a similar experience with my BF. We did get back together, when he was ready, and I was still single. So it may happen for you two, but these things must grow at their own pace.
He doesn't see sex as a significant factor in relationship and probably prefers cuddling and doing other things together more valuable to him. This does not mean that he isn't attracted to you. He just has lower sex drive than you. If you continued to be persistent and nagging towards him about sex it will make him resentful and even annoyed that you've placed so much importance in something that he doesn't comprehend to be crucial in a relationship.
You probably pushed him too much and he was fed up with it. His sudden current circumstance has not helped one bit either.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - Pfft. What a load of bull.
@PrincessPowers@xanga - "Because it means your attention is temporarily averted from your Marine ex."
Intentionally distracting behavior is clearly defined as harassment in state law. You are both breaking a law and attempting to take away a right that your husband puts his life on the line to defend. Free speech, you hypocritical child.
It's ironic that if a guy threatens suicide if you leave him that's when you would ignore his cry for mercy, and yet in the situation described here you would be more than willing to fuck off. I'll bet you in your mind it's only a coincidence that the only things you're willing to do to help a boyfriend are those which either benefit you or cost you nothing... it doesn't matter that you drain the fucking life out of a person that way.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - Hey, PS, he threatened suicide if she wouldn't leave him alone. Not the other way around. She is too much for him to handle right now. It isn't ironic at all. Plate = full. More? He'll reach a tipping point and he warned her.
@PrincessPowers@xanga - She's trying to help her boyfriend and intends to make him feel better. You are intentionally trying to distract and annoy her.
What the fuck else do you see going on that makes what I said bullshit other than your incessant denial?
@T3hZ10n@xanga - I see her wanting to continue to push her relationship and hold on when he said no. I'm glad to see that she, in the comments, wrote that she doesn't intend to contact him anymore. I hope that remains true.
@PrincessPowers@xanga - When you say you hope she doesn't contact him anymore, it's not surprising there's nothing else about how you hope he's okay or things in his life improve and maybe they can happily continue their relationship if that's what he wants. I see you have a chip on your shoulder.
DEFENSELESS, adj. Unable to attack.
- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
You're not defending him by attacking her... a girl he obviously cares about.
If you had an ounce of compassion or empathy you would understand that her boyfriend is in pain and she feels there's nothing she can do to help him, so responding in a bitchy tone because she's doing the same to you is pretty fucking arrogant.
@PrincessPowers - glad I'm not the only one who called this crazy out. She should stay single. Because she's selfish and had no regard for what anyone else is going through but herself. If I was him I would've ran away too.
I'm a guy, & rest assured that this guy has serious hang ups about sex. Normal men get turned on...no, wildly sex-driven when a young woman wants to have sex. He may be dreamy to you, but understand that he is emotionally crippled, and you would have been coping with that for years if married. It's not you fault, move on.
I'm a guy, & rest assured that this guy has serious hang ups about sex. Normal men get turned on...no, wildly sex-driven when a young woman wants to have sex. He may be dreamy to you, but understand that he is emotionally crippled, and you would have been coping with that for years if married. It's not you fault, move on.
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