August 21, 2013
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He's Just Not That Into Me
It's a little after nine o'clock on the night of my fourteen-month anniversary, I am sitting alone in the living room. I made dinner, got out the china and the candles, put on a dress, did my hair and makeup. After dinner he came in the living room, turned on the football game and promptly proceeded to fall asleep. He went into the bedroom and is now passed out. I know he works hard, but is it too much to ask or a little romance on our anniversary?At dinner I brought up, again, how much I would love for him to go with me to the local club and hear my favorite band play. I always envisioned myself no longer having to go alone as I enviously watched couples dancing and making out on the dance floor. My best friend and I always go to hear our favorite band when they are in town, but I really wanted him to come with us too. He says it is not his "scene," whatever the hell that means. I told him that if he really wanted me to do something, even if it was something I really didn't want to do, I would do it anyways, just to make him happy.I asked him how he would feel if some guy offered to buy me a drink while we were out, he looked at me, shrugged, and said he wouldn't care. "YOU WOULDN'T CARE?" I shouted in utter disbelief! He said he was looking at it from a financial standpoint and it would save us money. What the hell?! After I kept pressing him if he wouldn't really care, he finally said, "Yes, I care, if a guy offers to buy you a drink, tell him to fuck off." I seriously don't know what to think any more.
I would love to get a guy's perspective on this. Would YOU care if another guy offered to buy your girl a drink, or is it really "no big deal?" I just feel like he doesn't really care that much anymore. I know we are tight on money, but all we ever do is sit around and watch TV, well, I watch TV, he normally passes out after about 15 minutes. And every single Friday, Saturday, and sometime Sunday night, he gets on his Xbox with his buddy and plays Black Ops. If he can stay awake to play Black Ops, then he can stay awake to give me a little romance.
It is not that uncommon for us to go nine days or more without being intimate. I am deeply unhappy. We don't fight that much, but I feel like something is missing. And yes, I have tried to talk to him about it and he says, "We're fine, there's nothing wrong."
What should I do? I am really, really hurt that he doesn't think that some other guy buying me a drink is that big of a deal. I feel like I am no longer his number one priority. Am I overreacting or do I have just cause to be upset? Image Source
Comments (27)
Do people actually celebrate 14-month anniversaries? lol
Dump him and move on. He sounds like a child. If he's not putting in the effort, you don't need to, either.
We weren't really celebrating, celebrating. He brought it up so I made a nice dinner and put on a dress. And that wasn't really my point, but thanks for you sarcastic input anyways.
You're playing games with him, dangerous games, by teasing or joking or prodding or whatever you want to call it with your entire third paragraph - the questioning of how he would feel if someone else bought you a drink.
You guys have poor communication and unfair expectations. He doesn't know what you want, do you know what you want? You can't be pissed with him if you don't tell him ahead of time what is important. And you have to understand what his expectations are, too, what he wants from you in the relationship.
It doesn't matter if it's xbox, football, if he's playing sports, whatever it is. If it's his hobby, his way to blow off steam, you can't really justify holding it against him. If you want to do more, plan it yourself. I know it sucks, that what you might want is for him to put a little effort in. But ask yourself, are you willing to put the effort in yourself?
And it's better to know these things before you're in it deeper. I'm just sayin'. If you're really unhappy, you know you can end it. Why not?
So what about him asking how you would feel if a hot attractive girl flirts and offers herself up to the bed with him at the pub? How would you react to that? Just think. I think you would be silenced in utter disbelief.
it's not his "scene," means he's isn't into the drunken, loud, and crowded environment where people mingle and do flirty things such as buy each other drinks. he probably didn't want to seem like the jealous type, so he said that he didn't care even though he does care, but doesn't want to overreact and seem controlling if he says that he doesn't want you to go to these places where guys are more prone to hit on you. he seems more of a homebody, who is content with playing video games and sleeping, and he is okay with never going to see one of these bands. wanting romance once in a while isn't too much to ask, but from my experiences, age might have something to do with it. the guys that I know in their 20's seem to have way too much spare time on their hands to do much of nothing. the older men that I know in their late 30's-late40's seem more productive and mature. my older bf treats me like I'm a superstar
and makes me feel like the most important person in his life. he does have other important people in his life, but he makes sure that I feel appreciated. he admires a lot of things about me and lets me know. it isn't one of those silent things that he doesn't have to express and I'm supposedly suppose to know. in other words, my bf talks a lot and he likes expressing most of his thoughts to me, which I don't mind. it can get annoying sometimes, but different people express things in different ways. I'll do random things for my bf and he'll do random things for me to show that he's thinking about me. he doesn't seem like the type to play along just to please you for a special occasion or even to see a band. I wouldn't start playing video games because he likes playing them because video games aren't my thing. maybe you aren't compatible if you don't share other interests to bond together. if you have those interests, share them.
