January 25, 2017
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Boyfriend Has a Child with Someone Else
This post was submitted by Sam.So I met this guy when I was in the 5th grade. We would would hang out, but it was an on-and-off kind of deal. 10th grade rolls around and I started talking to him again. We started dating and about four months into our relationship, I learned that he had gotten a previous girlfriend pregnant! I asked him about it and of course because we are both young as well as the mom, he didn't want to talk about it.
Well, it's been 2 1/2 years and I really do love him and want to spend my life with him; he's such a great guy! He pays child support. Now the child's mother has started talking to him again saying she wishes it hadn't ended, and wants the family back together as a whole. I get jealous very easily so of course I'm getting mad. He wants me to visit the baby with him and the mom. I would just feel weird.
Should I be a part of the kid's life? The child is now two and he has maybe seen him five times tops.
Comments (17)
This is why I don't date guys with kids. There are mothers out there who use the kid as a token to try to get a guy back and I've seen it happen with someone else's relationship. I didn't know the people but I really believe had it not been the kid that guy had with the other woman, he and his one girlfriend would have ended up together because they were very close, but that psycho ex kept pushing the family back together because of the kid, and well, because she doesn't know what "It's over" means and tries to force something that's not there for the sake of the kid. I would only date someone with "kids" if the kids were all grown adults and parents' attentions didn't matter and they were able to take care of themselves, even then, I'm iffy about that situation.
You started dating him about 2.5 years ago in 10th grade, so you're now... 18? 19? 20, maybe?I think that how you feel is reasonable. The mother of his child has a connection with him that you do not have. At the same time, he's trying to include you. It's not unreasonable to be intimidated by it - I would be - but try to relax, breathe, and realize he's not choosing the mother over you. It doesn't seem like you have anything to fear from her... regardless of what she wants with your boyfriend, he has to be a willing participant for it to be an issue.The child will be part of his life. He seems like he's being a good father, and that's fantastic. Your best option is to talk to him about it and let him help you become more at ease with it all, and, if necessary, request that he makes sure to clarify to the mother that it's about the child, not the romance they once had.If it IS too much for you to deal with, remember this: You are still incredibly young and you have a lot of time to find someone without a child if you can't handle it. Since he seems like he's doing as well of a job as can be expected balancing his responsibilities as a father as well as his commitment to you, I don't think you should bail on him... but if you find it to be one, I think it's reasonable to make the child a dealbreaker. (I'm not sure I'd take on a partner with a child.)Good luck.
If you are going to be a serious part of his life, you are going to be a serious part of his child's life. You can't expect him to ignore his children to spend time with you. If he would do this, would he really be the kind of person you would want to be with? There is nothing wrong with your feelings. When I was younger, even in my mid 20s, there was no way I would date anyone with children because I didn't want the responsibility.
My advice, as you a verging adult I say take the adult route and take a step back away from this. One thing you learn is that young persons with kids often have complicated and constantly unresolved relationships. You'll just end up stuck in the middle of something that could get very immature and messy, especially if the 'baby mama' it making a play towards him. Be very cautious of young parents claiming maturity, taking care of a responsibility does not solely make you mature in other matters.No matter how much your boyfriend might seem like he is committed to you he will undoubtedly share the same sentiment of wanting to have a family unit with the other girl and their child. Your 2.5 years has nothing on the life commitment he already has enrolled in by choosing to be in the child's life.I'd really suggest leaving him. I've never seen your scenario play out successfully for the person in your position. It will just mess you about. Move on, have a story to tell and start life fresh as an adult without external complications.
As a young woman who is engaged to a man who has a child with someone else, I would say just talk to him. My fiancé was a young father (he had just turned 20 when his daughter was born). Honestly, the ex will always be in the picture but that does t mean he will ever want her back. It sounds like he's trying really hard for his kid, and I think if you really love him you should as well. It would be extremely beneficial for you to meet his child, and also the mom. You need to figure out what your role is with the child...for my fiancé's daughter, I quickly became a "stepmom" sort of figure. But I am in contact with her mom, and we are on good terms. There doesn't have to be drama if you don't want there to be. My advice is figure out whether or not you can handle having a child as a large part of your life. If not, you should end your relationship because for your boyfriend, his child should always come first. If you think you're ready to take on partial responsibility of a child, then good luck! It can be a struggle but honestly it is a fantastic life, and I love my little adopted family.
