July 30, 2013
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Failed Relationships: Wastes or Worthwhile?
I’ve had my fair share of failed relationships. For one reason or another, “happily ever after” turned sour, and partners turned into exes. Sometimes someone cheated, sometimes someone mistreated, and sometimes feelings just faded. When I look back at these relationships, I try to see them as positive things, as things that helped me to grow as a person. But in the end, were they just wastes of my time?Now that I think about it, I spent a lot of my life in relationships that eventually failed. (I’m not going to figure out just how much time exactly, but it’s at least a couple years.) That is time that I will never back – but was it a waste? For the majority of those relationships, I was happy. I had a lot of good times with my exes, and I still have a few fond memories. It’s hard to call anything that I once enjoyed, however transiently, a waste.
Furthermore, when I was in these relationships, I learned a lot about myself. I learned what I like about people and what I don’t, what I need from a partner and what I can do without. I ultimately learned what makes me happy, and I think this helped me to eventually find my current partner.
When it comes to this stuff, I like to think of people as puzzle pieces. Somewhere out there, you have a match (or two or three, if you’re poly). For every puzzle piece that doesn’t fit, you’re one piece closer to the one (or more) that will. This way, exes aren't wastes at all. They are sort of like stepping stones.
I’m not sure if everything happens for a reason, but I do think there is something to be learned or gained from (almost) every experience. Being with my exes might have technically been a waste of my time, but I wouldn’t go back and change anything. My experiences have made me who I am today – and I’m pretty happy with who that person is.
Do you see failed relationships as wastes of time, or as worthwhile experiences? If you could, would you go back and not date one or more of your exes? What are some things that you’ve learned from your failed relationships?
Comments (24)
All relationships are wastes of time, failed or not. People suck and the less you have to deal with them, the better.
^ Lol...But seriously, failed relationships are useless. As much as it can be argued that a bad experience taught you what you don't want, it can also be argued that a child with an abusive parent will know what not to do when they grow up. Statistics will show that, in general, the truth is quite the opposite. Anything a bad experience teaches you could've just as easily been learned from a good example.If you don't regret your failed relationships you don't value your time.
holy jesus what negative nancies. i don't think mine were a waste of time at all. Of course, before my current were all very short, my longest was 3 months (current 5 years). I was glad to have had the experience, but i didn't feel I learned my lessons until it was over. I'm glad both things happened, though. I don't know how i would feel if it had been something that dragged on over years or something, but i think "you should definitely regret your decisions, and henceforth doubt yourself forever" is a terrible way to look at it.
@Insomnia_Pickles_XtraTomato@xanga - It's not being negative, it's being real. The ideal life would be if you had absolutely no contact with anyone but yourself. That is, one where you could carve out your dwelling place, never leave it, and never see another life form of any kind ever. Alas, that's not possible but it still remains that all relationships are wastes of time because it involves contact with other people which should be avoided at all costs.
@secretbeerreporter@xanga - "The ideal life would be if you had absolutely no contact with anyone but yourself."Purely in theory, where impossibly ideal conditions are allowed, I would agree that the above is ONE example of an ideal life, not the ONLY example.However, (unbelievably immoral) experiments have shown that isolation of primates from birth to maturity consistently results not only in a quasi-psychopathic and violent disregard for other lifeforms like you've probably already factored in, but also (contradicting your theory) an absence of learned self-recognition where a deleterious lack of self-preservatory (i.e. including but not limited to hygienic) behaviors results in an abundance of (clearly painful) self-destructive behaviors.As a cynic, you have unrealistic beliefs just as the people you often criticize. As an optimalist (not an optimist), I reserve the word "ideal" for things that are possible.I mean, so long as you're allowing impossible conditions for a thought experiment... you might as well say the ideal life would be if you had ideal interactions with people who only benefit you. See what I'm saying? Instead of adding conditions to create a hypothetically ideal (albeit, impossible) life like I did in the above example, you REMOVE conditions that make it hypothetically ideal (albeit, just as impossible).Your vision of what is "ideal" is in-fact unnecessarily negative.