Guys don't fully comprehend hypothetical situations. Unless a guy literally offers you a drink, your boyfriend is literally not going to care, but that's not saying that he doesn't care, it's just saying that it's not happening so he's not worried about it. If you were actually in a situation where a guy walked up to you and, in a flirty way, offered you a drink, your boyfriend would probably get jealous, but the male kind of jealous where he wants to go home and bang your brains out and is all, "ME MAN, ME OWN YOU, NO ONE ELSE". Boys are assholes. Sorry, I know my bitterness isn't attractive. I shouldn't be giving anyone advice. If I were you I'd probably be googling ways to make him crazy about me, and then take advice to have wild crazy sex and constantly cook good food and then watch everything fail miserably. But, what you should do is talk to him about it, tell him what you're telling us, although it is like nailing water to a tree to get a man to understand your point of view.
Sounds like you two aren't really compatible as a couple, doesn't necessarily means that either of you are bad people. It's not a good match because when it is, romance happens as a result of you two enjoying each other's company, not a forced demand like a fancy dinner and flowers. I've been in relationships were I wasn't happy and couldn't see any light at the end of the tunnel but stayed with it because I was afraid to be alone. After my last failed relationship, I promised myself that if I was unhappy in a relationship and I did not see a way to work towards a remedy, I would do us both a favor and end things.
That being said, have you ever tried doing things with him you know he enjoys doing? Maybe play some video games with him (I think it's hot when my GF plays) or whatever other hobby he's into. He'll feel more incline to share your interest if you share his.
I think it's sweet that you got dressed up for your anniversary but since it was an odd month (as opposed to say, a 1 year anniversary) maybe he didn't realize what you were going for. Maybe he thought the dinner was your way of showing appreciation, but didn't think the night required much more than that. Did he have a rough day? If he wasn't expecting a romance type night, he probably didn't see the big deal in passing out after dinner.
There is absolutely no way I could get my boyfriend to go to a club with me. He hates the scene too, the atmosphere, all of it. If your boyfriend really doesn't want to go somewhere, that he's sure he won't like, then he shouldn't go. Chances are he'll ruin your time too and it'll just be a bad night for the both of you.
As for another guy buying you a drink thing. Some guys are comfortable in their relationship and realize a guy trying to buy their girl a drink isn't really a big deal. A guy who trusts his girlfriend knows that no matter what another guy does, his girlfriend won't cross a line.
From what I read the big problem that needs to be more addressed is your unhappiness. I think you need to express better why you feel unappreciated and how deeply it's affecting you. At the same time, you guys live together, and some things you probably can cut him some slack on.
Best of luck
haha. i'd be flattered if guys want to hit on my date. in fact, i openly encourage her to pursue if she wants (because in all likelihood, there are girls i want to talk to at the club as well). i would hope she declines offers for drinks though--only because i'm not into girls who let guys buy their shit for them.
as for the club, as some others have pointed out, a lot of people just don't like that atmosphere. i personally *love* getting shitfaced and dancing my ass off till 4 in the morning, but i totally get that that's not everyone's scene. (and it irks me to *no* end when those people show up anyway. nobody wants you there, get the fuck out, jesus.) i just make sure not to befriend people who can't handle it!
@HollowTendencies@xanga - why'd you delete your lesbian comment??? cause i was going to say, i have the same feelings toward girls, hahaha.
@PrincessPowers@xanga - I have brought this up before, but you're right, the games need to stop and the communication needs to become clearer. We sat down last night and I told him that I didn't care if he played his Xbox as long as we were getting equal time as a couple. He understood and we made a deal to stop watching so much tv and do more things as a couple, even if its as simple as going for a walk. I didn't and don't want to break up, I just needed to stop being passive-aggressive and speak up.
@reesa14@xanga - thank you! Finally someone that has a bit of common sense and doesn't immediately jump to the conclusion "oh, you're unhappy, just break up with him!" Is it any wonder divorce rates are so high?! We sat down last night after I got off work and he apologized for falling asleep. He said he came out about one in the morning and saw me asleep on the couch in my dress and felt horrible. He said he kissed me on the forehead and went back to bed. We talked and I told him what I needed and we agreed to start doing things as a couple again. We've just gotten into a horrible habit of watching tv because we're broke and it's cheap entertainment. lol Thnak you for your advice.
@nonurbusinessyo@xanga - I do play with him sometimes, but he and his buddy are hardcore gamers! lmao But I also enjoy playing Black Ops, best game ever!
@singlegirl29 - sweetheart, you're not married. This has nothing to do with divorce attitudes. If it's this hard now, it isn't really going to get easier. This isn't your first post on Datingish struggling with this relationship. I wish I could help you see, but you need your own knowledge or it won't sink in. It won't get easier. The struggle intensifies.
The dating period is when a couple finds out if they are going to work out for the long haul. 14 months isn't that long a time. If you want a relationship in which a partner is more romantic or attentive, it appears that is not who your boyfriend is, and you might be happier with a different man, and he might be happier not feeling like he's failing you.
