July 29, 2013
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Why My Generation Never Breaks Up
While getting ready to leave for work this week, my mailman dropped off my weekly NY Mag and on the cover I saw the very bottom half of what appears to be an orgy, legs dangling against a white background with the word Sex in red print clearly yet sort-of-but-not-so-subtly displayed on the cover, taunting me to read. Don't mind if I do. Not only do I love having sex, I love reading about it. Subway reading material for the week? Check. As I turned to page 28, there it was: All My Exes Live in Texts. I read on.
During one train ride this week (I was enthralled by the article) I read through that particular featured New York Magazine article and came to this conclusion: my generation is nuts, myself included. I also came to this conclusion: unless we delete our Facebooks, block Google from searching our names, throw our cell phones out a window watching as they smash into a million little pieces on the pavement, destroy our memory cards (you know, just in case you lose your phone...you have your contacts and naked spring break pics) and dump our computers (maybe just stop all Internet usage) we're not safe. We're not at a safe distance from our dating past.
It's too tempting to not look up an ex or search for them endlessly to see what they have been up to or use our phones to torture ourselves by reading through old text messages. Today, when we break up with someone or they break up with us it is difficult to actually cut them out of our lives because, well, we don't want to. Breaking up with someone means cutting them out of our everyday but it's close to impossible with a smartphone at your fingertips. You stay in touch. Somehow. You stalk. We all do it. Today, is there such thing as distance after the break up? I define distance as 'by no means of contact'. Impossible, yes, unless you have super human willpower:
There was a time, I am told, when exes lived in Texas and you could avoid them by moving to Tennessee. Cutting ties is no longer so easy—nor, I guess, do we really want it to be. We gorge ourselves on information about the lives of our exes. We can’t help ourselves. There’s the ex who “likes” everything you post. The ex who appears in automated birthday reminders. The ex who appears in your OkCupid matches. The ex whose musical taste you heed on Spotify. The ex whose new girlfriend sent a friend request. The ex you follow so you know how to win him back. The ex you follow so you know how to avoid her in person. The ex you watched deteriorate after the breakup. (Are you guilty or proud?) The ex who finally took your advice, after the breakup. (Are you frustrated or proud?) The ex whose new partner is exactly like you. (Are you flattered or creeped out?) The ex whose name appears as an autocorrection in your phone. (Are you sure you don’t talk about him incessantly? Word recognition suggests otherwise.) The ex whose new partner blogs about their sex life. The ex who still has your naked pictures. The ex who untagged every picture from your relationship. The ex you suspect is reading your e-mail. The ex you watch lead the life you’d dreamed of having together, but seeing it now, you’re so glad you didn’t.
It's easy for the exes to be present in the everyday when you're simply staying connected to the world via your fingertips. Additionally, today my generation has more exes (in theory) than in generations past. A lot of us millenials marry later on so we're more likely to rack up more partners than in years past. The Internet and our phones are infested with ex lovers and ex boyfriends that simply are not as easy to get away from. We stay connected but we try not to. But maybe we just take a peek to see what they're up to and if they're happy but we don't want them to be happy, we are supposed to be the "winners" in the break-up because there are winners and losers when it comes to breaking up, of course.
It's easier now to sit at home crying over the break-up, in stalker/depression feeding into each other mode, clicking through your ex's Facebook pictures with him or her going out and being happy with a new hook-up, while you're sitting at home in your shitty oversized t-shirt having had no motivation to shave your legs or wash your hair for a few days. What's the point, right? I mean you're going to die alone anyway. Just kidding. I was thinking about Marnie from Girls when she and Charlie broke up.
Moral of the story is, when it's over it's over. Gather some of that super human strength and send your exes to the recycling bin or become friends with your delete button. There are also apps. such as KillSwitch and Ex Lover Blocker to help you avoid contact with the ex, in case you need a little extra help.
It's just too easy to keep in touch these days.
Comments (10)
I used to stalk my exes so bad. Now I have none of their friends or family on my facebook, I never look at their profiles and I have no idea what's going on in their lives. I don't even know what any of them look like now. Somewhere along the line I realised I didn't care anymore. There;s no point dwelling on the past. The few things that I do know about them my friends have told me because they are still friends on fb. Which annoys me because if I'm not even stalking my own ex, why the hell are my friends? It's wierd if you ask me.
