July 29, 2013
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What If They Hate Your SO?
One of the most fundamental things in a relationship is love (or at least like). You really need to love/like your SO, or else things are doomed to eventually fail. Outside of the relationship itself, it’s also important that your family and friends like your SO. Of course, this is far from a requirement, but it will make things go much more smoothly. So, what happens if they hate your SO?When I dated Justin (which you can read all about here), my friends were less than thrilled with him – and for good reason. He was an awful boyfriend, but for most of the relationship, I was too blinded by infatuation to see it. I broke up with him on three separate occasions, and each time, I gave him another chance. Before the last chance, though, I looked to my friends. In my infinite, high-school wisdom, I decided that, before I would date Justin again, he would need to get approval from a handful of my best friends. I can’t type this next part without laughing. I sent him around the school with a piece of notebook paper, and made him get their signatures. Somehow, he managed to do it. We broke up (again) shortly after.
Most of my friends were pretty cool with my other partners. I never really introduced my boyfriends to my parents, because the relationships never felt… real enough to take that step (I’m sure this had something to do with my at-the-time undiscovered sexuality). I did introduce my parents to Mercedes, though, and at first, they were far from being her biggest fan.
I didn’t come out to my parents until Mercedes and I had been together for four months, but I think they always knew. Thus, as they were getting to know her, they were also coming to terms with my sexuality. (Maybe that made it harder to like her?) I also spent all of my free time with Mercedes, which could’ve made my parents feel a little slighted. I stayed out past curfew with her, went on roadtrips with her, and spent more time at her house than I did my own. I’m pretty sure my parents thought she was a bad influence.
Though I respect my parents and their opinions, I didn’t let anything or anyone sway how I felt about Mercedes. I was in love with her, and I knew that in time, they would grow to love her, too. Now, my parents treat her like a second daughter, and they gave her their enthusiastic blessing when she asked if she could propose to me.
So, to return to the titular question, what if your family and friends hate your SO? Well, when it comes to dating, I strongly believe that you should go with your instincts and your heart. That being said, don’t ignore what your family and friends think. Be mindful of their comments and opinions, because they might be noticing something about your SO that you’re missing. At the end of the day, they (probably) just want what’s best for you.
Have you ever had an SO that your family and/or friends hated? What did you do? Were they right about him/her, or did they just need time to come around? How much do the opinions of your family and/or friends matter when it comes to your relationships?
Comments (13)
right now, i'm the SO that the parents don't like. the frustrating part is not having a clear idea why. my SO tells me that it isn't necessarily me, that it would probably be anyone, but it doesn't make it easier to be in that situation when you're in a long term commitment. when we announced our marriage, they weren't actively against it but weren't very thrilled to be involved in more than one way. on the other hand, my family loves my SO just as much as they do me. he gets along with everyone and they think highly of him and our relationship. in the past, i would've said that getting along with my family would've been a dealbreaker but after being in the situation that i'm in...i would have to reevaluate that thinking.
I started dating my boyfriend when I was 17 and he was 24. We're 20 and 28 now. My mother disliked him before she even met him. I think it was the fact that he's almost 8 years older than me, and he's Hispanic that made her dislike him so much. She basically "forbid" me from seeing him, and me being a rebellious teenager snuck around with him and didn't tell my mom anything more about him until I was 18 and could do whatever I wanted anyways. When she found out I'd been lying to her for so long, she disliked him even more. I think she openly used the word "hate" to describe her feelings towards him at that point.At the time I felt like there was something between my boyfriend & I that made all the sneaking around and lying to my mom worth it. Was lying the right thing to do? No. Would I want MY daughter to lie to me like that? No way. But would I have reacted the same way as my mom did when she initially met my boyfriend? No.So, fast forward 3 1/2 years and my mom has taken the time to get to know my boyfriend, and she actually really likes him now. Crazy.
My mother had a problem with my GF because she wasn't Viet and not catholic. She didn't go so far as to disapprove of the relationship but she did warn me that it would get complicated if we ever had kids. Her observations are valid and I respect what she has to say and while those things are important to her, they are not important to me. Now if my mom told me she disapproved of my GF because she was a jerk to everyone, that would be important to me and it would affect my decision on whether I wanted to pursue the relationship any further.
My ex's mother didn't like me because I'm not Jewish. He would tell me what she would say about me and stuff like "why don't you date so and so?" "You should be with this girl instead of Linda." It really hurt my feelings. My ex was an asshole. My parents weren't fond of him either but I didn't find out until after we had broken up. My dad just dislikes everyone but my mom is usually a pretty good judge of character. There was just something about him she didn't like. I asked her why she didn't tell me while I was with him and she thought that I would have kept dating him out of spite. I honestly don't know what I would have done but I can't see myself being with someone my mom doesn't like.
Like if my mom(don't care about my dad's opinion on anything) had a legitimate reason for disliking my SO then it would definitely make me question going further. I want to be with someone even my mom would think is too good for me.
@DarcKleer@xanga - Your mom is smart. I've known a few people that had parents who disapproved of their relationship and that just made them more determined to stay together, even though they were miserable together.
They haven't always liked my crushes, and they didn't meet either of the boyfriends I had. But I think that if my parents disliked my SO to the point where it was visible, I'd want to know why. I think if they just thought he was a bit quirky, they'd keep it to themselves. But if they thought there was something seriously wrong, they wouldn't. They need time to warm up to people, but if they outright didn't like someone I was dating, I think I'd take that as a huge red flag. I just might not acknowledge that right away, since love makes fools of us all.
at first my mom didn't get along with my current boyfriend, and to her credit, he didn't try very hard to win his affection at first. but now it's 5 years later and we've grown quite a bit as a couple and my mom loves him, she would be devastated if we broke up. I think his parents like me, they're a bit.. estranged as people.
My parents have never had an issue w/ my significant others. My husband's mom hates/hated me. He doesn't speak to her now (not just because of that) and she's not allowed in our life and will never meet our daughter.
My family is weird. Like, anyone who enters our family is an outsider and we hate them, weird. No one had ever really brought around a bf/gf so of course when one of us did for the first time my family gave looks and did nothing but make jokes. I've never had a problem with anyone that my family brought around in the past few years when a lot of started going out with people but I have proof that a particular someone in my family has given the impression to others that my bf is "no good" or weird which has caused them to not like him either. Which really angers me especially since none of them even know him that well or have had more than a five minute conversation with him.Which is all fine and dandy with me because I don't hang out with said person anymore anyway and don't plan to that much. All I know is if they actually hung out with my bf and his family and actually mingled and talked to them they'd have a good time.I think it's important if your family likes your SO but now that I've been in a relationship for a little while now I can see that it's not a number one priority. If *you* love them, then your family should love and respect you enough to get to know them and give them a chance. You shouldn't have to pick and choose unless there is some reason to (like your SO never wanting to hang out with your family or them not treating you right, etc).It's weird because I used to always be the family type of girl who would never ditch my family to go do something else, and now? It's all changed... mostly because my family has changed. But hey, that's life I guess...
Who cares if your parents don't approve, they'll die way before you will anyway.
@Syaoransbear@xanga - its not always just the simple issue of whether your parents like them or not - it's about a having a support system/ there may be financial, family business like things involved/ if you're dating someone your parents dont like when you're 20, they might still have a good 40-50 years to make your life a living hell before they die, and waiting for your parents to die, not exactly the warmest thought to hold for the coming years
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