There was one "relationship" I could have done without and it isn't even a relationship. It was me hanging for a week with this one guy who had that psycho ex bitch stalk me for five years even after I stopped talking to her dumb ex. Could have done without that unnecessary drama taking up half of my life. I don't get most chicks. I never talk to my exes again after we break up, much less harass the new fucking girl. Talk to any of my exes and they'll tell you they're the ones who message me to check up on me from time to time to see if I'm okay. If I'm still interested in him and someone else hasn't come into the picture yet, I may try to win him back, but once someone new is in the picture I move on completely, not become the other woman to my own previous relationship, Christ almighty.I don't know what I learned from that, I guess to not give unconventional looking people chances if I'm not attracted to them because they bring the most drama into my life, that's been my experiences when I lowered my standards. So no, I will no longer lower my standards. I'll wait if I have to, because these low standard douche bags think they can create unnecessary shit in my life when I give them chances to see if they can prove themselves worthy.I also question sometimes whether or not I could have done without my 4+ year semi-"relationship" but it made me realize what I don't want.I'm still trying to figure out what was the purpose of that gay guy getting to know me and lead me on like that when he knew how much I had fallen for him...I know he's everything I ever want in a man except for one damn thing that I nor supposedly he can't change. There's no straight man like him that I know. Every man I've met after him is just not up to par since him, even if I can be with the guy.Sometimes I even question whether or not when the married guy lied to me about being married, would I change doing anything to him. Once you do something you have to live with it, you can't take it back.
My time with my x was a complete waste, but what wasn't a waste was what I took from it. Practice makes perfect, and each failed relationship is practice. Helps you skip over obvious and avoidable relationship pitfalls.
failed relationships...everyone on this site and xanga
can someone *please* tell me what's happening to d-ish after tonight??? why is it so difficult to get an answer...jesus.
I dont regret past relationships and I wouldnt call them 'failed'. I've kept in contact with most of them and have become friends. We were well suited at the time and at the time they made me happy but things change. You met people through relationships and learn from one another. I think it is cruel to say that your relationship with someone was a waste of time, would you like it if someone said that about you?
I think the only part that's a waste of time is when you stay in a relationship past it's due date. When it's gotten toxic etc. Most things in life don't last forever but it doesn't mean they weren't worth doing or having. Beating a dead horse is a waste of time.
I think it would bother me more to have reached the age I am and never have had a relationship than to have had a few that didn't work out. I don't think it's a waste of time at all. Even if it doesn't work out, that doesn't necessarily mean it was a bad experience or one that will negatively impact you for the rest of my life. The one significant relationship I had was fun while it lasted and then we had a few fights and it ended. I'm none the worse for it. When you enter a relationship, you don't know if it will work out or not. When you get married, you're promising that you will both do everything possible to make it work out, but when you are just dating/in a relationship, you're getting to know the person and seeing if you both want to make that promise.@ccccourage@xanga - exactly!
if you don't live and learn, you're a waste of life. that being said, past relationships are not a waste of time.
At the end or in a moment of despair, one does consider a failed relationship to have been an utter waste of time. But in hindsight and after much reflection, it's a good learning experience (better if you learn to NOT repeat your past mistakes), about who you are, what you want, what you need, and what you need of the other person, and how much space/autonomy is required. Trust, compromise, affection and time are all necessary components for a healthy relationship for me, which was sadly lacking in my marriage. Live and learn. Life is too short to be miserable. But the bad things happen, so that you will truly appreciate the good things.
There is one I absolutely regret. It was horrible and abusive in every way. It still messes with me, and negatively effects me today. It ended over six years ago, feels more like a lifetime, yet I know I still carry some significant baggage from it.After that though, there's one I wish I would've ended sooner, but I don't regret the relationship as a whole. I learned a lot about life, myself, and who I wanted to be through that experience. It just probably should have been more of a 6-8 month relationship instead of the year and a half that it was. I shouldn't have ignored all the red flags that long. All that to say, I think it really depends on the situation. I don't think it's fair to say that all relationships you're no longer in should be considered a blessing, or a "stepping stone" as you say. In fact, the one I truly regret could be more accurately described as the hammer of a Whack-a-Mole game, except that I (the mole) kept getting pounded, farther and farther into the ground, instead of just popping back up after one hit. But I also don't think it's fair to say that every part of all those experiences (some, but not all) were a waste, simply because the relationship ended.
Worthwhile experiences...you learn a lot about yourself and the type of person you want. However, if you are always in relationships which are doomed, best to figure out what is going on.
