May 28, 2017
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Dating Someone Who Doesn't Want Children?
I often wonder, "Would I be a good dad if I had a girlfriend and she gave birth?" I would date someone who does not want children, since neurofibromatosis, part of my condition, could possibly be inherited genetically by my future offspring. Even though I have NF, I don't know how it could affect me in the future. Even the doctors don't know... just have to remove the lumps if needed.As for my other condition, it is a hidden disability (dyspraxia) even though mine is mild. It's still worrying that the child could inherit it and get bullied at school or struggled with some tasks like me. I know this sounds selfish, but my mum did not know she had NF herself until later on, but still needs to keep an eye on herself. However, I am more open to finding someone (female) who cannot have kids or can have kids but will sooner adopt.
Would you date someone who did not want children (even though you do) or vice versa? Have you thought about adopting children?
Would a medical condition that could potentially affect your children deter you from having one?
Comments (56)
maybe just date. but not marry. can't change a person
If I am ever single again, I doubt I'd even date someone who wanted more children. It didn't matter when I was younger, especially when it came to just dating.
Well I think I will want kids in the distant future, so I probably won't date someone that doesn't want kids. It's pointless. I probably could date someone, if it wasn't serious, just for fun but if it started getting serious I'd have to end it.
I'd prefer someone who didn't want children. I wouldn't date someone that wanted children, I'm not going to waste my time dating people I know I'm not compatible with. It's just a waste of time and feelings.
no kids. bad for the environment, plus this world is fucked in the long run because of all you irresponsible assholes, and i couldn't possibly bring someone into a world that i think has such a bleak outlook.i would consider adopting though.
I don't want kids and I'd prefer to date someone who also shared my views. Of course, I make it a point not to talk about that until a little bit into a relationship (I never bring it up, though) because it could be scary discussing "the future" so early on.
I would definitely consider adopting a child. There are so many children in this world in need of a home and loving family. I also think there is nothing wrong with not wanting to have children because you think you might pass on a certain medical condition. It's a mature and responsible decision to make. In the end, it is your future and the future of your child. You have the right to make that decision.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - That's cool that you would adopt! Been thinking more about it lately.
Good for them for not wanting to commit the single most selfish and immoral act that humankind can commit, namely procreation (for, as I've mentioned countless times, it's better never to have been). I wouldn't waste my time on a wannabreeder or putting up with the crotch droppings of an already breeder, quite frankly. Not only do crotch dropping suck, breeding is morally reprehensible and I don't associate myself with people who are, in my mind, morally reprehensible.
I absolutely refuse to ever have children in any capacity. My boyfriend kind of wants kids, but would prefer to stay with me in lieu of them (:
Some people may not want kids because they realize they could potentially damage these tiny people who will someday become the damaged adults that we are now. Personally, I admire people who realize that they shouldn't have children.
I do not want kids. Mainly because of time, love, and money...First of all: money. I don't think people should have kids unless they can afford to have them. I don't think that just feeding them and putting clothes on them is enough. If your child wants to play the piano, he/she should be able to. If your kid wants to play soccer he/she should be able to. THAT IS YOUR KID! Children are these wonderful beings that are taking in everything around them and developing into adults that are capable of creating/doing more than ever in today's ever evolving world. It is vital that one as a parent do all he/she can to norish a childs sense of wonder, curiosity, and learning. That sports activity, that summer camp, that gifted program all help mold and strengthen your childs character, and I would feel awful if I couldnt let my child explore his/her interests because I didnt have the money for him/her to join the band or do gymnastics. Also, I am selfish. The amount of money it takes to raise a kid from baby to adult today is crazy. I could be traveling the world, or investing in a ballin' retirement fund with that kind of money.Then there is time .(Again, I am a selfish person.) Kids take up so much of your time (although they do deserve as much time as you can guve them), and if you enjoy spending time raising children by all means, that is great, but I have way too many things (that require a lot of time) that i would like to accomplish before devoting most of my time to kids. Finally: love. Obviosly, love is of extreme importance when raising kids. I don't really know how to word this final point...a lot of the time I feel depressed. Still today, I makes choices that cause me to question my definition of myself. I feel like im not stable in my own mind-like i'm still trying to figure out who I am and what I want. Even though i'm 23, I still feel like a child sometimes: scared, confused, alone, etc. I just picture good parents being confident in their parenting. Kids deserve to grow up with responsible, self-assure, giving, and happy parents. Of course I would try, but I don't know if I could give a child that kind of love.BUT if I wanted a child and could provide the money, time, and love, I would have no problem with adoption. In fact, I would pefer adoption if their were any conditions me and my significant other were concerned about.
