July 5, 2017
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I Can't Handle Relationships
I’m 22 and over the past five years I have dated five people, been on about 12 first dates, slept with four people and had my heart broken twice. I was dumped over a month ago (after being with him for a year) and I am not feeling any better. I’m not bothered that he dumped me; it’s just that I miss him.
He dumped me because I wasn’t affectionate enough and he thought I wasn’t ready to settle down. Those are fair enough reasons and I guess wasn’t affectionate enough and I think it could be because he wasn’t the one for me, or maybe I’m just a bit of an Ice Queen? I’m at a stage in my life where I’m starting to think about marriage and children and I wonder if I’ll ever be a wife or a mother. I’m starting to think that I’m destined to be a crazy cat lady and in all honesty that would be easier than having my heart broken again. Yeah I know time heals all wounds...I'll forget about him...he wasn't right for me....
I know it’s defeatist but I don’t think I’m strong enough to last in a relationship. They take a lot of work, trust and love and I’m not sure I can handle it. My ex has been texting me for weeks and on Sunday he invited me over for dinner and I stupidly went. I got drunk and I woke up with him on top of me. I feel so used, but seriously what did I expect to happen? Did I honestly think he was asking me over to get back together? Yeah…I guess I did. I’m so foolish, naïve and a doormat. This is why I shouldn’t be in a relationship.
I just let guys hurt me. I let them walk all over me and go back for more. I let them belittle me, humiliate me, use me and abuse me. I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I’m so strong in every other part of my life but when it comes to boyfriends I’m useless.
Does anyone else feel like this? That they are rubbish at relationships? Or that they are better off being single?
Comments (26)
You've been through a really tough time. Maybe what you need is just some time to heal properly before you let another guy in. Have you considered just hanging out with your girl friends for a while?
I'm pretty crummy at relationships too. I have the same problem as you in that I tend not to be as affectionate as some might like.
I know how you feel, and why you feel it, but hang in there.You're tougher than you feel. We all are.
"I’m starting to think that I’m destined to be a crazy catlady and in all honesty that would be easier than having my heartbroken again"Exactly my thought.
Yeah the weird thing is that the guys who are really into to me and affectionate, I tend to slowly pull away from.I do that either cause I feel like they're too clingy or I just don't like all the attention and want to be left alone. So then I assume that I must not really like them. That's when the breakup happens. Then there are the guys I end up really liking but then they tell me they don't want an actual relationship at the moment or they are too distant and not affectionate enough and I feel like they don't really want to be with me. And I too have the ex's that treated me badly...but then I give in and let them come back for more. I can never seem to find that perfect balance or medium...I completely get how you feel. But I have been told by many others who have experienced the same difficulties with relationships that I just haven't found the right person and I am now pretty sure that it will be okay. And it just takes you to find that right person and everything will change. You're still young, I'm sure you will find the right person soon enough.
"I’m starting to think that I’m destined to be a crazy cat lady and inall honesty that would be easier than having my heart broken again"I have said the exact words to myself as well... sometimes I guess it's whether luck is on your side when it comes to relationships. :/
There's nothing wrong with taking an extended break and just staying single for awhile. Maybe there are some personal issues you need to confront and deal with before you can enter into a healthy relationship. Take the time to care for yourself. Good luck!!!
Yep, you're not alone. My first two cats (when I move) will be named Lola and Luna. Game on!
I definitetly hear that. Let's make it a New Year's thing to work on this...whatever this is...gahhh!
i think you just haven't met the right one yet is all. sometimes it takes a lot of bad ones to realize what a good one is. everything takes times [so cliche i know]
I have difficulty maintaining relationships as well. Most people want to use me for various reasons, and I am a crazy cat lady. They always have something over me, so I don't like going near people or to get too close because I'll end up serving a bad agenda only to have the people who I've helped come back to shatter me then tell me how incompetent I am or I become blurred and disoriented. I was asked out by a few people today, asked if I'd get into 4 different cars (nothing new) and stalked by a homeless man. I'm nothing special; that's part of the problem. Rejection reactions have been a little over the top this lifetime. I can't do anything about anything but drive on and pray old age hurries on and up.
