August 25, 2013
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Selfish Much?
I was going to take my sister's kids for a weekend to California! It would have been their first time and they so wanted to go. But with three kids under the age of 14 and me alone, it would be a difficult trip without another adult. To sum the story up, my mom was unable to go (my sister's preferred other adult chaperone) and my sister wouldn't go. She wouldn't go because her husband said no. He felt that she shouldn't go if he was unable to go.
But get this. When I first proposed this trip to my sister she was so happy I suggested it. I asked why she hadn't just taken them since she wanted to go to California for the longest time. She said it was because her husband thinks that she would be jealous the whole time. That she would catch him looking at women thus ruining the whole trip with their fighting.
When she told me this, I was amazed. I knew beforehand that she had major jealousy issues and that he... is just a mess (makes it so obvious he is undressing a woman with his eyes and always gets caught and denies it when she say's something). I knew they had jealousy problems but come on, this is about their kids! Can't two adults be... well, adults for a weekend long enough to let their kids have some happiness? I realized that they basically keep their family trips to secluded places like camping and perhaps this is why. Because they are afraid of jealousy happening.
I personally think this is ridiculous. If this was a healthy relationship, he would have just said yes to her coming along with me so that their children could enjoy themselves. Or even they could take a trip to California with their kids if only jealousy and selfishness was not a factor in their relationship. They are holding back their family due to their problems with each other. These two are good parents until this stuff happens and when it does, totally irks me because the kids are punished for their stupidity.
So my question is, what the hell is up with this?! Hah.
When has jealousy gone too far in a relationship?
When has the line been crossed and entered the realm of pure, ridiculous selfishness?I understand this isn't two people dating but a marriage but no less, all relationships experience some form of jealousy and selfishness so when did you draw the line and what did you do?
Comments (10)
he's just being a jerk
To me, it sounds like they need to go to counseling.
if he knows that she would be jealous if she went with him, then why doesn't he let her go with you with the kids
why shouldn't she go if he didn't go
does he secretly love that she's jealous, so if she went without him, he wouldn't have someone to annoy him with her jealousy
if that's not it, then why
Anyone on the outside (even a sister) never really knows the insides of another person's relationship. I honestly believe there is WAY more to this than you are privy to. Things that they might benefit from working out. At any rate, they are his kids too.
If you want to do your sister a favor, you will accept this and NOT fan the fire by going on and on about it. This is ultimately something between them.
this is an off situation. Its her children, she should be there to chaperon!
personally I feel hes being a douche bag and for her to let him control her ... is bull shit!
Uhm... is it just me, or am I reading into this as 'your sister is the selfish jealous individual of the relationship'?
I would think that if she has known jealousy issues, and he has known wandering eye-undressing-issues: They would have either 1) fixed this while they were dating or 2) learned to deal with it by now.
Your sister should suck it up and allow him to go on this holiday and not bytch about him checking out other women till after the vacation is over and the kiddies are in bed-- or your BIL should suck it up and let her go even if he can't. OR-- he has to stop being a perv....
I vote he stops being a perv.
I also vote they both start compartmentalizing this issue so that they can go as a single family to vacation-- since being 'jealous cause your husband is scoping out the local scene' is in no way related to 'taking your children out for a trip to California'. Two totally separate matters that should stay separate else you scar some child's mental development with regards to Love and functional families.
Sounds to me like this is the known problem in their marriage, the solution they have come up with to deal with it is not be apart for long periods of time.
That's exactly what you want them to do, right? Be mature adults, admit the problems they have, and come up with a solution to address them?
Now you enter, and throw a wrench into a relationship dynamic that is obviously difficult for the both of them, and still a work-in-progress. And then you have the audacity to call THEM selfish?
That was probably a little harsh, but I think we all need to be extra special and considerate of the people who are married, and support them in the marital decisions they make as a couple. This one didn't happen to fall your way... and you want to spend time with your nieces/nephews. I get that. But I think you need to take a step back, realize that this big trip you planned was going to be a stressor upon their marriage, and dial it down a notch or six. How about taking the kids out for just an afternoon, or offering to babysit and arranging a date night for the two of them? I realize you may get to see your nieces/nephews this way already, but that may just be the only sort of interaction their marriage is comfortable with. Just think of it from the flipside... if you had reached a compromise with your husband about some issue, and a third party wanted you to do something that violated that agreement, wouldn't that make you a little uncomfortable, no matter how excited you were at the prospect?
It's easy to make judgments of others' relations as a spectator. How they see the situation may be completely different from everyone else.
Solidarity in a couple is important. Remember, friends and relatives have their opinions, but the parents/couple are the ones with all the work and responsibilities.
Learning to see from others' perspectives is part of being a mature person and partner.
My situation is completely different, but the bottom line is similar, and my opinion is from the other side. For example, me and my fiance have an agreement to wait until our son is 9 months to let him stay overnight with any relatives (he said 6 months and I said one year, so we compromised). Well, my fiance's mother (who lives two hours away) is constantly begging us to let her keep our son overnight right now (he's only 6 months), I said no. Somehow, she talked my fiance into agreeing with her that we let her keep our son now, even though we already agreed on 9 months. We were happy with 9 months, but now he's on her side and it's little things like this that can destroy a relationship. My point is, maybe they are doing something that works for them, so you shouldn't step in and screw it up. Maybe their relationship is unhealthy, but that's their business. And like others have said, there could be more going on than what you see.
So
he
didn't want
her
to go on this trip because
she
would get jealous of his looking at other women and
her
getting jealous would cause fighting? In other words, he stopped her from going on a trip with their children because she doesn't like it when he looks at other women, and apparently this is something he wants to do while on a trip with his wife and kids?? That sounds so wrong. Maybe they both need counselling, marital and individual. Before you say that their behavior is selfish, perhaps you may want to take a closer look, because I think their unhealthy relationship will hurt the kids more that just their selfish behavior. I don't think any of the adjectives you used can really apply to this situation anymore. Try "manipulative," "disrespectful," "inappropriate," and even "disgusting," and I think you'll see whose behavior is the most inappropriate in this whole post.
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