Such a good article. Loved the fourth paragraph.
Definitely a great article! It's absolutely true-there are way too many ways to keep in contact with your ex after a breakup. It's more difficult to keep away from contact these days, but hopefully it should teach people to be stronger and learn better self control. I mean, I went to the extreme with my break-up, which I don't think everyone needs to do-it was what I needed to do. I deleted facebook, twitter, and instagram, and let me tell you-I haven't peeked or stalked once. I don't see the point. It's kind of like emotional self-mutilation. What do I care if my ex is happy or not? There's a reason they are called exes. I care too much about myself to wallow in sorrow and make myself sad. After a break-up, all I care about is myself and the people that are actually in my life. And you know what having a lack of social networking taught me? It taught me what it feels like to have real friends. It taught me to actually live my life and experience it instead of wasting time taking pictures and picking a filter to "capture" the moment. Things are surprisingly more enjoyable when you see them with your own eyes. And most importantly, it taught me to let go.
News alert. Not all of us obsessively stalk our exes or bother with searching for the details of their lives. Also, even before it was so damn easy, people inclined to obsess over such still managed to do it...asking friends, calling and hanging up, doing "drive bys" etc. So it's not a new phenomenon. It's about the psychological state of an individual NOT the availability of information.I'm old enough to have been around before the net, and trust me, clingy people did it back then too, and people who are ready to move on do so, no matter what technology is available to them.
I don't see such an issue with it. I'm good friends with most of my exes. I hang out with some of them regularly and care about them. We didn't work out romantically, whatever. I'd never WANT to delete them from my life.
"You stay in touch. Somehow. You stalk. We all do it."Why, no, in fact, we don't all do it. In fact, I find it weird that so many people I know do keep tabs on their exes. Why? Why put yourself through that? Move the fuck on! I also don't understand people that are so insistent on "remaining friends" with an ex that things ended so horribly with. They imply (and sometimes outright say) that it's bitter and immature to cut contact with someone that you used to date and screwed you over, or you screwed them over, or in some way, things ended ugly. I would argue the opposite. It's not bitter, it's smart. It's emotionally protecting yourself from drama that you really don't need in your life. It's more mature to rise above that drama and refuse to be a part of it. This is different of course, if things ended pretty amicably between the two of you.I had three notable relationships before my husband. Two ended terribly (one of them, rather violently), and one was okay. The guy that things ended okay with, we're still friends on Facebook, though we rarely if ever see eachother. I have no interest in checking up on him, but I'm always pleased to hear from him. He's a pretty awesome person, we just didn't work out. The guy that things ended violently with (let's be honest, they were violent long before the end), I cut all contact with, deleted, blocked, continued to block every time he would make a new profile and contact me. I never responded to him, just always blocked and tried to move on. The final relationship, where things just ended badly, was my most "serious" relationship before my husband. He also contacted me several times afterwards, and I would respond for a while, if they were civil and pleasant contacts, but I refused to fight with him when he tried, or entertain his notions that we should get back together when he would call and text me while drunk. Eventually I stopped talking to him as well, cause there was just no point in it. I've never tried to find him on Facebook to check up on him or anything. He sent me a friend request a couple years ago, and I ignored it, cause I knew it wouldn't lead to any good, and really had no interest in having contact with him. Haven't sought out or heard from him since.It's not impossible, and it doesn't even take super human willpower to not obsess or "stalk" your ex. It just takes a little maturity.
@ccccourage@xanga - agreed. never had a problem cutting off all contact with exes.
@Pure_Taint@xanga – Precisely. Some of my ex-s are my closest friends. And those with whom I separated on poor terms…I just don't see anymore; FB and the like have a "defriend" option for a reason. Still, the idea that all relationships end estranged was always an odd notion to me; I don't like cutting people who were such large parts of my life out.
O.o This made me want to go live on an island with no Internet connection and toss my iPhone into the ocean.
@ohhey - I give you a lot of credit. You're the exception to the rule when it comes to breaking up!
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