As women we should look back and learn from those who have encountered the same predicament. With the passage of time relationships end every minute or second. What we do now a days is to live for a moment. We should live past every moment and read the signs; their reaction, in the relationship. What on earth is this contributor trying to suggest? Is he someone you trust;does he only think of himself;does he include you in organizing;is he using you as a back up plan;how much do you trust this guy;how committed is he in the relationship;did he ask you to be his girlfriend;does he switch off his phone often?I think we do not invest time in getting to knowing a person our so called "boyfriend(s)" enough. When you allow your emotions to overtake your rational thinking then you allow room for manipulation. We already know these answers but we keep on thinking O if I allow him to do this/ to get his way he might change. HELLO!!! Such a one has only one motive, hit and run. As he has his way he is gone and whose fault is that but yours and all other women in this predicament.As one of the former repliers stated take a break to think. Love yourself first, value yourself, think before you enter another relationship. If you have not done much educationally probably you can enroll in a course. Enjoying life does not mean you have to have a boyfriend. It means exploring the world, your environ and much more. The only way you can know your boyfriends is through talking to them, spending time with them not in the sack but exploring the world together. Anyone who wants to find your sack is someone who has a hidden agenda. My final advice is he does not deserve your tears, rather improve your life, find and know the real you. As you start this New Year 2010 write some goals you would like to achieve, you still have the time its never too late. Take care and I wish you all the best for all your future undertakings.
OK, I'm going to be a little.... no, ok I'm just going to be a real honest asshole about this so if you may get offended, stop reading.You were in a break-up, it sucks, boo hoo, move on. By your numbers you had your heart broken 2/21 as far as any type of relationship goes. Guess what? That ain't a bad ratio. I'm 2/3 on the heartbreak chart. Next, you're letting one guy get to your head wayyyyyyyy too much. Not to mention that like so many people, you seem to be putting a timer on when you should get married and have kids. This is utter bullshit. My brother just got married over the summer, HE'S 28! Yeah, that's right. You act like just because you don't have a boyfriend at 22 that you're some horrible socially inadequate failure. Who says? He just got married, but I'm guessing won't be having a kid till he's 30 (I think the wife is only a year below him).Frankly, you need to suck it up, stop letting dudes walk all over you and realize that 22 isn't the end of your romantic life. 30 bucks says that in another month, you'll probably look back at this post and wonder why you were so whiney over some douchebag (and from the sounds of it, yes he is a douche). And douchebags aren't worth crying over are they? No, they're not.
Stop beating yourself up. I did that for a long time but after being single for a year, I just think I haven't found the right person yet. You say that your boyfriend broke up with you because you weren't affectionate enough.. if you're not an affectionate person, then it's not something that's going to change overnight. I think you'll find someone that works with your personality & your attributes.
Sigh..... You read my mind!!! I only wished i could find someone else whith the same mind set and i would be happy. ~ Michael
There's absolutely nothing wrong with being single at 22. I was too, then. Being single and focusing on yourself is a good thing. Try improving yourself whilst in a relationship. Now *that* is tough work. You'll find your guy. For now, concentrate on yourself. I know people almost to their thirties and they're still single. =)
I also often wonder if I am destined to be a crazy cat lady. I don't seem capable of staying happy and committed to someone which makes me wonder - is it me?Just be happy being you. That's the best you can do and hope that someday you'll meet someone who is also happy with you just the way you are.
The other commenters are right. You need to learn to value yourself more before you get into another relationship. You also need to accept the fact that we're all different and that there are only a handful of people who we can really have a prosporous relationship with so don't beat yourself up over these guys who were weren't right for you. This last guy "used" you because he likes you but not enough to work on a relationship with you. Forget about him.
Do you love yourself? Before anyone is ready to be in a relationship with someone, he or she has to love themselves. You can't put your whole being into a relationship without feeling like you're worth being a relationship and that you deserve to be loved. I only ask because of this: "I just let guys hurt me. I let them walk all over me and go back for more. I let them belittle me, humiliate me, use me and abuse me. I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I’m so strong in every other part of my life but when it comes to boyfriends I’m useless. "That "You complete me" crap the movies feed us is garbage. You have to be a whole and complete person before entering a relationship or it will fail, and you'll let guys walk all over you, as you said.