When I saw this post's title, I immediately thought "I bet I'll see the phrase 'crotch droppings' in a comment". I'm so happy that Xanga never disappoints.
I just realized that I failed to answer the first question, if I wanted a child (and was ready to handle all that entailed), and my boyfriend/spouse did not, I would still have a child (be it through my significant other or adoption) and whether my signifiant other decided to stay with me or leave is up to them. (I realize that previous sentence is probably a crazy run-on sentence. I don't care to take the time to assemble it properly haha-grammar rebel.)If I didn't want kids, that would not prevent me from dating someone who did want kids. If that person gave me an ultimatum: have my child or we're through, I would likely leave him....unless I was madly and stupidly in love/lust/whatever with him-in that case, I might be dumb enough to have a child with him. (I say dumb enough in part because if someone is willing to end a relationship with you over having/not having a child, I would consider them not having real, unconditional love for you in the first place)
I would love to date a guy that doesn't want kids. But they don't seem to exist in the real world.
I love how the natural instinct to be a parent is considered a freakish one in this lovely "modern" society. You people are hilarious!
@TheGuyYouD0ntKnow@xanga - Just because it's natural instinct doesn't make it morally right. The natural instinct of humankind is to fuck as many people as possible, but somehow that's regarded as morally reprehensible. In reality, because life is full of suffering, the best possible thing to do is to have no children and allow the human race to go extinct."Each one of us was harmed by being brought into existence. That harm is not negligible, because the quality of even the best lives is very bad - and considerably worse than most people recognize it to be. Although it is obviously too late to prevent our own existence, it is not too late to prevent the existence of future possible people." - David Benatar; Better Never to Have Been: The Harm of Coming into Existence.
@Kittyluve@xanga - Oh we do exist, and in great numbers. Statistically I think men are more likely to identify as childfree than women, but the childfree women are much more outspoken than the childfree men.
Kids are great, but I would never want to have any. Pets are better.
@Jenny_Wren@xanga - well...would adopt, conditional on wanting a kid in the first place. raising a kid is a lot of work, time, and money, and you don't get an instruction manual ahead of time. i can barely commit to a girl for more than a month, so i find it difficult to believe i could spend the rest of my life committing to a kid. but if i do decide to do so (which i may end up doing, as i *do* have a social responsibility as such), i think there are too many children who need good parents to have my own kids. it would, in some sense, be too selfish.@Marica0701@xanga - lol, i had the exact same thought.
I'm with someone who wants kids pretty badly, and enforced the idea at one time, completely disregarding my own even though I have the parts to make it happen. lolI don't want kids and at the moment I think my boyfriend still does but he refuses to talk about the situation. At the rate we're going, we won't be done college for years yet so I'll probably be infertile by the time we're married anyway =p I'd love to travel and be adventurous. I'm not a motherly type. I prefer animals..and freedom. And silence. Did I mention freedom?
@danceswithvegetables@xanga - You're right, kids cost a lot of money and require a lot of time. The love thing though is totally natural. I suffer from severe depression and feel lost and alone. Childlike, as you said. My son keeps me from making bad decisions. If I start going to "that place" I just look at him and it all goes away. He's my anchor and I def owe him my life for that (I'd give it up for him either way though, lol." And in my opinion, every great parent has doubted themselves at some point in time. I believe I am a imperfectly great mom. I make mistakes but my boy will never doubt my love for him and will never go a day without things he needs. I have doubted myself quite a few times. But I am rambling on here. Bottom line, I think you would be more than capable of providing a child with the love he or she needs. Money and time are a big factor and everyone should def try to wait til they're ready in all three areas.