You can definitely choose to believe that every milestone you've gone and every mistake you've made in life is a waste of your time (and I totally know people who do, and who refuse to take another step because they're afraid of wasting their time again), but without experiencing them, you can't grow & flourish properly, or efficiently.
In my opinion, if you've dated at least less than a couple of years, [[ two ]] it isn't exactly all a waste of time but at the same time, it is a worthwhile to try saving. You've come this far. Look at where you're going and why you have come this far without breaking up. What is the reason NOW that didn't occur during the first 24 months? But if you have dated longer than 4 years or so, then yea, it is waste of time. Because, why come this far and let it all go? You've lost those four years or more for nothing. You'll have to start all over again. You're not younger anymore. However, either one of those two, it is definitely experience worthwhile. You should learn all you can in those several years of relationship. I've wasted two years for a guy that's only interested in me sexually, I wanted more. But I never understood nor did I give up hope for him until one day he moved two hours away. It was the end of us. And I moved on. Though, I am not sure if anything would have happened in those two years I have wasted on him. I was young and very inexperienced. I've wasted another four years with my ex, whom I've dated 20 months, married for 2 years and a month but divorced in less than six months. [[ We had two children together. ]]Now I am in a relationship with my fiance for seven years. Honestly, it was a painful struggle. I met him before my ex upped and left. [[ My ex assumed I was having affair and I told him he was more than welcome to chose what he believed in and leave ]] so technically, my fiance was my rebound boyfriend. But within the next few years I have tried breaking up with him, he refused to leave. He had faith in our relationship. Eventually it got to the point I've come so far in with him that it is not worthwhile to leave it all behind. He helped me raise my two children, not a lot of men are willing to take in someone else children. He fathered my third child. All three children see him as their father. [[ Two don't remember the real dad ]]Finally this year, I decided to call the end of all the struggle and claim him mine. Seven long painful years I have decided I was in for good. I don't know if I would want to date anyone else if he has upped and leave. I doubt I would be able to survive another relationship if he has died. It is hard to imagine otherwise. Who would put up with me? Really?
Everything you do is worth the while IF you learn from it.
I feel that if can learn from experience it is worth while. And if nothing more you get to look back and reflect on a different part of you life and the person you became beause if even if it winds up being" it was just who I was at the time..."
I don't think it's necessary for you to have some profound learning experience for a relationship to be worthwhile, nor do I think a relationship should be given value because it helped you find a new one. Something doesn't have to be permanent, either literally or indirectly through learning, to have value. I think it's enough that you gained enjoyment out of it while it lasted and connected with another human being. I'm not saying there's no value to what we learn from relationships-- just, the most worthwhile part of my past relationships is that they were good at the time. Not because I selfishly gain from them -now-, but because for a while I was happy and I made someone else happy, and that's amazing. When people reflect on their past relationships, they forget what was truly good and they replace it with whatever coping mechanism got them through it all. It's just sad to see how pain makes us lose sight of our past.
From my failed relationships I've learned what I want and don't want in a person.
With truly bad experiences... the lessons learned are usually negative. People experience way more quantity of failed relationships these days than ever did before. It creates trust issues, walls, a feeling of being better off alone... afraid. These are not stepping stones, they're hurdles. Of course if you've had healthy, mutual break ups, that's different. I don't see much of that though.
@oneLBcloser@xanga - Truth."Boys who witness domestic violence are twice as likely to abuse their own partners and children when they become adults."You'd think they'd know how badly it hurt them so they wouldn't do it to others. Just like people saying "I learned what I didn't want in a relationship.". Yeah, adults who grew up with an abusive parent and are abusive themselves wouldn't call what they're doing abuse. They would probably say they learned to be assertive and good parenting techniques. The truth is a negative experience is just that... a negative experience."50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second, and 73% of third marriages end in divorce."Statistics will show that people become more and more disillusioned as bad things happen and their actions tend to reflect it.Of course in rare cases it's possible for a person to not be negatively affected by failure, but it's obvious that when the vast majority of people claim they learned something positive and are a better person for their bad experiences something doesn't quite add up.I'd also like to add that one of the rationalizations people use to explain the first, second, and third marriage divorce rates is: "They have handled it once, so they will handle it again. They may even recognize the warning signs earlier than they did first time round and are quicker to react, more determined to minimize the agony."..."It is foolish to believe you can avoid something by becoming more reactive to it." - Self
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