August 28, 2013

  • Needy Guy Friend

    This post was submitted by Lori.

    I realize that this site is for dating issues, but I'm starting to feel very emotionally drained by my guy friend—who I'm not even in a relationship with.

    My guy best friend is wonderful and I do believe everything between us is platonic. We talk about dating other people, so as a disclaimer: the reasons for his behavior are most likely not because he likes me romantically. However, I am on the side of unaffectionate while he is the opposite extreme (or so I'm realizing). I put up walls, he knocks them down. We have been friends for years now, but it is until recently that I have come to accept that I am extremely drained by our friendship. I'm seeing patterns, and I don't know how to safely dilute things and put space between us.
    He texts me every day, and once he does, the conversations between us never end. He is very affectionate towards me—sometimes even touching my hair, wanting to hug, and wanting to spend all his free time with me. I don't have a boyfriend, but it doesn't mean that because we're both single, I have to spend Friday nights hanging out with him. I remember being really busy with work one weekend and not texting him. He actually got very angry with me and gave me an ultimatum that if I really were his friend, I should be in his life.

    Note that I rarely text, call, etc. I am a bit of a pushover and only brushed this incident off as my personal fault. However, our friendship just has so many ups and downs. I do have to mention that I think this is just his personality. He's very affectionate and needy, but I'm so opposite of that. The constant needing my attention is really draining, and I feel bad for saying this... but I just don't find hanging out with him enjoyable anymore. It feels like an obligation at this point. He also has a very controlling personality and gets mad easily. I always feel like I'm walking on water around him....

    There are days when I wake up feeling this way, and other days where I ask myself why I would question my friend who just wants me to be in his life. He honestly has supported me through a lot and does SO much for me. Sometimes I have to remind myself that he doesn't like me romantically, but the things he does are just too much. But he needs me to be SO present, even more so than a significant other would—and it's just emotionally taxing because my feelings aren't as invested. However, I realize that taking a break from a friendship is not as easy as a relationship where you break up, you move on. In this case, I feel like I'm stuck and honestly cannot wait to move farther from him. I know that if this continues, one day, I might go crazy or this neediness may grow.
    Please give me some advice... am I just being too dramatic?

Comments (14)

  • I have the same problem, although the guy does claim to be my boyfriend. I don't remember agreeing to be his girlfriend...

  • Does he have this "It's you and me against the world" mentality? Because I also had a guy friend who was exactly like how you describe yours -- emotionally needy, had to drop everything I was doing at the moment to talk to him on the phone, etc...and what really rubbed me the wrong way (and I actually hated him for saying this) was that he kept telling me "I don't need anyone else but you". Creepy, right?

    And all of this was due to the fact the my former guy friend literally had no friends at all. None. Zip. Zero. We had become fast friends due to our common interests but our lives were vastly different. I had other responsibilities in my life (job, family, wth I wanted to do with my life, social life) whereas he was an introvert and never wanted to leave the comfort of his living space.
    After I had moved, the neediness grew to a point in which I had to stay on the phone with him for 3 hours every day, and have him just talk AT me. He was completely alone (since he's living with his parents) and knew no one; he would get pissed off at me when I actually told him I was busy.
    Your best bet is to gradually not respond to him. If he texts you, leave it be at get it 5 hours later. If he gets mad/questions you/whines/calls repeatedly just to ask you why you haven't responded, give him an excuse (was at the gym, went out to lunch, went shopping for shoes, went to pick up someone at the airport, etc...) and this will give him an idea that you actually have a life that doesn't revolve around him.
    I know how hard it is because you don't want to hurt his feelings, but you need to distance yourself from him or else you'll end up hating him. 

  • @beenthere2 - my friend has friends and they are cool. But he's telling his family & friends to get lost he has a girl friend...... I notice your male friend was not truly alone - he lived with his parents. Parents aren't always the ogres children make them out to be. I sometimes have to ignore some Facebook posts my children make. LOL.

  • tl;dr

     Hey, just tell him how you feel. I would feel smothered if I had a friend like that (unless we really clicked that much; but that's doubtful). Sit him down, tell him not to take offense for what you're about to say (he's an adult, right?), and explain it to him. Because if you don't, you're gonna end up blowing up on him and it'll probably be awkward from there. More awkward than if you sit him down and tell him. I know, it's easier said than done. The fact that you took the time to write this post on this site, means that it's a real issue for you (unless you're just writing filler for the site). The problem needs to be taken care of, and only you know this fella well enough in order how to go about approaching him (all we have is your description of him and his actions). Or you can take the chicken's way out and slowly put distance between you guys. His ultimatums sound like bluffs. But if they're not and he's willing to through away all that you guys have built up over the years(?), then he's not really a true friend. Yeah, people get butthurt - but they also get over it. Normal people do, anyway.