I feel like I could've written this. I keep hoping I'm wrong, and that eventually somebody will be okay with my very subtle levels of affection....but it's hard to believe, isn't it?I'll keep my fingers crossed for girls like us. :)
Well, if things aren't going well romantically, don't give up, but do stop actively looking for a while. Focus on yourself--being yourself, finding yourself, enjoying yourself, and cementing who you are. That way, when you get into a relationship next, you'll be less likely to lose yourself in relationships.Don't despair yet, though. From age 20 to about 23 or 24, you're still figuring out who you'll be for the rest of your life. So don't despair too much. Try to use this time as a period of self-growth. Figure out why you're bad at relationships, and how you might fix it. And go from there. You can do it, I promise:)-Katie
You are totally picking the wrong guys. I used to do the same thing until I started to ask anyone I was interested in this question: "What do you admire about yourself?" If you can admire them for what they admire about themselves, and vice versa, then you have a great chance of being compatible long-term. I learned all about this by reading Hayden Dane's brief book called "I Have One Question." (www.haydendane.com) It really opened my eyes and has made things a lot more comfortable for me. Hope it works for you, too. Wendy
Clarity is the most important thing here - Be CLEAR about what you want! And focus on THAT - and dont give your attention to what you DONT want. What you want NOW, may not be what you want later. So don't worry about being single, it is only a window in time - and not a permanent state. You are actually working on having a better relationship with yourself, and these guys are just the agents you have employed to help you find your own inner areas of discomfort and distress.Think about it...It's really important to not look OUTSIDE of yourself for what "makes you" happy or unhappy or for the reasons that YOU FEEL happy or unhappy. If you continue to look there you will never find peace, at best you will find distraction, which is temporary, what you really want is inside you. I would like to submit here that it is not them walking all over you and treating you badly that is the problem, it is that YOU allow it - exactly as you said. The reason you may attract the same kind of guys, such as guys that would treat you that way, is that you are attracting them by something IN you, which is why you must see your answers are about you and not them. Does that make sense? I hope you dont tell yourself some story about being "no good" at relationships, if you do that, it will be so! Where relationships are concerned, we are ALL ALWAYS learning and honestly, its great that you have had such experiences so young and are recognizing these things NOW and not as an older woman! So congratulations! As I always say, as you think, so shall you be... If you want more information you can visit my webste at http://www.emotionalpathways.com - Happy New Year! - Greg
I'm better off single. I don't like being in relationships. It's not for everyone. I think you feel so down because society, for some reason, thinks that being single is a terrible disease, and it's not. There is nothing wrong with being single. If you are happier not dealing with all the bullshit that goes with relationships, more power to you!
Hey,I think you need time to yourself, to learn to enjoy life without going to guys for it. Don't worry about the sex right now. Be yourself and have a good time. You don't NEED to be in a relationship with anyone to be happy. The right guy will eventually come around so don't worry about that. Let it happen when it happens. I would take a break from guys for the time being until you feel ready again to be in a relationship. You need to grow as a person, whether it's with how you see yourself or carry yourself, or confidence, etc. None of us are perfect so I don't want to come across as if I think I've got it all down. Do your best not to put yourself in situations that would lead to a guy using you for your body. Granted, things may not start off with those intentions, it just begins to happen. You're allowed to leave the room. You know getting drunk with the guy will most likely lead to the sex. You don't even have to be in a room by yourself with a guy. I know that sounds very parent-like, but, you can still have fun with guys in social public situations. Less pressure to do something you don't actually want to do. I wouldn't run from love because of the hurt it can bring. That would lead to missing out on the right person, and would mean missing out on your own kids. Basically, I'd say take time to yourself and your friends, enjoy life being single, don't depend on a guy to be happy, take things one step at a time (you don't have to be ready for a long-term type of relationship right off the bat). Much love, and I hope things go uphill for ya.Everything's a learning experience!You CAN handle it. You already have. You can keep going.Don't cut yourself short. -Gina-
I kind of feel this way. I know that deep down, i am meant to be alone. I am in a relationship right now, but think that i would probably be better off without one, not because i can't love (it is awkward, but i am loving, and i give a lot), but because i am afraid of being myself, even with my SO. of course, i am just like any other human and can fall in love, and have crushes, which is mainly why i'm currently in a relationship. I really don't want it to end, but i do wonder how much longer this will last...Even though i am pretty much a loner, i know that i need people to live and the world is a scary place. Dunno...... My feelings about this change a lot, too...