Don't date someone with children if you can't handle their ex being around constantly for the rest of your life. He has a child with this woman and he has a parental responsibility to be there physically, financially and emotionally for the rest of this kids life. If you can't deal with that and with an ex who he will HAVE to communicate with until the child is at least eighteen years old, then do him a favour and leave now. It's natural that you're a bit jealous because you're not used to having to "share" your man, but you're going to have to get used to it. If you guys stay together, the kid is going to come stay with you, visit you and get to know you as a potential step-parent. If you can't handle all the responsibility of helping to raise a kid, then don't stay with him any longer. If you think you can handle it, take things slowly and make sure you tell your boyfriend your concerns, but DON'T make him pick between spending time with you and with his child. He will have to spend time with his ex and kid, and at first, she might not want you around, which is totally her call. She's raising this child, and it doesn't sound like your partner has been that involved. Five times in two years is pretty pitiful.
It's his child - if you want to be in his life, you're going to be in the child's life. It's uncomfortable that the mother wants to get back together with your boyfriend (if that's even what she actually wants), but that's not the fault of the child.
@Edeline_Wrigh@xanga - This is really great, solid advice! I totally agree.
@Edeline_Wrigh@xanga - What she said.
You guys are in high school. ... or barely starting college. Chill. Focus on school and your life.
unless the child is biological or we adopted the child together and the child is ours, then I honestly wouldn't want to be a part of his ex gf's child's life. in that case, I just won't date someone with a kid. it depends if you're willing to be a part of his ex and their baby's life, so it is your decision, not ours.
Wel thank god he is being a responsible Father and I applaud him for that. This is his child, a part of him, and you knew that when you got back together with him. Hell yes you better be involved with his childs life.Lik eit or leave it. The most important here is the child and not you.
The fact that he's only ever seen the kid 5 times in 2 years should be a huge red flag for you.People keep saying he's being a good/responsible father because he's paying child support - he's not. This is a kid who, it seems, is going to grow up not knowing his father... is that really the type of person you want to be with? What if things get serious with you/you want a family. Do you really want your own children to have a father who, if things go south, will hardly ever be bothered to see them?Just putting that out there.Since no one else is.
must jealousy entails anger?
As long as he's keeping you in the loop about everything, that's a good sign. Do you really want to take yourself out of the loop? Trust will be much easier if you are involved in that part of his life as well, and I think maybe he understands that, since he asked you.
If you are serious about this guy, you will have contact with his baby...for the rest of your life. I know because I married someone with TWO children and 35 years later, they are still part of my life. He would never ask you to meet his child if he didn't think you were important to him. It was a high compliment. Jealousy comes from insecurity. Jealousy can ruin a relationship. Tread softly..be careful..Think three times before you commit. This little baby will need a supportive step mom..and it's NOT easy to be a step mom. There will be years of child support..often now through college..Good luck in your final decision. You marry this man?? You marry his child and his family, too....AND the ex-girlfriend because they will HAVE to communicate until the kid is out of college. The ex-girlfriend will become a part of your life, too. I know...because I had never been married before and married a guy with two small kids...7 and 4.Every situation is different.. Are you ready to face this?? Is this what you want from and in your life?? Are you ready to be a LOVING stepmom?? Kids do not need a wicked stepmother...you wouldn't have wanted one, either.. the kid is the innocent party in all of this. didn't ask to be born..esp into a challenging circumstance...Christy
i think itz great that he wants you to meet his ex and his child. he wants you a part of this. i think you should meet them. you should draw boundaries with him about seeing his ex but the child is his child and is innocent thru all this
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