  • Tell him how you feel.

    Or help him get a girlfriend.

  • Your problem is wether your realize it or not you don't just empathize, you take on everything that is going on with him. That is why you feel drained. I understand from a human point, where you are coming from and why this has continued for so long. I used to have the same issue, sometimes I do here and there. I give too much. I care too much. I spend large amounts of my time doing thankless tasks so no one else has to. I give too many chances, whereas someone else would have said get your shit and leave long ago.

    It's very admirable that you are KIND, because most people are not like that. You can stand in an ocean of most people and not get your feet wet. Kindness though does have it's limits. You can't keep handing out energy you don't have. I had to learn this the hard way. After a string of friendships, myself giving giving giving only to be slapped across the face I learned. "It hit me without warning the bullet in my skin, I feel my own blood coating me my body is giving in. I feel so much all at once shock grief and rage. As I look up to see my killer my reflection takes center stage." I wrote that after I was burned BADLY.

     I realized that in all my giving it wasn't just 'them' stabbing me in the back, it was me. You've stabbed him, and yourself.  See people are weak. They will do ANYTHING to not have to face their problems, even forcing themselves on another to use that persons legs to stand on. It cripples him, and it cripples you. IF he is your TRUE LOYAL friend, you should talk to him.

    You need to let him know that there comes a time when a person needs to put on a brave face, and that as much as you want to you can't do it for him. If he insists he is so unhappy then tell him it's time to make a change. And you need to take more time for yourself. It's like someone chipping at a statue. You can't allow yourself to feel because you're dealing with everyone elses crap, and piece by piece you are stripped away until you aren't quite certain how you are staying upright. It's very unhealthy for you. If you need to talk send me a pm, I don't mind passing on some advice.

  • That's a major issue conceited bitches have these days. 'I can't take it anymore. It's ruining my life! I just don't want to look like a bad guy or mean.' - um, if what really determines your course of action is how you look in all of this, I'm gonna go ahead and say it's you, not him.

    -

    NEEDY, adj. Preoccupied with selfish interests; a person who is unavailable for one's own use.

    -

  • @IniquitousxAffliction@xanga - "You can't keep handing out energy you don't have."

    Apparently she can or you wouldn't feel the need to say it.

  • I used to be that needy guy friend, and in retrospect I feel guilty for it all the time.

    You never know though, needy people are usually that way because something's broken inside and it healed all wrong, like a bone that set funny or those funky pains old people get during storms.

    As much as I hate to do this to someone I can personally identify with, you need to leave and let that person's life be completely destroyed before he can rebuild himself into the decent human being he may or may not be inside.

    Also he could probably be mentally stuck on some kind of fixation/frustration/neurosis that needs an adjustment.

    Other than the quick fix of trying getting one of your friends to sleep with him or something (that kind of fix never lasts long but can buy you time to think it over) you can't do much other than to find a way to let it all go.

    What else can you do, right?

    Just trust me, in the long run it's better for both of you.

    OH. and don't hate him, just imagine it like a year long break or something until he gets his ish together.

    Neediness is self destructive... LIKE A MOTH TO THE FLAME

    NOW LOOK AT THE MINI I LEFT. IT'S SO APPROPRIATE.

  • I had a guy friend, who said he only saw me as a friend. He behaved just like you describe above. Just when I was about to move away, he "came clean" (his words) that he was in love with me, had been for a long time, had to let me know how he felt, etc.

    I don't know that he was "too needy", but it wasn't realistic of my friend to sent me angry and hateful texts because I had not responded to his texts immediately and tell me what a lousy friend I was. I mean, I can't text while driving you know? Or when i am on a date with someone, or dinner with my mom.

    Him wanting to spend time with me wasn't the problem. Him getting angry and accusing when I was spending time with others...was the red flag.

  • Get him an SO...or into a hobby.

  • Be honest...and if his behavior doesn't change? Then, change your phone number..and don't go to the places where you usually see him. Sounds draining.

  • Just tell him how you feel.

  • @greatredwoman@xanga - Flighty bitches are draining.

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