@secretbeerreporter@xanga - Yea that's according to people on the internet lol. Every guy I meet wants to have kids. It's very frustrating.
@secretbeerreporter@xanga - Funny how I said nothing about that. As per the actual words in my my comment, I was referring to people who want children being regarded as strange, in this generation, when we should clearly be into skydiving instead.
@secretbeerreporter@xanga - What it basically comes down to is that in the time you wasted futilely trying to prevent the existence of future possible people you could have been improving the human condition and making the future better for them. You will have actually contributed to the source of the suffering you sought to prevent.
@Lost_Innocence09@xanga - thank you, much appreciated. You have a very lucky son
I think more people should NOT have kids.... or if you're going to, then kill 3 people and be part of the solution....
having kids isn't my priority, but I find it endearing when I see a family man type of guy. I saw a guy take his little son to the movies and it was really adorable seeing the father and son movie day. I don't really want to date a guy with kid(s) although I find it a good quality to have being a good father. if he's a hot dilf and his kids are already grown up and doesn't rely on him, then I'd consider it. I'd rather spend my money exploring the world I don't really want to repeat what my previous generations did, which was basically have a bunch of kids, work their entire lives, trapped in their own bubble, then a bunch of revolving drama, which trickled down to me, too. I'm going to be a bunny pirate!
@deadasitgets@xanga - Yeah, because what we need is a world full of fucktards whose parents are murderers and keep those genes propagating. That makes total sense.
I would not date someone who didn't want children, because I want them. I have thought about adoption, in case we can't have our own children. I would bear my own child before I adopted, but I would adopt before fertility treatments. If I had serious medical conditions, that would deter me from having children. As a matter of fact, I am waiting to have children until I've healed a few health problems.
I would never date someone who does not like pets or children. But if he does not want children due to medical reasons, of course I would date him because I am all for adoption.
@Kittyluve@xanga - Depends on where you are. If you're in the conservative south or a heavily Catholic country then yes, they are very breederific. Go to one of the more liberal states/countries and you'll find plenty of childfree people.
@danceswithvegetables@xanga - None of those reasons are selfish and don't ever let anyone tell you they are.
@TheGuyYouD0ntKnow@xanga - Actually, it's not. If you mention casually to a group of people that you want children eventually no one bats an eye. Mention that you never want children or that if you did it all over again, you would avoid children, and people react as though you are either kidding or there is something seriously wrong with you. Granted, this is a much larger problem for females saying it than men saying it.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - Your life must be a riot with no sense of humor or cynicism.... enjoy taking everything literally....
Ive always wanted children.. so being with someone who didn't want them wouldn't work out for me. But I wouldn't force my SO to have children either.. that will just cause resentment and other issues.I think for me I wouldn't be with someone who didn't want children. Luckily I married a man who wants kids, and is an amazing daddy. My hubby and i have been married 8.5yrs and have not been able to have our own. So we became foster parents and adopted our son a year ago. We are in the process of adopting our second and getting ready to take on a 3rd infant placement. We haven't gone to the Dr about being unable to conceive because I still hope that one day it will happen, though I know in my heart it wont. I just dont think I could handle a dr tell me its never gonna happen. And I couldn't fathom spending tens of thousands of dollars on ivf. Families are built in different ways, adoption/fostering is how we chose to make our's.
@deadasitgets@xanga - It's a quiet riot.
If I somehow end up back on the market, I doubt I could get serious with anyone who wants more kids. I WILL NOT endure another pregnancy and CANNOT handle raising another child. Before my third child was born, I could have gone either way. I wanted another child but didn't feel as though it was imperative. Same with my second child. I could have been happy with one child. Before my first child on the other hand, It was not negotiable for me. I couldn't have settled with someone who didn't want any children.
I definitely want kids, so I would casually date someone who doesn't want or is unable to have kids. Long term though, I would rather be with someone who wants a family with me. I would consider adopting however I really want the option of biological kids...at least once to experience pregnancy.
Kids are overrated anyway ;/
@T3hZ10n@xanga - Alright, thats a good one...