Sure, talk about it, see if he wants to make an effort, and if you are cool with giving up some of your dreams about this issue, but do not disregard this as unimportant.
@singlegirl29 - You're welcome, and I'm glad you guys are in the process of resolving things. I noticed in your post a lot of things that have occurred/resemble my relationship so it made it easy for me to try and see where both sides are coming from. There have been many times my boyfriend chose video games as opposed to quality time with me, and I won't lie, I was in the wrong when I'd nag him about it. He deserves his "me time" so I try to let him be as long as it doesn't get too excessive.
When you added in a comment that he was the one to bring up your 14th month anniversary it let me know he cares about you. Hell, my boyfriend only realizes year anniversaries.
Every relationship has it's problems but nothing stands out to me that you aren't good for each other. Living together can put a strain on the relationship, especially romance. What counts is that each person makes an effort when someone is dissatisfied. From what you wrote he is trying to do better because he cares about you.
@PrincessPowers@xanga - Didn't know a person needs to be married to be loyal. I mean, if a person doesn't believe in marriage but they do believe in commitment, I guess they should never stay with one person, because after all, marriage is what matters. The word, not the actions.
"If it's this hard now, it isn't really going to get easier."
How would you know unless you've stayed past that point of difficulty?
@HollowTendencies@xanga - "Guys don't fully comprehend hypothetical situations."
As the superior foragers and eons upon eons of picking berries, women are blessed with the ability to perceive minute differences in color more precisely than men. Males might eat more, but that really waters down their ability.
As the superior storytellers and eons upon eons of sitting around the campfire telling tales, men are blessed with the ability to perceive minute differences in imagined situations more precisely than women. Females might socialize more, but that really waters down their ability.
It's not that men don't fully comprehend hypothetical situations, it's just that there are millions of shades that WE can tell the difference between. You giving us a bare-bones hypothetical situation and asking what we think is like asking you what you would think about painting the living room "green". It doesn't matter how in-depth he describes it, you're not just going to say you agree or disagree without seeing it for yourself.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - Yeah. How would I. Winky. (Seven years married, marital therapy twice. Two kids. Still married. And you?) And I never said only married people know bout loyalty. You do a lot of assuming. Ya ass.
@PrincessPowers@xanga - I never assume. I prod, perhaps annoyingly, but to better understand.
My advice to the OP is to realize that when you ask your boyfriend if he cares whether a guy buys you a drink and it upsets you that much when he says he doesn't care, I can guarantee that he's not imagining the same thing you are. Sure, you are totally justified in feeling upset... but that's all.
When you don't need a reason to leave a relationship, all the ones you come up with - those are excuses, and it shows you don't want it to work out even if it can.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - Lesbian comment? I'm not sure what you're talking about, lol, what'd I say?
@T3hZ10n@xanga - The answer would be "no" to the green living room.
My boyfriend is actually happy and okay if other guys at the club buy me drinks. What's wrong with that?
There's no point forcing your boyfriend out to a place where he'd feel inadequate when it's supposed to be enjoyable for the both of you.If he's working a lot and comes home tired the last thing he'd want to see is his girlfriend winge about not getting affection. Try to be understanding, sit down and designate certain dates to do things together. Maybe take turns on choosing the activities.
I used to play games constantly alone and with my boyfriend but have given it up for the last couple months. My bf still plays a few games in my presence, but remembers that i'm still here and stops playing to spend time with me.
And if you haven't taken the initiative to give your boyfriend a surprise gobbie while he's playing games, you're obviously doing it wrong
Sometimes women like to turn their relationships like a soap opera when in fact, the problem could easily be resolved with a little understanding and communication.
@HollowTendencies@xanga - Then your boyfriend gets upset, is deeply unhappy, and feels like something is missing in the relationship because you said "no" when he would have painted the living room any color you wanted if you had said "yes" to green just because he wanted to know you'd be okay with it.
Back to her situation...
Optimally, his answer should be "Would you want me to care about a girlfriend who is always letting other guys buy her drinks?".
Thus is the intrinsic flaw of this particular use of a hypothetical situation. She's judging his answer from an irrelevant point-of view; that of an innocent third-party. Either she is hurt by his answer because he doesn't care about her or she loses respect for him because he would care about a flirtatious skank.
Q.E.D. - Bitches be trippin'.
If you've been dating for 14 months, and he's still not putting any effort into it, move on. Find someone who is willing to put just as much effort into it as you are. You sound like such a thoughtful, sweet, hard-working, and dedicated lady with class and style. Don't let some insensitive, apathetic lazy bum drag you down. Date someone who's willing to FIGHT for his girl, and wouldn't put up with another man buying his gal a drink!
@HollowTendencies@xanga - hmm i think you said something like you're sick of dealing with guys and wish you were lesbian? or was that someone else?
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - That's weird because I feel like I remember saying something like that, but I don't remember deleting it.
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