July 29, 2013
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Her Last Resort
My friend Drew was telling me about a conversation he had with this girl friend of his, Kady. They've been friends for years now, and he's had feelings for her but he never wanted to saying anything. He didn't want to muddy the waters with feelings and potentially jeopardize their friendship. The two were out for drinks and she was talking about some guys she had gone on dates with lately who weren't up to par with her expectations.He went to the bar and bought her a Gin & Tonic, her favorite drink, and brought it back to her. That's the sort of person he is, a big sweetheart, always worrying about other people's needs. She put her hands on her heart and looked at him sweetly as she said, "Drew, you're always such a sweetie to me! I'm so tired of dating, I'll never meet anyone that's as nice to me as you are. In 10 years, if we're both single, I'm going to marry you!" She started laughing and he laughed along with her because he didn't know what else to do. He texted me right after she said this and asked me what I thought it meant.
To me it sort of seemed like a back-handed compliment. You're a nice guy, nice enough to marry if I'm alone and unmarried in 10 years, but at this current point in time, I'm not interested. That's how I interpreted it anyway. She was making it seem as if he was her last resort, a Plan B in case she never meets the guy of her dreams.
What do you all think? If someone said they would marry you in 10 years, if you were both single, would you take that as a compliment, or be offended? Do you have a friend who you jokingly say you will marry, in the event that you never meet Mr./Mrs. Right? Do you worry about what will happen if you've reached a certain age and you haven't met "The One?"
Comments (14)
It's funny you should write about this because something like this just happened to me a few weeks ago. One of my friends is the one that brought it up, though. He said, "In a year if we still aren't with anyone, let's make a pact and date each other, I'm lonely." I told him pretty much I don't think so. I'm not going to ruin a friendship when I know that's not going to go anywhere since I only view him like a platonic friend. I definitely said to him he shouldn't date someone just because it seems like that's all there is out there right now. He's heard of my troubles and I've heard of his, but that doesn't necessarily mean we are compatible as more than friends together.That woman though, who said that to your friend Drew is a bitch. Ten years? Wow. She may as well date the guy now for bringing that up because she's probably not going to get anything if she says things like that to people, and if he is that desperate he'll say yes, which I hope he won't say yes.
Marrying someone just for the heck of being married doesn't make any sense to me. If you don't love someone, it's stupid to get married to them. This is why the divorce rate is so high. People don't know the person they're marrying well enough. If you never find the right person, you'll be happier alone than with your "last resort" husband/wife.Who knows, you may just run into the right person for you later in life. If that's the case... you wouldn't want to be married when you meet them. Or divorced. That wouldn't be fun.xX Ame ~*~ Hana Xx
my "ill settle for it" husband would be a 30+ year-old billionaire who wants an in-name-only marriage (with perhaps some benefits on my side if he is attractive enough) and signs over half of his money to me upon marriage and all of it in the pre-nup if he decides to divorce me.that way i can enjoy buying all the expensive crap i want and have an army of hot poolboy (and girl) sex-toys on the side.
I don't think she meant it in a mean spirited way so why take it as an insult. I think if I was still single and my female friend proposed the 10yr pact, I would be cool with the idea even if I didn't take it seriously. The way I see it, it will give you a safety net against ending up alone (a fear many people have) even if you will most likely never end up using it. When you know for sure you will not be alone, you are more free to get with someone because you want to be with them as oppose to just being afraid of ending up alone with 10 cats. Personally, I'd rather make a pack with my friend Chen to just beat me with a baseball bat if I'm still alone in 10 years.
I think that you are reading way too much into this. People say this sort of thing all the time when they are "between" lovers. It's in jest, but yes, she thinks he's a great guy. That's it.
generally speaking, as long as the addressee of the remark gets laid on the reg, it's probably not much of an insult...similar to telling someone skinny that s/he's fat. it's a *huge* insult to someone who struggles in that arena, for sure.as for this particular instance, it's unclear if boy still has feelings for girl, but if so, then he probably took it pretty personally.
It's a nasty little evolutionary thing. In a way, it's the sexual selection analogue of gambling addiction. Intuitively, we're programmed to not anticipate an end because not only does that prevent stupid people from creating self-fulfilling prophecies but it also results in optimal risk management. Kind of like playing dice; when there is a very high roll, some people have it so ingrained in their mind that they should stay despite having 4 dice left to roll (four 6-sided dice >50% chance of rolling a 1 or a 5). You should always roll when the odds are in your favor regardless of how many points are at stake. To back out because one doesn't want to lose their high roll is to turn one's back on logic and reason. To continue that pattern would be to roll a measly 50 points and stay each time (you'll never win that way unless the other players never stay). By nature, a person is programmed to want to keep going until settling is the only option. By nurture, a person is taught to risk as little as possible, even when the odds (and limits for that matter) are totally unknown and often even when they are in their favor.The girl doesn't know whether she has already hit the jackpot in finding him or whether there is more to be won... which shows that she either doesn't know what she wants or what she wants is a trophy in the eyes of others. Either way, her selfishness is deleterious to his emotional health. After all, settling for a friend, even if he is the perfect guy in every way... there's clearly no glory in that.If my comment was too long for you to read or too complicated for you to understand...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j0s41oN1M_o^ this sums it up quite well.
damn it why are the sweet guys pining after oblivious girls. I would not like to be a back up plan though.
@scribbles - People like what they can't have, that's just how it goes. Hence why some women bounce from one bad boy to another and why the nice guys go after these women instead of the sweet nerdy girl that's he doesn't even notice and probably has a huge crush on him.
Someone I was friends with in college asked me to enter such a pact. I said no, because if I ever marry, I want it to be because I can no longer imagine my life without that person, not because I felt like I had to be married by a certain age.
well he hasn't made a move in all these years, she probably said that thinking he wasn't interested in her.
One of my friends in high school/early college and I once mutually agreed to marry each other when we turned 30 if neither of us were married. We knew we could work well as a couple, but also knew that trying an actual relationship (at that point in time) wasn't a wise decision. We still talk, but he has a girlfriend, and he is no longer someone I would even consider.I think the main difference was that this was something we both agreed on rather than one of us suggesting it.
Ehh. I don't think she meant anything by it.
She said it because it will take her another 10 years to realize she is looking for something that doesn't exist. Girls our age are looking for all the wrong qualities, and expecting to be able to insert the lacking qualities later. Girls want a guy that is cool, attractive, funny, confident, outgoing, has some money, etc etc etc. They don't think about qualities that keep a relationship going such as loyalty, respect, morality, stability, hard working, smart... until the initial attraction wears off. They cling onto that attraction. Your friend doesn't have that initial attraction to this guy. But he has the long lasting qualities that she is looking for in the wrong people. After another 10 years, she will realize that she can be attracted to the right kind of guy if she stops looking at men more deeply. It's a coming of age process I think... slower for some people, faster for others. And for the lucky few, you meet the one in high school and never have to deal with the BS of figuring yourself/men out.
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