My husband and I are talking about either foster or adoption. We have a little 2 year old and I'm 22 weeks with her sister but the oldest was a preemie, under 2 pounds and had holes in her heart that needed to be closed. She's one of the healthiest babies I ever met now but we don't know if the genetic issue that caused the problem in her heart is done or if it'll cause other issues. Our second daughter has anencephaly, they told us she doesn't have genetic problem its just the defect, her body is perfect but her skull never formed. We are going to try one more time, I'm going to change a few things and if it results in worse problems than our older has, we are done with having kids. I wouldn't date a man who didn't want kids, I have one so it wouldn't work unless he just didn't want one of his own but had no issues with being with a woman with kids.
I've never wanted to have children and luckily neither does my SO. I'd never date a guy who wants kids.
To the people talking about adoption, why don't you try fostering? Those are the kids who really need stability and care. They got taken out of bad situations and a lot of times are put in worse. They need loving, caring parents either while they are waiting for parents to clean up or go through rehab or permanent placement when their parents just shouldn't have them in their "care."
@snarkius@xanga - I disagree. I've gone through crazy shit for the fact that I want kids. I'm not saying EVERYONE is like that but overall I've met more people who respond to it negatively these days.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - 1) I never seen "dilf" used until you typed it.
2) "I don't really want to repeat what my previous generations did" -Today's mega recession and general miserable economic prospects GUARANTEE we don't get to repeat what past generations did, unless we go back far enough to see what they did during the Depression, haha. It's a brave new world for everyone now.
To men, suddenly a Children broke into his life is a inconvenient. My husband also has this problem, but just do it after some times he will be fitted.
@secretbeerreporter@xanga - i live in southern california -_-
I couldn't date a guy who doesn't want children, but there's a difference between not wanting kids and not wanting to father the kids. I mean, there are always sperm donors. There is also adoption. It's good to be selective about breeding, though, especially if you're nervous about passing something on. It's good to think about the struggles your future children could face before making a big decision.
I think that I would prefer to be with someone who does want children and a family of their own some day. I have always loved children and been a motherly figure to the kids in my family, it's just apart of who I am. I am willing to make sacrifices for the people I love, but if my SO absolutely didn't want children it would be difficult for me to want to stay in a relationship. I know that I will adopt, possibly experience pregnancy as well.
I've never wanted children. I have dated people before who did, but when it started to get serious, I made sure they knew, in case that was a deal breaker to them. I've had those that have tried to change my mind (even though we weren't in a position where it would matter yet) and I tried to make them understand how much they were simply wasting their time. So I guess, I just stand my ground on it, but I let them make the decision on whether it's that important to them or not. Fortunately, my husband never wanted kids either, so that worked out.I think if there's a medical condition that is that likely to be passed on, and affects one's life that much, that should absolutely be taken into consideration. If that were the case for me, but I wanted children, I would adopt, or consider other options. It's irresponsible, in my opinion.
Make your concerns known once the other person brings up kids in any way. Know also that you have options in the future. A geneticist (or a genetic counselor) can help you determine likelihood of passing on various conditions.
If you feel this way, you could always adopt children and raise them or your wife could be inseminated with an anonymous donor,I pray that these conditions don't cause you a lot of worry and anxiety.I know you will find someone who loves you for you. Period. Time will be your friend.
I wonder about that sometimes. I'm pretty ambivalent about having kids. I don't think I'd be real comfortable being in a serious relationship with someone of either extreme. So that would mean I'd be best with someone as ambivalent as I am about the subject. But then, what happens if we both make up our minds, but not the same way after we're already married?
@TheGuyYouD0ntKnow@xanga - What gives you the idea that it's natural...that's just cultural brainwashing. Maybe it's something you always wanted, but that doesn't make it natural. For me, the idea of NEVER having children seems natural. I never saw myself as the maternal type at all and quite frankly, after seeing the absolute misery of my friends who do have kids, I wonder how ANYONE could see having kids as natural in the first place.
@vanilla - Cultural brainwashing... yeeeah. This comment is so moronic that I'm not even going to justify it with a response.